Dealing with Suspected Child Abuse

Some may know and others may not, I am an adult who survived 18 years+ of physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse. I no longer have any contact with my biological family and was gratefully adopted and taken into the heart of Cora Nettles before she died. Which gives me a mother figure to point to that I am terminally proud of.

That said, I am continually amazed by the misconceptions the general population seems to have about people who abuse.

Today I was eating breakfast at a local place when I was sat behind a group of soccer moms. One of the women was being extremely loud as she dramatically told her friends about a mutual friend who had "spanked" her twelve year old daughter with a belt. When she admitted to her friends that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with her own daughter going to this woman's house, I could no longer be silent.

Unfortunately, what I really should have said never made it out of my mouth. I really am more articulate on paper!

The woman immediately began to defend this other mother. "She is a long time friend," she said. "The girl is dramatic, ya know, because she is twelve." "I know she [the mother] is verbally abusive, but ya know, I don't think she is really hurting her." "Children who are really abused don't tell adults and this girl told me so she isn't really being abused."

On and on the excuses came as this woman defended the actions of her other friend, even retracting the statement about not letting her own daughter go to this woman's house. Her final defense was, "I don't really know what constitutes abuse, ya know, legally."

I told her the legal definition of abuse was if any spanking left marks or any other actions caused significant mental and/or emotional harm that would prove to be long lasting. Eventually the trio moved because of the chilly air in their booth.

I was frustrated with myself that I couldn't articulate accurately what needed to be said. So here is what I should have said.

"She [the abuser] is a long time friend."

People who abuse their children blend in. Keeping in mind that nearly three children of five (boys) and four children of five (girls) are being abused in some capacity, the likelihood that real abuse is occurring when there is suspected abuse is pretty high. Additionally, no friendship should ever over shadow a person's desire to protect the helpless, the children. Saving your social status among your peers is not excuse enough to allow child abuse to continue.

"The girls is dramatic, ya know, because she is twelve." Alright, so pre-teen girls are dramatic. Did you physically examine her for marks? Do you really think this is an isolated incident? Did you ask the girl if this was the first time? Did you ask her if the father utilized physical spanking to punish her? are there other children in the home? Did you question them about the incident and about whether or not they were being physically hit as punishment?

"I know she [the mother] is verbally abusive, but ya know, I don't think she is really hurting her [the daughter]." Really? So if a mother accuses her daughter of being a slut, whore, lazy, dumb and/or any other combination of verbal insults, those terms and words are not going to have any adverse affect on the pre-teen? Especially during one of the most important developmental stages in a girls development? Don't you think in some ways verbal abuse is more insidious than physical abuse? It leaves no scars and no proof but the damage done by mere words alone can often drive teenagers to suicide, drinking, reckless sexual encounters and teenage pregnancy. And even after all that, the abuse gets away clean, never being viewed as the cause of the problem to begin with.

"Children who are really abused don't tell adults and this girl told me so she isn't really being abused." That is normally true. Children who are abuse do not reveal the depth and true horror of their abuse. However, sometimes they may be exposed to people who they trust and after feeling comfortable may finally open up to one person in attempt to find an adult who will make the abuse stop. The actions of that one adult will set the tone for the abused child's life. They will either decided that reaching out for help is worth the risk of retribution or they will learn that no one will believe them and dismiss them and never speak again. Growing up to continue the cycle of abuse and violence on their own children. Do you think it is worth that risk to no believe this child?

"I don't know really know what constitutes abuse, ya know, legally." Then are you really equipped to deal with the fall out of this situation? Isn't it better to turn the situation over to someone who is trained to make those decisions? Don't you think that you are taking a chance on the health and long term well being of a child (or children if there is more than one in the home) by deciding what is best in this situation when you admit you have no training and no knowledge of what is best? Would you perform counseling services on an abuse victim or on an abuser? If not, what qualifies you to dismiss a twelve-year-old's plea for help? Would you rather stay silent and safe and secure? Or would you rather decide to let persons who are trained to help families like your friends, do what is best for everyone?



You shouldn't let up. You should keep up the pressure where you protect the children. If the friend distances herself from you, you should take that as a sure sign that abuse is occurring and report them.

Remember this, teachers are required by law to report suspected abuse. Just because you can't be held legally responsible does not assuage your moral obligation.

Roses

    I hate roses…. That was how the most awesome piece I had written in a long time started. I wrote it in a journal that is attached to this nifty application and is free on the web for Windows Users called Craft Calendar that automatically calculates the Sabbat, Esabts and New Moons for you. It has a great journal attached and I liked the idea of journaling while looking at the month that was passing. I have just taken up journaling again after not having done so in a looooooooooong time. After attempting to rewrite it while being angry with myself that I couldn't remember to push that little button on the bottom called SAVE. I gave it up, ate lunch and took a nap. When in doubt, feed and sleep. This is one of the many things I have learned since falling off the Earth in the Late Fall of 2009.

    I hate roses. I have hated roses since the horrific day I returned from my best friend's funeral to find that he had sent me a dozen red roses before he died. It confirmed so many things for me, things that only now I am beginning to understand. I took them back to his grave site and left them there for the elements to destroy one petal at a time. Ever since that time, I have warned boyfriends, friends, lovers and my Husband Priest to NEVER under ANY circumstances send me red roses. They spoke to me of death and loss love and pain.

    My rosy boy was one of my best friends. We were Kindred Spirits whose connection was the secret flames that burned in our hearts, the whitest hot a flame can be. He started sending me flowers when he overheard a girl in school teasing me because I didn't get one. I didn't date much in high school and was, how to put this politely, social inept during those horrible years. After that any time the school fundraiser was a flower to give to someone, I got them, red roses, white and gold carnations and even pink roses at Valentines. They were all addressed to me and sent from With Love, Your Secret Admirer. He was stealthy about the whole thing. Not even those who gave them out knew it was him. I knew and never told because he always had some other girlfriend or another. We had never been bound that way. Even still red roses came on my birthday to school, with the same signature. He wanted the preppy, popular crowd to wonder who cared about the awkward, heavy reader with weird friends. And just maybe he also wanted me to have some happy in my life.

    That vicious popular crowd never knew that we would sneak off together to a place he knew where the stream ran crystal clear swiftly around your ankles. We would walk through our own ripples and talk about everything and nothing. We would pick up rocks and show them to each other. After his death I mourned not knowing which dirt road it was that would have taken me back to that spot.

    That crowd also didn't know that we shared a secret. Oh, his secret wasn't so much a secret as a communal crime. He would come to school with bruises on his face, around his neck and talk tough about how he went to our rival's town and beat up people there. In his stories he always gave as good as he got. The town knew it wasn't true. They knew that his father would get drunk and beat him and had been beating him all his life. They suspected that his mother might be doing far worse but, he was a boy and boys can take it. I can promise you from hours standing with the swirling water at my feet and rocks in my hand, he couldn't take it. Neither could I, but my tormenters we better at hiding the evidence. So we stood in the water and gave each other rocks.

He became rumored to be heavily mixed up with drugs and alcohol and reckless driving. OK, his driving scared the hell out of me, but I never saw him drunk or high. I think he liked getting tickets from the local cops. It was his way of being defiant in a world that he was helpless to shape. All of this justified the whippings he got. He was a bad boy and his father should punish him.

    When he finally drove off the road, cops hot on his heels, and took out four trees to come to rest in the ditch at Dead Man's Curve, no, really, that was what it was called. He escaped his secret and had sent me a final gift that only in the past few months have I been able to come to grips with. His family made a huge stink about the road and it was literally torn up and re-routed so that no one else would die like their son had. There was a parking area of red clay next to the new road and I saw his father there sometimes setting new crosses or flower arrangements, guilt is a bitch.

    I went to the funeral and his father over come with grief literally began to shovel the red Georgia clay over his son's coffin. I threw up and my family took me a some of his friends home. I was alone. The next day the roses came and that loneliness set in beyond my bone into the marrow. I went into survival mode and at eighteen found myself in a Battered Women's Shelter with bruises all over my body, no recollection of how I had come to be there and missing three days of my life. The shelter swept me out of the county where my father was Deputy and into an apartment in another town. I got some therapy and a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Major Depression.

    I would enter college and date warning people to never give me red roses. It just reminded me of pain and loss love and a friendship ripped from me. I went through my life got married and divorced, giving birth to my son along the way. I remarried and agreed to the red roses the florist insisted on putting in the bouquet. I started advocating for Family Coven and started Family Wiccan Traditions International, while writing about Family Coven for ezines and print publications. I started writing full time and landed the deal of a lifetime with Llewellyn. Then in the late fall of 2009, my own car went careening off Dead Man's Curve. I was lucky enough to come out of it with my life. I landed myself in intensive therapy treatment for six weeks and a diagnosis of PTSD with Major Depression. I was under the care of a psychiatrist monthly and a therapist weekly. I returned home full time feeling like I had destroyed everything.

    Llewellyn dropped my book. My family was ripe with panic and worry for me and in the days leading up to my own metaphorical car crash, I was nothing more than a breathing corpse held prisoner by nightmares, flash backs and a feeling so hopeless that only going down the deep, dark, welcoming ravine seem reasonable. It called me like a siren and I was helpless against it.

    Upon my return, I learned that you have to take things slow. Like you had just had major surgery and its going to take some time to come back on line. Over time, I have started doing things around the house and am once again active in my son's school life. I was puzzled over why when everything was coming together, FWTI was getting off the ground and my career was mine for the creating and my home life was blissfully safe did I take a drive to that place.

    Unlike my rosy boy's crash, my crash was a fiery one that burned through my soul and decimated it. Back home I would sit in the soot and charred remains of what had been me, who I was and tried to figure out what to do and where to go from here. Smothered with the rising heat and ash even the Goddess and God were impossible to find. I thought about changing religions and going back to the Catholic Church. Not that I ever really could, I fundamentally disagree with just about everything they teach, but that was just how complete my demolition was.

    Over time, I began to feel better. I dreamt about a blue rose and a great story that I woke and wrote the four page synopsis for at four in the morning. I decided that I could feel a faint shimmer of the Devine with me – whether it was the Lord and Lady, I am not sure yet – however, I went back to what I knew spiritually and began to seek for a new totem animal in the blackened desert of my soul. I also decided that I should look up other symbols I could use to nurse my spirit back to health.

    So I began to research the words that I felt the most: determination, tenacious, courage, fortitude, purpose and the rose answer each call. I was truthfully annoyed. Roses meant a very few things to me, and none of them would be helpful. Deep into this second writing, I have realized something. My rosy boy planned his meeting with Dead Man's Curve and my roses had been his farewell. I didn't try that type of escape until 2010 when I realized my world was sitting upon a foundation of pain, violation, loss, helplessness and torment. My soul needed a fiery crash because it had to go, it had to burn like a funeral pyre and leave my soul sooty with rejuvenated soil so I could start over. I could plant other things. Like a red rose for courage and fortitude against the onslaught of thorns in my life. A yellow rose for the friendships I have even now after my decimation and for the friendships I want to have. White roses for my loyalty to Divinity in whatever shape it is finally revealed tome. Purple rose for the transcendental quality of my life, then and now. An orange rose for my adopted mother who during this past year, died. She would always say she was proud of me every time I spoke with her, without fail. She loved me and helped heal me in ways that nothing else has or will. Black rose for the death of my rosy friend because in death he found reincarnation and in that there is hope that he is pain no more.

    And the blue rose of my dream that promises the impossible actualized in my life, a mystical quest to rebuild the land of my soul.

    There will be future posts about what I plan to do about the book, Family Coven, my career and my spirituality. There will be other posts about changes in Family Wiccan Traditions International. However, this post is the most important one to start with because there are others out there who live under the veil of shame around their childhood. They plow through their lives which are grounded in the same kind of sexual, emotional, mental and physical abuse my rosy boy and I bonded over. They are afraid to let that pain out, let it loose, give it free reign because it most assuredly will be destructive. And they are afraid of the biological family that they may still live with, interact with or who deny with every breath that the past is simply misunderstood by me, you and every other victim of child abuse. My biological family may read this and they most certainly will deny every accusation I have laid out. They will see my fall into mental illness as inevitable because I was always on the verge of madness. Some of my friends and those who used to know me will agree with them.

    But I am the one with the rose garden. What is in the flower bed of their soul?

Earth In North?

I have just come back from a gathering here in Georgia where I attended a workshop by Lady Eurhythmy. The workshop was called "Magic and Science." For those who don't know I am a big science, quantum physics, M-Theory kind of girl…not to mention my obsession with all things Sacred Geometry and Pythagoras. So, of course, I attended.

What I came away with, however, was most surprising to me and it has to do with the controversy over Earth in the East or North and Air in the North or East. I have attempted to practice both ways and eventually settled on a preference for Earth in the North and Air in the East. I knew the theological reasons why practitioners changed Earth to East and even the magical stirrings of why Earth was moved to the East by some; however, the energies never meshed for me and I also felt there was some fundamental reason for that.

In this seminar, I found it. It turns out in Quantum Mechanics – according to the good Lady – that there are Four Fundamental Forces. These forces are the Weak, Electromagnetic, Strong Force and Gravity. Each force has a particle or association with it. Weak Force particles are called Bozons. Electromagnetic Force particles are called Photons. Strong Force particles are called Gluons and Gravity particles are called Gravitons.

Now what was interesting is the definitions for these particles and through these definitions the elemental associations that can be made for them.

Weak Force Bozons are defined as the force that transforms the up quark to the down quark and mediates forces. Odd forces are repulsed (widdershins) and even forces are attracted (deosil). This is the force that decides and starts and if Air is in the East, then the Bozon is associated with the Eastern direction.

Electromagnetic Force is the thing which acts between charged particles. Photons, also associated with light, are an application of electromagnetic force. (South)

Strong Force Gluons (West) are the force which binds nucleons in the nucleus and also quarks to one another.

The Gravitons activate the particles and carries those particles into the universe.

Starting in East – we apply the Bozon and decide how we want our magic to go (up or down, odd or even in force) and run that decision through the South and the Electromagnetic Force which charges the particles necessary for the working. In West the Gluons bind those particles together, sealing the magic that is being attempted. Now that these forces are bound, the gravitons activate them and carry them for release into the universe.

In practice, we could say that our Bozon is a decision to let go of hurtful relationship which determines the energy is going to go down and odd (widdershins). Moving to the South, we examine the need to replace that negative relationship with an opening in our hearts for healthier relationships and charge both those particles for that purpose. In the West, our two purposes are bound together in harmony and balance, a guiding principle of magic, creating a magical working that isn't lopsided. Our magic moves to the gravitons that activates both sides of the magical working and releases them into the universe. This working will end the harmful relationship and leave a healed space for healthy relationships to take root – note that no separate working is done to draw in healthy relationships because the work was balanced by the use of the four fundamental forces.

Lady Eurhythmy made a point to focus on the Bozons and the importance of the decision there, however, I think the Laws of Magic tell us that the combination of East and South is critical. By making your main decision in East and then balancing that decision by charging the particles with the completion of that thought, you are creating a magical working that is balanced and complete.

That controversy aside, the other fascinating thing was the four principles of Quantum Mechanics the presenters gave.

1. Fundamentally, the act of attention makes something real.
   

This is interesting because there was a whole school of Greek philosophy that said the very same thing. In magic we might say that what you focuses on increases and what you ignore decreases.

1. A queer force acting at a distance which means that two things who are together then separated have an effect on each other ever after that. This is also known as Quantum Entanglement.
   

Interestingly in magic, the Law of Contagion states that same thing. If A and B deal with each other the affect of their dealing (contagion) continues after separation.

1. Biocentric Universe states that we are creating the effects as we experience them.
   

This is to say, you get what you expect. This effect of the mind on the smallest of particles should be very encouraging to magical practitioners. Knowing that the expectation of a scientist in an experiment can actually affect the experiment is the same as understanding that the expectation of a practitioner during a magical working affects the magical working is certainly validating.

1. There is ability for scientists to gain use of external forces that cannot be seen by the mind.
   

Well, isn't that what magic has been saying for years? Magic is the ability of a practitioner to assert ones will over forces both seen and unseen to create change in the immediate life of the practitioner and the world. This thought should be very comforting.

Lady Eurhythmy reminded the class that Focus was the most important tool for witches and suggested that owning the Bozon in your life – the Statement of Intent – was the first place to start when it comes to magical creation. She compared it to the Philosopher's Stone which is the tool that reminds us that by our thoughts we create our reality. The second part was to find the tool set you would use to navigate these energies and use them to your benefit.

Overall, I was excited about the class and the presentation and really appreciated Lady Eurhythmy's efforts for it. It was one of the highlights of my weekend.

The weekend was also notable because I crowned a maiden to help me navigate the growing work load coming my way. Tina has become a model student, good friend, confident and right hand. I am honored she is willing to sacrifice to assist me. Then, of course, my good friend and another confident Cheiron became a 2^nd Degree in FWTI. It was LONG overdue and FWTI is so honored to have the likes of this wonderful man as one of us. What an inspiration and great mentor he is!

He taught a psychometric class and it was wonderful. Even Stone was successful which was really cool. I believe the class changed a lot of negative attitudes about personal ability. It was wonderful to see.

Well, I am working to finish my book before deadline. Ya'll be good now!

 

Beltane’s Nesting Birds

This morning I woke to an ill adjusted mood in both my husband and son getting ready for school and work. Fighting over shoes (my son's new obsession) while trying to accommodate a Coven Sister staying with us whose mother is dying in close proximity to our Covenstead. I'd made special effort to get up early to work and woke to familiar pain of post gathering hang over. In the chaos, the anger grew and the boys left without their tea.

They called and asked me to get the tea and bring it out to them. Bitching about shoes, being up early and pre-teen boys who haven't had a coming of age yet, I stomped out the front door only to be accosted by a bird.

Suddenly, the pettiness of everything fell away and there I stood realizing, in the wreath I had hung only the day before I left for Florida Pagan Gathering, a bird had nested there and laid eggs. In my own symbol of fertility and growth on my own door, the God and Goddess had performed the Great Rite and left me a reminder: Shoes, early rising, forgotten tea, irritable pre-teen boys – nothing is as important as family and you sometimes make do with the very best you can, even if it is the Beltane wreath on the witch's door.

Color me blessed in red, white and light blue green eggs.

Florida Pagan Gathering 2009

Life changing events don't happen very often; however, the events that make positive impact, inspire, motivate and forge friendship and camaraderie happen with more regularity; therefore, they are largely over looked as mundanely unimportant and. After all, it is likely to happen again real soon. Why the fuss?

Florida Pagan Gathering was such an event for me; however, mundanely unimportant is an insult to the experience, the event, the coordinators and the people I met. I want to make a bit of a fuss because, not only did I have F – U – N, I found like minds, common ground and acceptance. As a new author, these things are not a matter of regular timing. In a world of neo-paganism where new authors struggle to get their voices heard, FPG took a chance, let me speak and in turn I received far more than I could have hoped for and I believe those I met got a new perspective and new ideas. That was my plan anyway. ;)

Margot Alder, Chas S. Clifton, T. Thorn Coyle and Gavin and Yvonne Frost were presenters, along with me – sans book. However, it wasn't these esteemed contemporaries that were the only ones to honor me with their presence, insight and excitement. It was all the others I met along the way. I hope my photo album will soon reflect pictures of the events and people that made FPG such a wonderful experience.

In the meantime, here is my extremely condensed version of events that were important to me.

Balaenor – Chauffeur, confident, fellow karaoke fanatic and master of music was my first exposure to FPG. He took a panicked first time presenter, feed her hot chocolate and calmed her down. I was grateful and relieved. He also exposed me to Black Moors Night (help me out I couldn't find a website for them!), a band my husband I know is going to love.

I arrived to goody bags, spaghetti and meatballs, Anne Marie and the rest of the staff all excited, eager, welcoming and loving. Well feed, I went to bed peacefully. The next morning I took pictures of the beautiful site and met some of the 100s of participants. Then eventually, took my most dangerous and expensive journey into Vendor Row. My chauffeurs are certainly lighter.

I gave my first class and had a warm and welcome reception, as I did for all my classes. I met lots of families interested in Family Coven, the idea and forth coming book (Llewellyn Worldwide Press, Ltd.). I found that the topic was extremely hot during the highlight of my visit, the Author's Panel.

The authors' panel hosted by T. Thorn Coyle was themed Paganism: Past, Present and Future. Considering the guests of Margot Alder, The Frosts and Chas S. Clifton (Author of her hidden children, a book about how witchcraft came from Britain to become Wicca in America), the topic could not have had a better panel. My perspective of what I believe the future of Wicca to look like – filled with Family Coven's celebrating a varied spirituality in their own homes before they even step foot into the larger community, allowed for a well rounded and timely discussion. One that you can catch on Thorn's podcast Elemental Castings sometime in the next month.

I got equal pleasure from singing with Thorn on one of her songs during her set when she opened for Spiral Rhythms. Thorn's new album with Sharon Knight, Songs for the Strengthening Sun , is out now and complements their other CD, Songs for the Waning Year. Spiral Rhythms is also offering a new release, We are Light.

I meet some special people while during my stay that I wanted to mention here. Of course, Baleanor was already mentioned and worth mentioning again! Between Baleanor and Thorn I have a list of new music to look up including: Bauhaus, Rasputina, Zoe Keating and Spiral Dance. Sherry was the reliable rock upon which I could quietly whisper a need and see it quickly tended to. The Candy Ritual wouldn't have succeeded without her. Ann Marie, Gold Leader One whose supportive and encouraging words are addicting so I miss then already. She certainly seemed the glue that kept it altogether.

I had my first experience with Guardians, lead at this event by Trauma, what can I say? A group of people who give freely of their time to protect, mend and heal those who come to events. Trauma - Beautiful. Efficient. Precise. Courageous. Understanding. Loving. Wonderful AND going to be at Pagan Spirit Gathering with my own personal rescuer - Raja! I am so relieved!!!!!

Outside all those faces without names who make FPG such a great success and all of whom I wish I could recall now, I met lots of people who were attending the event that struck a chord with me.

Starting with Forest and Joe Butera who finally contradicted a famous saying made to me once, "There are no greater mysteries. Stop looking for them!"

Their workshop on The Keys to the Mysteries was not only pleasurable and informative – it fed my soul and my soul was thirsty. These two wonderful men are certainly ones I hope to continue to discuss the esoteric mysteries and schools in the future with. Especially as I explore The Order of International Co-Freemasonry, Le Droit Humain. Their Blue Moon Wiccan Tradition seemed like something that had I found, FWTI might never had come about. Good thing I only meet them last week! *grin*

I met Kharyssa, TeriCaye, Terry, Noel, Emily, Gina, Andrew, Gaylan, Jo, Amanda, Dustie, Michelle, Adam and Tabitha Little who gave me her Family Coven's motto, "Live in faith not fear." I am thinking of adopting it. Not to mention those who pre-ordered the book including Carrie, Oyliah, Angela and Amanada.

From there the names and faces blended and appeared before me time again. Each one displaying a unique love of Divinity and a willingness to provide for me…me!?! There was a Bale Fire to jump and intentional magic made. There was new friends and colleagues found.

There is also a burning desire to find my way back and bring with me my own Family Coven, do battle with Floridian sand and dance again around the sacred flames, seriously. If you have never been to FPG, it is worth the trip, time and effort and I can't thank the FPG staff and numerous individuals too many to name for the opportunity and blessings.

I have been quiet for some time. I have found that a significant stay in a hospital will silence you quickly.
Don’t freak out. I am o.k. They seem to have figured out what made me ill and I am at home and on the road to recovery.
My book will be delayed due to this most unfortunate turn of events. However, it will still be published.
I am learning lessons about taking it easy, listening to my body, meditation and the joys and annoyances of strong family coven and church support.
Crystal has been my shield and behind her capable hands I have felt at ease enough to rest. Of course, Michael has been right there flanking her right hand and further hiding me.
Then there is Stone and Tree Bear my core Family Coven who stood by me and questioned doctors and held my fingers (my hands were full of tubes). Without Tina, Tree Bear wouldn’t have made it to school nor benefited from the solid knowledge that he would be taken care of with or without his mother right at hand. Carly gave me a means to escape my misery and then loaned me her life when I got home from the hospital so I could watch it over and over while the medications found their way out of my system.
Now I am back slowly returning to a normal life and worrying about the tax deadline this week, excited to go to Florida Pagan Gathering and getting reacquainted with my Family Coven and my tradition.
Sometimes you need to rest and let your body recover. So I have an eye to continue that trend while returning to the work the God and Goddess has given.
Thank all of those who have kept me in their prayers and magic. Especially: Jenna, Cam, Michael, Crystal, Suz, Tina, Becky, Patrick, Mom, Carly, Sarah, Stone, TreeBear, Elysia Gallo at Llewellyn Worldwide and all the extended members of FWTI. Your energy and time I cherish and am humbled by. Thank you.

Welcome 2009!!!! Welcome Change! Welcome a harvest long sought and fought for। Welcome an attitude of hope. Welcome partners in my publisher, lawyer, new Family Coven members! Welcome all those who I hope to meet, share sacred space with and learn from during my travels and personal appearances! Welcome to you who are just coming to my site and getting know me....

I have been struck by the immense feeling of change and hope that seems to cling to the air clashing with the clamor of busyness, pressure and stress. So many of my Family Coven Brothers and Sisters are not sad in the least to see 2008 go and embrace a new year with the hope and possibility that seems to have been kept from us since Samhain.

Maybe it is the teenager – my ghost of maidenhood – that has possessed me forcing me to recall a young southern girl checking out the speeches and sermons of the Rev. Martin Luther King, then reading them in secret, hiding the book in a binder and finding within his words a world of possibility, justice and equality.
Maybe watching a civil rights advocate live long enough to see King’s dream fulfilled and participate on the historic day when the view of our Chief is suddenly no longer a white man like it has been forty-four times before, returned to me that innocent hope that seems to have gotten lost covered by the noise and static of a life lived। Maybe Joseph Lowery stirred in me a belief that it is possible for different faiths to find common ground.
And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance।
And as we leave this mountaintop, help us to hold onto the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family। Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques or wherever we seek your will.

Love, not hate.
On the side of inclusion, not exclusion.
Tolerance, not intolerance.
Let us take that power back to our homes.

For five long years I have researched, studied and written to try to bring about the idea that HOME is where the power, tolerance, love, inclusion and spirituality come from। Strong spiritual families make strong spiritual communities and birth a peaceful nation। In a religion that has been built and maintained, in all gratefulness and respect, by solitaires and adult oriented covens; it is the family that is our future. Gardner claimed we were born at the kitchen table and now we have spiraled back to that table to find the spiritual plug block that seemingly unsatiated place in our hearts.

President Obama had already noted the need and power within our homes when he said:
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours। It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Perhaps it is as President Obama suggested our country and, especially neopagans and Wiccans, are still young and we teeter like a child learning to walk, finding out the lessons only exploration, trial and error can bring us.

I am awed by the moment in history and time we stand upon. The brink of change for the country I love and the faith I am devoted to. As I work late into the night, I feel blessedly stressed. At five-years-old, I wanted to write. At ten, I wanted to write. At fifteen, I wanted to write. Here I am at 4:30 AM, a mild 37 years, writing while my son lays safely in his bed and my Husband Priest rests from providing me the opportunity no one else ever gave me: a chance to prove I could apply my will with hard work, perseverance and the gift of free speech, I could write. Suddenly, the ills, hardships and short-comings of this nation seems to pale in comparison to my blessed stress.

Let Freedom Ring

Freedom.

Sometimes freedom is one of inward overcoming where you break the bondage of the past so that you may move forward in spiritual peace.

Sometimes freedom is a piece of paper – the get out of jail free card where past wrongs are pardon and mistakes long paid for are finally assuaged and you have a chance to sleep peacefully, soundly knowing that balance and justice have prevailed.

Then there is the freedom of choice, one that I had come to believe we – as Americans – may have lost. However, as I wake early my world is changed and President Elect Obama is moving toward inauguration. My faith that choice does make or a break an American's life is restored.

I have spent the past several years making serious and deliberate choices moving my family to a place where peace and prosperity (emotional, mental, physical) were part of daily living not simply places visited occasionally. On Election Day I spent it in a court house and watched the joy of white southern parents adopt an African American boy named Porter. They were filled with joy and happiness while finalizing the bond that had grown between them. In this Southern courthouse in the heart of the Red state, one couple defying the odds and taking as one of their own a child who didn't look like them and whose genetic history was miles from theirs. On that same day, an African American would accept his bid and become President Elect of the United States. Surely, the coincidence of these events is not lost on me.

While spending my day in the court house, I also found freedom from a long term affliction that plagued me…a belief that I did not have friends that I could count on who loved me. While I was there with my husband and my matron of honor, two other women nearly two hours away were taking care of five children under the age of five so that we could concentrate on the important business at hand. At four o'clock, the women divided up and one went and fetched my 10 year old son bringing him to join the party, eat pizza and get ready for an important Boy Scout meeting. By the time the three of us had returned, children had been fed and Stone and Tree Bear were off to meet Boy Scouts and learn what a life in Boy Scouting might mean for our Cub Scout about to graduate beyond childhood and into tween years.

Saying thank you to Carly and Tina could not possibly convey to them what their act of selfless love means to me. Watching my goddess daughters so that I could have support and love on a tough and serious day in my life was so important to me. I truly felt I have found community that is stable and loving and willing to give as they receive. Love with an open eye and heart. Willing to take care of each other and to take care of other's others.

In the past few weeks, the Goddess and God has rained down upon me the blessings and opportunities I at one time did not believe I deserved. This morning, I am overcome with joy and peace and so much of my life has come to order, I am not sure where to begin to give thanks. My sister, Crystal's recent column in Celtic Whispers is about being grateful for what you have been blessed and given by the Gods and Goddesses. I read it last night humbled because there is NOTHING that I have that has not been ordained, given or bestowed upon me that was not overseen by the Deities I worship or my family worships.

My Family Coven needed a cheaper home with plenty of space and a garage – we have received one. (Thank you Mr. T)

Tree Bear needed the definite judgment of stability and constancy – he has received it. (Thank the Gods and Godddess and counsel)

My Familiars needed to be taken into the Familiar Protection Program by competent witches – they have been received. (Thank you FPP)

I needed totes to help me organize and move – I have received them. (Thanks Sarah)

I needed a refrigerator – I have received one with no cost to my Family Coven (thanks Tina).

I wanted a new glass top stove – I have received with no cost to my Family Coven (Thanks Tina - AGAIN).

I needed clear suggestion and direction where my writing is concerned and I have received it. (Thank you Llewellyn)

I wanted my best friend to find love like I had found so that we could be a four-some – four friends looking out for each other together and she has received it. (Thanks John, welcome home.)

I needed community, real community and to know what it is to live with it, in it. Yesterday two young women chased five young children, planned beautiful activities and then wrangled a ten year old and fed them pizza all in the name of community. In truth it was like they were some anti-spell that shook the world and reminded the Gods and Goddesses that love and community still existed and both were given freely without condition and with love.

I needed these feelings of insecurity that have seem to haunt my life like a spell unshakable to be destroyed and this morning I woke with hope, clarity and a sense that the future is indeed now and my Family Coven is finally in a position to live together in peace, prosperity, magic, love and unity.

Truly the harvest is in and, yes, there is still work to be done; however, it is work that will be done with a happy heart living in the moment of joy and optimism while we wake each morning living in confidence that tomorrow will be nothing more or less than the same.

Blessed be the Goddess of the Hearth – Bres – for finding a covenstead for my Core Family Coven.

Blessed be Cerridwen - Mother of All for giving stability and constancy to my Tree Bear. Blessed be Athena, Artemis, Hera and Justice for delivering the best interest of a child.

Blessed be Bast for organizing other witches to take and care for my precious familiars.

Blessed be Bres for striking the heart of a giving witch to provide the fire upon which I will feed my family and the balance – the cool within which the food will be preserved.

Blessed be the Muses within each of us and the editors at Llewellyn.

Blessed be Cupid and Aphrodite for arranging love…indefinable…undeletable…unexplainable…love.

Blessed be Gaia the basis upon which community sits and is created.

Blessed be Morrigan, my rock, my protectress, my salvation.

Blessed be Mabon, Lugh, Coronus, Thor, The Holly King, The Oak King, the Magician, Warrior, Lover and Sage who planted the harvest, quietly and efficiently bring in the harvest and give the drive for the work to continue.

Blessed be the God in Stone, in Tree Bear and the Goddess in me, for we are unworthy hosts to their sublime divinity.

 

What I want, all I want, what I need, all I need, I call to HER.

What I want, all I want, what I need, all I need, I call to HIM. (Spiral Rhythms Break in Come and Dance)

And through me, in me and around me They work as one to deliver

As we work to be worthy and begin to comprehend the universal dance we are just mere steps in. (Lydia M. Crabtree)

 

Blessed be.
Blessed be.

Blessed be!

 

 

Moving the Covenstead, Saying Goodbye, Voting and Samhein

So my lovely core Family Coven is in the process of moving the Covenstead. I have already done some serious packing and we sign papers today. Then we take the boy to trick or treat with his friends. He has a scary costume and seems genuinely into trick or treating this year. I hate and love moving. The packing, the washing, the organizing, ahh it is like sweet candy to me. The aching arms, aching legs and aching backs are like aching to me. LOL

This move is especially sad as we are giving up our familiars in lue of our son's health who has been diagnosed with allergy to cats. Evidently are beloveds are giving my son asthma. They are being put into the Familiar Protection Program where witch's cats are given new identities and sent to good homes to live out their magical days with a family who has promised to protect them from magical harm or use against the magical family they have come from. All I can say is that one of our cats will become a mouser for a family over run by unruly chipmunks and the other will find her days filled with quiet meditation.

It is truly sad. I slept with one of them last night and yesterday Tony was all man when he hugged and petted one of our girls and declared how badly he was going to miss her. It is a daily depressing reality that my Family Coven is currently living with.

On a completely different subject – go vote. Please vote for the man whose service has been to those in Detroit who needed help and for the man who has the opportunity to completely change the way that the United States is viewed by both our allies and enemies abroad. These days call for peace. Let us seek it.

http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=J7GhiCeZ.0znJPizn55jEDY5NjYzNDA-&id=

Samhein day is here and I have no jack-o-lanterns carved, I feel like such a busy witch. I am going to try to get them done before I go to sign the papers on the new place. Tonight it is a quiet celebration. We can't wait.

    I haven't posted in sometime largely because I was meeting the deadline with Llewellyn. We should hear soon about a publication date and I can't wait to share it with you.

    I have been crocheting up a storm as I watch football and with hockey starting soon, I will have even more excuses to crochet. I have made a beautiful Irish scarf (muffler), a baby's cardigan sweater and matching hat, a baby's hat and matching car seat blanket, booties and hats for the local NICU and scarves for the Special Olympics. Currently I am conquering the art of making socks. Which doesn't sound like it would be a big deal; however, I have found it extremely testing.

    I started attending a Crochet Club and have taken great comfort in the knowledge that socks are difficult for more than just me. It seems socks and gloves are both difficult propositions for most crocheters who are self taught. So I feel good about that. I am happy about them getting us involved in giving back to the community. The NICU was such a great idea and I am hoping to get a few of them to whip up some scarves for the Special Olympics.

    I have also had some quality time with Tree Bear and Stone and enjoyed that immensely. We are moving very soon and so things are about to get really hectic. Tree Bear is doing well in school and has made some good friends this year. I love his teachers and we have had a great working relationship!

    The Fall air is coming in and I love it. The stifling summer heat is abating and with that crisp air a good friend has returned into my life. My family couldn't be more pleased! She has had a child and we are so excited to have her return to her spiritual family.

    I got a phone call from London. A first for me, my good friend Suz is over there on vacation and was picking up gifts for everyone. She was very excited and wanted Stone's shirt size. She said she has had a blast and that people in Paris are mean to Americans.

    My familiars' are going to live with another Family Covener. Tree Bear's allergies are terrible and it has been a difficult decision to make. However, a trusted Family Covener has agreed to take them in so they stay "in the family" so to speak and she gets a great mouser. We have been showering extra love and attention on them and hope to ease our loss by finding a house to live in with a fenced in yard to keep a dog in – which Tree Bear is not allergic to. We are also looking for hard wood flooring and will be steam cleaning everything as it leaves the house.
Tree Bear can't live a life with a permanent sinus infection. It is still sad though.

I am also working on my Tour for 2009. If you are interested in having me attend your event, please email me at lydia@lydiacrabtree.com.

    That catches you up on this end. I have started on my next book already. I am hopeful to finish this one in a shorter turnaround time now that I have some perspective of what publishers want. My love and affection to ya'll!

 

    

Behind in Work; Illnesses; Denessa Smith Death

I have been quiet of late, largely because I have been on the mend and working hard. As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I was very, very ill and lost my appendix and my gallbladder in a very short period of time. Additionally, I spent an extra stay in the hospital for dehydration and abdominal infection after the removal of my gallbladder. I have started a new nutrition regimen and have been seeing a great Chiropractor and Nutritionalist who has really helped me steer my health in a new direction. My metabolism is up. I am wearing size 10 jeans and skirts again and my energy level is for the most part very high.

I have been working hard on the book and trying to balance the needs of finishing the book and the Almanac I signed with Llewellyn with the work I had already committed to with Modern Witch Magazine with the needs of my Family Coven. I have made a commitment to help Tree Bear with his homework daily and to be there for his extracurricular activities (he had chosen to continue Scouts, join the choir and play basketball this year – my Family Coven limits activities to no more than three a year).

Stone has been working long hours and the projects continue to manifest, which has it's up and downs to it. On the up, we are able to save enough money to move into a house within the next few months, on the down he spends a lot of time working. We have taken to working our weekends together occasionally taken a break to tell the other one what we are doing specifically. It is kind of fun.

Looking forward to moving is not something I want to do and not something I do not want to do. I love the idea that I will be able to go through this apartment and storage unit and get rid of crap we don't need, pair down our living a bit. On the downside, I get to go through the apartment and storage unit and get rid of crap we don't need, pair down our living a bit.

On the upside of life, Modern Witch Magazine is doing fabulous! My articles are getting great reviews and Ask a Pagan Parent is a huge hit. I am getting lots of questions which the editor and I did not expect. Even Stone is enjoying the magazine.

On the side of life that reminds us we are living to die and dying to live, Denessa Smith died of complications of gall bladder surgery. To say that the news was unnerving is an understatement. I had met Denessa at ConVocation 2008 and had already written her into my book. Some changes have had to be made however, I understand the Tempest Smith Foundation is going to try and continue the work Denessa was so passionate about.

The weather here today is stormy, so I am going to cut this short. I hope that you and yours continue to work well and find the blessings of the god and goddess many and fruitful!

 

Blessings!

 

Health Update; Eckhart Tolle and Learning Lessons

So my liver detox finally came and I started taking it yesterday. In addition to that, my green drink that I have been out of has come. Additionally, I have move up my doses on the Menstral Reg to its full strength, starting today. With my green drink back, my head feels less fuzzy; however, I am definitely having the flue like symptoms I was warned about having when I started to do this detox. I have had migraines, achiness and general discomfort for several days. Yesterday I ran a pretty high fever and was really sick to my stomach. I have tried to take this all in stride believing that I am actually moving away from illness and toward health by participating in these endeavors.

Interestingly enough, as I move from illness to health, I am forced to consider what part my personal ego has to play in the creation of my illness. In the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle he writes:

The pain-body consists of trapped life-energy that has split off from you energy field and has temporarily become autonomous throught the unnatural process of mind identification. It has turned in on itself and become anti-life, like and animal trying to devour its own tail. Why do you think our civilization has become so life-destructive? But even the life-destructive forces are still life-energy.

When you start to dis-identify and become the watcher, the pain-body will continue to operate for a while and will try to trick you into identifying with it again. Although you are no longer energizing it through your identification, it has a certain momentum, just like spinning wheel that will keep turning for a while even when it is no longer being propelled. At this stage, it may also create physical aches and pains in different parts of the body, but they won't last. Stay present, stay conscious. Be the ever-alert guardian of your inner space. You need to be present enough to be able to watch the pain-body directly and feel its energy. It then cannot control your thinking. The moment your thinking is aligned with the energy field of the pain-body, you are identified with it and again feeding it with your thoughts.

…Focus attention on feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don't think about it – don't let the feeling turn into thinking. Don't judge or analyze. Don't make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of "the one who observes," the silent watcher. This is the power of Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.

…The pain-body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence

In observing my body as it reacts to stress, I believe I have become addicted to illness as a coping mechanism to stress. I get stressed and thrust out of the Now and then react with a physical ailment that buys me time to consider what I really need to do. In the past 24 hours, I have had two major life issues to face. As I faced them I tried to stay present in my Now and I tried to focus my indestructible beingness on a compassionate response to the issues that had arisen. I really focused and in doing so found compassion AND I found boundaries. I found a way to lay down those boundaries free from anger and egoic responses. I made life altering decisions yesterday and did so from my center, my oneness, my beingness. There was a joy that was found in doing this that is truly indescribable. I think of these situations and fear, anxiety, irritation do not flow from me but joy and peace do. I think my ego and my pain-bodies are fighting back. Recently a wise man asked me if I was being psychically attacked and I agreed to begin to change some daily routines to try and stop the attacks that may be manifesting some of my illnesses.

Reading Tolle, I have learned that I am being psychically attacked from myself. My own pain-body and ego are fighting tooth and nail to continue to live and create drama, pain and suffering in my life. As I observe my ego and my pain-bodies, I get closer to the sense of peace and my mind clears a bit more. I am now learning to work with the body. How can I observe my own pain and see it as a separate phantom that is attacking me? How can I realize that my pain-bodies are so entrenched that they have manifested illness in me that is not really part of my body. It is part of mental tapes that have created illness in my body? How can I stop this pain and illness and reverse the damage done to my body?

I return to Tolle:

Ultimately, this is not about solving your problems. It's about realizing that there are no problems. Only situations – to be dealt with now, or to be left alone and accepted as part of the "isness" of the present moment until they change or can be dealt with. Problems are mind-made and need time to survive. They cannot survive in the actuality of the now.

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.

You may find it hard to recognize that time is the cause of your suffering or your problems. You believe that they are caused by specific situations in your life, and seen from a conventional view point, this is true. But until you have dealt with the basic problem-making dysfunction of the mind – its attachment to the past and future and denial of the now – problems are actually interchangeable.

It if it is the quality of your consciousness at this moment that determines the future, then what is it that determines the quality of the your consciousness? Your degree of presence. So the only place where true change can occur and where the past can be dissolved is the Now.

So any perceived problems I currently have are simply a rehashing of the same problem I have always had. Observe the problem and view it at a situation that either needs to be addressed or left alone until it can be addressed and suddenly you have decreased your stress level by 100 %. I have perceived illness which is really a manifestation of pain-bodies within me. As I observe these pain bodies and quiet my mind, keeping it out of future scenarios where everything goes wrong and keeping it out of past situations that lay a foundation for my belief that things are going to go wrong, I am in the Now and in the Now things are being worked on or waiting to be worked on, in either case, it is not something I have to worry about. As I feel pain, I can see the pain and try to find the feeling that the pain came with, then observe the situation and let the pain body go.

This happened 48 hours ago when someone I love, admire and care for with my soul disagreed with me. The next morning I was sick. As I observed my feelings throughout the day, I realized I was stuck in the past where when people disagree with me they don't love me anymore. As I observed the situation, my fever broke and I began to realize I was playing out future fears that this person wouldn't love me in the future if we were honest with each other and couldn't find agreement. I would lose her and my life would be devastated. However – this future is not NOW. So instead, I centered myself and read her emails as we began our discussion with compassion for her and myself. As I have done this I have lived in the Now and know that agreement or not, Family is more important than disagreement which means that compromise is the ultimate outcome of the situation. As I center myself, I know that love and joy of our relationship outstrips all other things and that that is the true beingness of our relationship. If we both work from that place, we will end the gap of misunderstanding and find ourselves closer than we have ever been outside of our collective pasts and denying any potential disastrous futures our minds can create. If we both work from being, then we both will be and the answer will manifest from the moment of our agreed upon love.

It was these realizations that lead me to be able to deal with the two sudden and horrible life challenges that came in the past 24 hours. This is why family spirituality can be so profound. Working in the context of unconditional love and living in a life of honest communication, you can reveal for each other what you need to learn doing so requires no formal training in spirituality. It requires Beingness. If you are being for your family, then you will radically change every person you come in contact within your family and without.

Health Update

We'll, as many of you are aware, I am on a quest to find health in my life. I have started a many pronged approach and thought I would give you an update.

One of the things I am trying to do is adjust my sleep wake times. This means turning off the devil box around 11 PM which is a bummer because sometimes I miss Deadliest Catch at 9 pm and they typically run it again at 11 PM. I am also trying to adjust waking at an earlier time.

Last night I was lights out and pretty much asleep by 11:45 PM and woke up today at 7:00 AM. I used to eat breakfast in front of the TV, now the TV stays off and I work on a gratitude journal, my regular journal and read a spiritual book. Right now I am reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and using Oprah's website to take the summer course. I signed up to take The Course in Miracles and for some reason I am not getting my emails. I am kind of bummed about that.

I have given up milk for the most part. We have gone to a family that used to drink 2 ½ gallons of milk every two weeks to a family that uses 2 quarts of Organic 2% milk every two weeks. I can't help but drink a little milk with my No Pudge brownie. But, Lydia, you say, you are eating healthier! And so I am!!! I make my No Pudge brownies with applesauce (sugar free, thank you). They are still the best chocolate fix to be found!!!

I am eating a high protein cereal for breakfast and have started taking some new herbals on the recommendation of my chiropractor who seems to think I am piremenopausal. I am taking Super GLA and Menstrual Reg both from Nature's Sunshine. In addition to these supplements I have purchased a Liver Detox system from Renew Life (I have used their products in the past with great results) and am drinking the Garden of Life Perfect Food drink every morning. The Chiropractor thinks my Liver Detoxing will help my over all functioning. She would also like to see me in her office to get cracked; however, I haven't taken that step yet.

For food, I am trying to only eat things that Tony would be able to eat. Right now we are addicted to Reduced Fat Wheat Thins which have no MSG, taste great and are freakin' awesome.

Our dinners consist of Vegetarian meals or fish and fresh veggies (when we can afford it).

I am bicycling or doing some other form of exercise three times per week. I am also trying to ensure that I am getting sun without sunscreen at least 20 minutes a day to help in my Vitamin D production which I also show signs of being deficient in.

My results so far are mixed. When the stress gets high I get run down. We had a family meeting in my Family Coven about stress and Lydia and today has been an easier day consequently I was able to fight off the sleepiness I usually battle in the afternoon and write a chapter on the book!!! Now there are some results. I think the Garden of Life drink has change my alkaline and I haven't had a soda in a week (I relapsed when I went to the movie theatre and hated the Sprite I got).

I am focusing on more water, more natural light, daily spiritual practice including meditations and vision boards, and keeping a food, exercise and natural light daily chart. I think I am heading in the right direction and will keep you posted.

Blogging

Today we went to see Wall-E. It was depressing. Even Tree Bear thought so. It was all about how we had finally polluted the world and corporate America had completely undermine the individual and human contact. What depressed me was that the majority of people who saw it thought it was "cute" as they waddled out of the movie theatre. I am sure the people who created it had a great laugh as they watched their audience remain oblivious that in part the people in the audience were the basis for the movie.

I am still reading Tolle and am close to the end. I am continuing with my gratitude book and journaling daily. My heath was good until I ate cake at the party yesterday and popcorn and my 1^st Spirte in weeks. I enjoyed neither the Sprite nor the popcorn and ate them anyway. Another thing the Wall-E movie focused on.

Yesterday we went to fun party for a friend of Tree Bear's at a state park where there were natural water falls with natural slippery slides. Tree Bear had a blast. We ate cake (not on my food choices) and a blimpie sandwich (not on my food choices) which went nicely with my popcorn and the 1^st Sprite in weeks I had today.

Friday night we spent at the Crimson Moon watching Emerald Rose. I had the best meal at The Crimson Moon and Emerald Rose was fabulous as always. We will be seeing them again next weekend at the Northwest Georgia Celtic Festival go the Emerald Rose to learn more about the upcoming festival or write to brian@emeraldrose.com for the latest information. We will be there for sure!

Stone has under taken the burden of cooking dinner (which is good cause I really don't feel like it). I have found a pattern for the dodecahedron to crochet and have had a time getting it correct. Although I keep trying!

I did my meditations today and am really concerned for one of the DSFC members and found a few in a funky haze. It just must be one of those days. I love you guys.

Sabotage & Kissing

So last night instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour I stayed up until 2:30 PM just sitting. I am reading Eckhart Tolle A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose and he was discussing families. Up until this section I was completely down with what he had to say; however, his words just cut deep and I was left drinking ½ glass of milk and eating two strawberry poptarts while sitting on the couch doing nothing.

Having identified as the victim of domestic abuse for so long, the idea that I should let those thought forms simple go and no long accept that who and what I am is dictated by my past is pretty radical. The third degree is to Be and I have been obsessed by this idea of BEING for many years now. Tolle's book is all about Being. It tells you how to recognize when you are not being and tells you how to let go of those times and become more present, more "be."

I know this book will require a second read and I also know that not everyone would read this book and understand; however, as a research book for what I am writing on I find it most helpful. He utilizes mostly Christian and Zen Buddhist examples; however, the fact that I was raised Christian has really helped me. It is a reference point that I can easily adapt to.

Between my study of the Laws of Attraction and the Tolle my world view is shifting, and you take into account the physical changes I am trying to put into place and you have and interesting situation in my life. It is definitely a journey and it feels good to feel that I am on one again.

It doesn't help that I have contracted the virus that has had my husband down in the bed for three days. I am shooting DayQuil and think NiteQuil is on my menu for tonight.

To know – Your Ego

To Do – Clear Your Ego

To Will – Command Your Ego

To Be – Release Your Ego

(Lydia M. Crabtree, 2008)

 

I have put some of the insights that have struck me below.

I have this fear of failure. I know what to do and when to do it and yet I fear doing it. I fear success. My old thought patterns are still very ingrained. I focus on them. I examine them. The idea that my problem is "letting go" hadn't really occurred to me. Here I am thought, with the need to "let go."

No thing ever had (has) anything to do with who they (I) are (am).

The ego tends to equate having with Being. I have, therefore, I am.

The ego's sense of self-worth is in most cases bound up with the worth you have in the eyes of others.

I am awareness that is aware that there is an attachment.

I don't have enough yet translates to I AM NOT enough yet.

I think therefore I am is the root of ego.

The consciousness that say, "I am" is no that consciousness that thinks."

I am – not what my consciousness has settled for.

If the shutters are closed, sunlight cannot come in.

Be still and know that you are.

Ego lives on identification and separation.

When you confuse the ego that you perceive in others with their identity, it is the work of your own ego that uses this misperception to strengthen itself through being right and therefore superior and through reacting with condemnation, indignation and often anger against the perceived enemy. Pg 73

The particular egoic patterns that you react to most strongly in others and misperceive as their identity tend to be the same patterns that are also in you, but that you are unable or unwilling to detect within yourself. In that sense, you have much to learn from you enemies. What is it in them that you find most upsetting, most disturbing? Their selfishness? Their greed? Their need for power and control? Their insincerity, dishonesty, propensity to violence, or whatever it may be? Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you. But it is no more than a form of ego, and as such, it is completely impersonal. It has nothing to do with who that person is, nor has it anything to do with who you are. Only if you mistake it for who you are can observing it within you be threatening to your sense of self. Pg 74

Whatever you fight you strengthen and what you resist persists. Pg 75

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Pg 96

See the link between what you are thinking and your emotions.

What to you is a mistake may be exactly what your children need to do or experience.

Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of ego.

One with Life. Being one with life is being one with Now.

Before you were the thoughts, emotions and reactions; now you are the awareness, the conscious Presence that witnesses those states.

Your entire personal history, which is ultimately no more than a story, a bundle of thoughts and emotions, becomes of secondary importance and no longer occupies the forefront of your consciousness.

The stronger the ego in you, the more likely it is that in your perception other people are the main source of problems in your life. Pg 119

The collective ego of tribes, nations, and religious organizations also frequently contains a strong element of paranoia: us against the evil others. It is the cause of much human suffering. Pg 120

The Zen they say: "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions." What does that mean? Let go of identification with your mind. Who you are beyond the mind then emerges by itself. Pg 121

Everything italicized comes from Tolle's Work. My own quote is un- italicized.

My Healthy Journey

I have had requests that I chronicle how my move toward a holistic and healthy life style is coming. So here is the latest information:

I found a local chiropractor who also does nutritional evaluations, supplement evaluations and massage therapy. I have visited her office and filled out a lengthy questionnaire about my overall health. I am not keeping a food, exercise, sun intake diary for her and will visit her again next week to plot out a course of action.

Additionally, I am looking at the energy intake, out-take and general energy flow in my life as a possible place where changes can be made. I have been watching the secret and made vision boards for various things I worry about. Additionally, I purchased the book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle which has already begun to change how I am thinking about my health.

I started a Grateful journal yesterday and realized I misspelled grateful for the first three pages. I spelled it GREATful. Then I mused about how that is true. If you are grateful then your life is GREAT-FULL, filled with things and ideas and interactions that are spiritually healing and moving. I have also started to journal again and will be looking at getting into an exercise routine as my body heals. Additionally, I am looking into getting into an energetic routine. It was suggested by the Chiropractor and is something I haven't decided upon; however, I am moving toward. I am also looking at my intake of electronic stimulous. How much time I am wasting with the television on and how much damage is being done to my energy by my constant bombardment with the negativity of society?

I am also trying to kill refined sugar. I am not being successful. On the 3^rd I had two cupcakes and on the 4^th I snuck a candy bar. I am drinking a super green drink daily though and have started putting processed foods out of my house. These things are going as well as can be expected. I am happy to report that I am down to drinking water and juice. Believe it or not – there is no soda in my house.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Mind, Body, Spirit

I have been unusually quiet the past few weeks (ok, more like the past month). I thought I would blog and reconnect with readers and those who seem to take an interest in what is going on in my world.

My body has revolted. In doing so my body has given up my appendix and gall bladder in the name of getting my attention. Typically I could bombard you with funny stories about the hospital or touching ones about the things my Family Coven learned during this time period (See Modern Witch Magazine Lughnasadh issue for more on this). I think, however, I would like to address something else that is prevalent among witches, Wiccans, Neo-Pagans and those who classify themselves as "Other" in the religious category.

My name is Lydia M. Crabtree and I have only bought into 50% of my power as a witch. I believe I have the power to banish harm from my Family Coven. I believe I can manifest things under certain circumstances. However, when it comes to things that really matter – my health – my finances – circumstances that I have deemed beyond my control – these things are beyond my power – they are 50% beyond my ability as a witch. My name is Lydia M. Crabtree and I am half a witch.

I have jokingly announced to close Family Coven members that my Spirit and Body got together and have officially over ruled my mind. They have decided that I deserved the pain of two surgeries in as many weeks and the continued uncomfortable aftermaths of messing with your bowel system. The truth is, it is no joke. Laying in a hospital bed recovering from yet another surgery where a surgeon has removed polluted body parts that no longer functioned, I had to wonder how a witch – who believes in the power of transmutation – who believed and knew The Secret before the video and book – got into this situation?

Then I got to thinking about the other things in my life that are at 50% currently. What is it that I lack that has caused these horrible gaps in my magic? I have identified a few that I am dealing with now; however, I suspect that this journey is one that is going to take longer than I would like. My first problem, is I have bought into some societal lies told to me to help support commercialism.

Holistic healers will tell you, sometimes you need to have a fever and NOT take medication to stop it. The fever, as uncomfortable as it is, is doing a job. I, however, have singlehandedly supported the Ibuprophen, Acedominephine drug companies in the name of a little less discomfort versus letting nature – the thing as a witch I am suppose to be tuned into – take its course. I can recall my Sword Sister calling me with a cold and tell me she was sweating out the virus with blankets and hot tea of some healing nature and being appalled at how much trouble she would go to when the drug companies have made it so easy for us. Looking back, I think my gall bladder might have preferred I took a more holistic approach.

The problem is, I have bought into this idea that there are things that are in the realms of magic and things that are out of the realms. Things that magic can control and change and things that magic cannot. I have bought into a societal lie that I am LIMITED. No wonder my body is confused. I step into circle and draw down the power of the Goddess into my temple – a temple I abuse regularly with processed foods, unnecessary drugs, and refined sugars – and wonder why the dichotomy cannot exist. Why complete holiness cannot be tolerated in a body, mind and spirit that is only 50% committed to the magic a Goddess can do.

Then I got to thinking about my marriage to my wonderful husband – Stone. When he and I mentally, spiritually and physically are in unison – the world stops and obeys, the universe turns and moves in the direction that we command. In our lives the portions of our lives that are completely out of balance are the ones we are not in harmony over. My husband has been trying to get me to take a more holistic and healthy approach to my body for years and for years, I have rejected his wisdom. Conversely, I have been trying to convince him that the universe will take care of every financial need we could conceive if he would only believe that the universe was infinite in it's ability to care for us. And for years, he has held on to the idea that we are financially limited and struggle and money are a fact of life we must bow to.

So this week I went to Stone and admitted I was wrong. I agreed to follow his lead when it came to holistic healing. He has found a wonderful healer to see and begin addressing his issues and I have agreed to give up refined sugar, soda and as much processed foods as possible. He is elated at this turn of events and challenged by me to begin to examine his views around money and bring them closer to my view that the universe wants us to live in wealth and we simply have to claim it to own it. I am convinced that once we are of one mind when it comes to health and wealth – we will finally own both.

These are hard habits to break, deeply engrained in my psyche and a part of the life that I am trying to shake off. I have also begun to see the mind spirit connection between illnesses and the spiritual issues I thought I had addressed. It is humbling to think that these issues are still there locked in the DNA of my body and kept there by a mind too stubborn to let go.

I firmly believe that I have become successfully with a 50% commitment to the magic I believe in. Now my challenge is to become devoted to 100% of the magic the universe has to offer me. My name is Lydia M. Crabtree and I am 100% magic…or at least working on it.

 

Back from StarFest & Appendix
 
StarFest was absolutely wonderful. Stone and Tree Bear both attended Michael Stanley's MySpace workshop on meditation and LOVED it. Iona, Lady Yannu and our friend Suz all spent time with Grandmother Elspeth of Haven. They took all of her classes and found her information to be life altering. You can learn more about Elspeth and her work by reading this article.
 
Stone and I made dream catchers with Swan and I had a really great time doing it!!! I think I might actually be able to make one on my own now. I got to spend a lot of time crocheting and simply being in the shade.
 
With the help of Lady Eurhythmy and Lord Peregrine from Glen Luna the main ritual was a smashing success. Where would we have been with out FireDrake's last minute stepping up to "save our bacon?" Not to mention the drummers, chanters (especially the little fairies who lead the way), the volunteers who helped served cakes and ale and smudgers?
 
Darien, Tree Bear, Iona, Lady Yannu, FireDrake, Lady Eurhythmy and Lord Peregrinedramatic performances made the ritual one of the best I have had the honor to participate in.
 
I ran into Sophia Gross - an old friend who seems happy. It was great to catch up with her, see her daughter and hear all the positive things happening in her life.
 
I began to get sick on Sunday afternoon right after my class Family Coven: An Introduction. I was honored to be worked on by a fabulous Reiki Master, Nancy Daniel. Michael Stanley also worked on me and so did Danae, all who had seen me and inquired about my health. I figured I was dehydrated from the heat and all the energy work I had done. So Monday morning, we got up and got everything together to get the heck out of dodge and back home. We stopped by Ryan's (Stone, Yannu, Tree Bear and I) on the way out and before I could even leave the restaurant I was throwing it up. I took some Dramamine and slept all the way home. I got home still feeling nauseated and having extreme abdominal pain. I tried to help the boys unpack; however, by about 7:30 PM we were on the way to the hospital.
 
I told Stone was pretty sure I had appendicitis. After being at the ER from around 7:30 PM until 2:30 AM, we were sent away with a diagnosis of "severe abdominal pain of unknown origin."
 
We all went home and fell into bed. Stone got up and went to work to make a meeting, turned around and came home to get my medication taken care of from the night before and found me still sleeping. I told him I was feeling better and got up to finish the unpacking. As I began to unpack the pain began to return. Then I got a call from the hospital.
 
On holiday's they have a general radiologist review films and then the next business day a specialist will review the films. After a specialist had reviewed the films and my history, they had diagnosed me with appendicitis. The nurse asked if I might come back to the ER immediately to speak with a surgeon.

Stone, Tree Bear and I packed it back up and went to hospital where we found ourselves in the weighting room all of five minutes. Within hours we were in the OR and I was without an appendices. I was later told that my appendix wouldn't have lasted much longer without a rupture and it was a very good timing to have had it removed.
 
I wanted to thank Georgie - who dropped everything and came over to adult baby sit me so Stone could return to work. I want to thank Tina who is coming to adult baby sit tomorrow and Iona and Suz who have agreed to come this weekend and help with cleaning, laundry and other things. Where would DSFC be this week without all of this hands ..?
 
Additionally, I want to thank Crystal Blanton, HPS for stepping up and temporarily taking over FWTI and DSFC while I recover from the several wounds and my illness. I would also like to thank the Board of Directors, DSFC, FWTI and Jonathan Ware for their continued vigilant healing energy.
 
I should be up and completely normal again in two weeks and am well on my way right now. I love you guys and had a great time at StarFest!

Back from PUF off to StarFest

I am back from PUF and have to say I had a great time. Christopher Penczak's main ritual was amazing and spiritually altering. I can't express in words how grateful I am. Of course, another Llewellyn Worldwide author team was at PUFthis year. River and Joyce Higgenbotham were in attendance and presented their two books that have been released through Llewellyn Worldwide.

What PUF event would be complete without the attendance of Dorothy Morrison and MR Sellars? They
seem to attend every year and bring the party with them!

I also met Gina Estevez who was a beautiful soul and had much in common with me in regards to how I view the tarot। We shared dinner together and she is a soul I would love to spend more time with.

I had spent time before with Christopher Penczak's and thoroughly enjoyed him। Stone went to one of his workshops and found it interesting। I was very tired this trip and did the Birthing Hereditary Witchcraft classes back to back, so I didn't get to go to very many classes myself. I went to the Writer's Work shop and enjoyed
that seminar as much as I did last year.

Stone and I both enjoyed spending time with Ellen Dugan. I couldn't get her website to work so I haven't listed it. However, I looked over the books she has also written through Llewellyn Worldwide and got pretty excited about her. She is funny and very down to earth. I can't wait to be at other festivals with her and wear our very none witchy clothing together. She also took me aside and gave me a big huge and said, "Welcome to the family. I think your going to be great!" It was so uplifting to have such loving support. She is all about gardening and we didn't even have time to talk about my urban garden (I know have two green tomatoes in my tomato container. Although, I lost my pepper plant when the basil feel off the ledge and crushed it. It even had a baby pepper on it I was not happy!!!! My lemon balm is unstoppable; however, and I wish I knew more about drying herbs so that it wouldn't go to waste). I encourage everyone to pick up Ellen's books and book her for events. You will get a
vivacious, warm and welcoming author who is grounded in the earth and the magic we can all tap into there.

I also got to meet Shadowdancer. You can also friend Shadowdancer on MySpace। Jack, the lead singer was featured in Modern Witch Magazine's most recent issue and is the author of American Shamanism. As I listened to Jack sing with his group, I turned to Stone and said, "Damn, he does NOT suck!" Stone answered, "I know.
How cool is that?" His music blends Celtic and Appalachian influences and still sings about the gods, goddesses and witches that stir my soul. I was absolutely enchanted! I encourage you to get his CDs and order his book.
I found him to be a man of depth and of experience we would all benefit from exploring.

Stone went to a class taught by Scott Summers called "Exploring the Male Mysteries." Scott recommended
some books that I don't recall at the moment (maybe Stone could comment and give us the name of the books in question।) Stone was really inspired by Scott's workshop and actually wants to order the books. In my world, that is a big impact. Scott is a member and High Priest of Summerland Grove Pagan Church.

Stone attended the seminar with a new friend, Thor, who is a Buddhist and an Asatru. Those who follow my blog know that Tree Bear, my son, follows both paths and this was just too interesting to meet someone else who had blended the paths. Thor is a Division Manager with the Florida Pagan Gathering organization. FPG is one of the larger gatherings in Florida and Stone and I camped near them exchanging common ideas and thoughts.
Thor is interested in Quantum impact upon magic and although we never got around to talking about it, I feel that conversation in our near future. We also talked about the balance needed between the God and Goddess and how FPG was striving to find that balance in their presentations. It was a glorious conversation and I hope FPG will have me down there in 2009 (of course, only if I get my damn Cheetoes®) ((LOL)).

All in all, it was fun and relaxing and now it is time to pack up and turn around and start getting ready for StarFest.

I am off to Pagan Unity Festival. So I won't be on line for a few days. Ya'll have a great weekend and I will give a full report when I return!