Dealing with Suspected Child Abuse
Some may know and others may not, I am an adult who survived 18 years+ of physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse. I no longer have any contact with my biological family and was gratefully adopted and taken into the heart of Cora Nettles before she died. Which gives me a mother figure to point to that I am terminally proud of.
That said, I am continually amazed by the misconceptions the general population seems to have about people who abuse.
Today I was eating breakfast at a local place when I was sat behind a group of soccer moms. One of the women was being extremely loud as she dramatically told her friends about a mutual friend who had "spanked" her twelve year old daughter with a belt. When she admitted to her friends that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with her own daughter going to this woman's house, I could no longer be silent.
Unfortunately, what I really should have said never made it out of my mouth. I really am more articulate on paper!
The woman immediately began to defend this other mother. "She is a long time friend," she said. "The girl is dramatic, ya know, because she is twelve." "I know she [the mother] is verbally abusive, but ya know, I don't think she is really hurting her." "Children who are really abused don't tell adults and this girl told me so she isn't really being abused."
On and on the excuses came as this woman defended the actions of her other friend, even retracting the statement about not letting her own daughter go to this woman's house. Her final defense was, "I don't really know what constitutes abuse, ya know, legally."
I told her the legal definition of abuse was if any spanking left marks or any other actions caused significant mental and/or emotional harm that would prove to be long lasting. Eventually the trio moved because of the chilly air in their booth.
I was frustrated with myself that I couldn't articulate accurately what needed to be said. So here is what I should have said.
"She [the abuser] is a long time friend."
People who abuse their children blend in. Keeping in mind that nearly three children of five (boys) and four children of five (girls) are being abused in some capacity, the likelihood that real abuse is occurring when there is suspected abuse is pretty high. Additionally, no friendship should ever over shadow a person's desire to protect the helpless, the children. Saving your social status among your peers is not excuse enough to allow child abuse to continue.
"The girls is dramatic, ya know, because she is twelve." Alright, so pre-teen girls are dramatic. Did you physically examine her for marks? Do you really think this is an isolated incident? Did you ask the girl if this was the first time? Did you ask her if the father utilized physical spanking to punish her? are there other children in the home? Did you question them about the incident and about whether or not they were being physically hit as punishment?
"I know she [the mother] is verbally abusive, but ya know, I don't think she is really hurting her [the daughter]." Really? So if a mother accuses her daughter of being a slut, whore, lazy, dumb and/or any other combination of verbal insults, those terms and words are not going to have any adverse affect on the pre-teen? Especially during one of the most important developmental stages in a girls development? Don't you think in some ways verbal abuse is more insidious than physical abuse? It leaves no scars and no proof but the damage done by mere words alone can often drive teenagers to suicide, drinking, reckless sexual encounters and teenage pregnancy. And even after all that, the abuse gets away clean, never being viewed as the cause of the problem to begin with.
"Children who are really abused don't tell adults and this girl told me so she isn't really being abused." That is normally true. Children who are abuse do not reveal the depth and true horror of their abuse. However, sometimes they may be exposed to people who they trust and after feeling comfortable may finally open up to one person in attempt to find an adult who will make the abuse stop. The actions of that one adult will set the tone for the abused child's life. They will either decided that reaching out for help is worth the risk of retribution or they will learn that no one will believe them and dismiss them and never speak again. Growing up to continue the cycle of abuse and violence on their own children. Do you think it is worth that risk to no believe this child?
"I don't know really know what constitutes abuse, ya know, legally." Then are you really equipped to deal with the fall out of this situation? Isn't it better to turn the situation over to someone who is trained to make those decisions? Don't you think that you are taking a chance on the health and long term well being of a child (or children if there is more than one in the home) by deciding what is best in this situation when you admit you have no training and no knowledge of what is best? Would you perform counseling services on an abuse victim or on an abuser? If not, what qualifies you to dismiss a twelve-year-old's plea for help? Would you rather stay silent and safe and secure? Or would you rather decide to let persons who are trained to help families like your friends, do what is best for everyone?
You shouldn't let up. You should keep up the pressure where you protect the children. If the friend distances herself from you, you should take that as a sure sign that abuse is occurring and report them.
Remember this, teachers are required by law to report suspected abuse. Just because you can't be held legally responsible does not assuage your moral obligation.
Some may know and others may not, I am an adult who survived 18 years+ of physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse. I no longer have any contact with my biological family and was gratefully adopted and taken into the heart of Cora Nettles before she died. Which gives me a mother figure to point to that I am terminally proud of.
That said, I am continually amazed by the misconceptions the general population seems to have about people who abuse.
Today I was eating breakfast at a local place when I was sat behind a group of soccer moms. One of the women was being extremely loud as she dramatically told her friends about a mutual friend who had "spanked" her twelve year old daughter with a belt. When she admitted to her friends that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with her own daughter going to this woman's house, I could no longer be silent.
Unfortunately, what I really should have said never made it out of my mouth. I really am more articulate on paper!
The woman immediately began to defend this other mother. "She is a long time friend," she said. "The girl is dramatic, ya know, because she is twelve." "I know she [the mother] is verbally abusive, but ya know, I don't think she is really hurting her." "Children who are really abused don't tell adults and this girl told me so she isn't really being abused."
On and on the excuses came as this woman defended the actions of her other friend, even retracting the statement about not letting her own daughter go to this woman's house. Her final defense was, "I don't really know what constitutes abuse, ya know, legally."
I told her the legal definition of abuse was if any spanking left marks or any other actions caused significant mental and/or emotional harm that would prove to be long lasting. Eventually the trio moved because of the chilly air in their booth.
I was frustrated with myself that I couldn't articulate accurately what needed to be said. So here is what I should have said.
"She [the abuser] is a long time friend."
People who abuse their children blend in. Keeping in mind that nearly three children of five (boys) and four children of five (girls) are being abused in some capacity, the likelihood that real abuse is occurring when there is suspected abuse is pretty high. Additionally, no friendship should ever over shadow a person's desire to protect the helpless, the children. Saving your social status among your peers is not excuse enough to allow child abuse to continue.
"The girls is dramatic, ya know, because she is twelve." Alright, so pre-teen girls are dramatic. Did you physically examine her for marks? Do you really think this is an isolated incident? Did you ask the girl if this was the first time? Did you ask her if the father utilized physical spanking to punish her? are there other children in the home? Did you question them about the incident and about whether or not they were being physically hit as punishment?
"I know she [the mother] is verbally abusive, but ya know, I don't think she is really hurting her [the daughter]." Really? So if a mother accuses her daughter of being a slut, whore, lazy, dumb and/or any other combination of verbal insults, those terms and words are not going to have any adverse affect on the pre-teen? Especially during one of the most important developmental stages in a girls development? Don't you think in some ways verbal abuse is more insidious than physical abuse? It leaves no scars and no proof but the damage done by mere words alone can often drive teenagers to suicide, drinking, reckless sexual encounters and teenage pregnancy. And even after all that, the abuse gets away clean, never being viewed as the cause of the problem to begin with.
"Children who are really abused don't tell adults and this girl told me so she isn't really being abused." That is normally true. Children who are abuse do not reveal the depth and true horror of their abuse. However, sometimes they may be exposed to people who they trust and after feeling comfortable may finally open up to one person in attempt to find an adult who will make the abuse stop. The actions of that one adult will set the tone for the abused child's life. They will either decided that reaching out for help is worth the risk of retribution or they will learn that no one will believe them and dismiss them and never speak again. Growing up to continue the cycle of abuse and violence on their own children. Do you think it is worth that risk to no believe this child?
"I don't know really know what constitutes abuse, ya know, legally." Then are you really equipped to deal with the fall out of this situation? Isn't it better to turn the situation over to someone who is trained to make those decisions? Don't you think that you are taking a chance on the health and long term well being of a child (or children if there is more than one in the home) by deciding what is best in this situation when you admit you have no training and no knowledge of what is best? Would you perform counseling services on an abuse victim or on an abuser? If not, what qualifies you to dismiss a twelve-year-old's plea for help? Would you rather stay silent and safe and secure? Or would you rather decide to let persons who are trained to help families like your friends, do what is best for everyone?
You shouldn't let up. You should keep up the pressure where you protect the children. If the friend distances herself from you, you should take that as a sure sign that abuse is occurring and report them.
Remember this, teachers are required by law to report suspected abuse. Just because you can't be held legally responsible does not assuage your moral obligation.
