Health Update; Eckhart Tolle and Learning Lessons

So my liver detox finally came and I started taking it yesterday. In addition to that, my green drink that I have been out of has come. Additionally, I have move up my doses on the Menstral Reg to its full strength, starting today. With my green drink back, my head feels less fuzzy; however, I am definitely having the flue like symptoms I was warned about having when I started to do this detox. I have had migraines, achiness and general discomfort for several days. Yesterday I ran a pretty high fever and was really sick to my stomach. I have tried to take this all in stride believing that I am actually moving away from illness and toward health by participating in these endeavors.

Interestingly enough, as I move from illness to health, I am forced to consider what part my personal ego has to play in the creation of my illness. In the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle he writes:

The pain-body consists of trapped life-energy that has split off from you energy field and has temporarily become autonomous throught the unnatural process of mind identification. It has turned in on itself and become anti-life, like and animal trying to devour its own tail. Why do you think our civilization has become so life-destructive? But even the life-destructive forces are still life-energy.

When you start to dis-identify and become the watcher, the pain-body will continue to operate for a while and will try to trick you into identifying with it again. Although you are no longer energizing it through your identification, it has a certain momentum, just like spinning wheel that will keep turning for a while even when it is no longer being propelled. At this stage, it may also create physical aches and pains in different parts of the body, but they won't last. Stay present, stay conscious. Be the ever-alert guardian of your inner space. You need to be present enough to be able to watch the pain-body directly and feel its energy. It then cannot control your thinking. The moment your thinking is aligned with the energy field of the pain-body, you are identified with it and again feeding it with your thoughts.

…Focus attention on feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don't think about it – don't let the feeling turn into thinking. Don't judge or analyze. Don't make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of "the one who observes," the silent watcher. This is the power of Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.

…The pain-body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence

In observing my body as it reacts to stress, I believe I have become addicted to illness as a coping mechanism to stress. I get stressed and thrust out of the Now and then react with a physical ailment that buys me time to consider what I really need to do. In the past 24 hours, I have had two major life issues to face. As I faced them I tried to stay present in my Now and I tried to focus my indestructible beingness on a compassionate response to the issues that had arisen. I really focused and in doing so found compassion AND I found boundaries. I found a way to lay down those boundaries free from anger and egoic responses. I made life altering decisions yesterday and did so from my center, my oneness, my beingness. There was a joy that was found in doing this that is truly indescribable. I think of these situations and fear, anxiety, irritation do not flow from me but joy and peace do. I think my ego and my pain-bodies are fighting back. Recently a wise man asked me if I was being psychically attacked and I agreed to begin to change some daily routines to try and stop the attacks that may be manifesting some of my illnesses.

Reading Tolle, I have learned that I am being psychically attacked from myself. My own pain-body and ego are fighting tooth and nail to continue to live and create drama, pain and suffering in my life. As I observe my ego and my pain-bodies, I get closer to the sense of peace and my mind clears a bit more. I am now learning to work with the body. How can I observe my own pain and see it as a separate phantom that is attacking me? How can I realize that my pain-bodies are so entrenched that they have manifested illness in me that is not really part of my body. It is part of mental tapes that have created illness in my body? How can I stop this pain and illness and reverse the damage done to my body?

I return to Tolle:

Ultimately, this is not about solving your problems. It's about realizing that there are no problems. Only situations – to be dealt with now, or to be left alone and accepted as part of the "isness" of the present moment until they change or can be dealt with. Problems are mind-made and need time to survive. They cannot survive in the actuality of the now.

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.

You may find it hard to recognize that time is the cause of your suffering or your problems. You believe that they are caused by specific situations in your life, and seen from a conventional view point, this is true. But until you have dealt with the basic problem-making dysfunction of the mind – its attachment to the past and future and denial of the now – problems are actually interchangeable.

It if it is the quality of your consciousness at this moment that determines the future, then what is it that determines the quality of the your consciousness? Your degree of presence. So the only place where true change can occur and where the past can be dissolved is the Now.

So any perceived problems I currently have are simply a rehashing of the same problem I have always had. Observe the problem and view it at a situation that either needs to be addressed or left alone until it can be addressed and suddenly you have decreased your stress level by 100 %. I have perceived illness which is really a manifestation of pain-bodies within me. As I observe these pain bodies and quiet my mind, keeping it out of future scenarios where everything goes wrong and keeping it out of past situations that lay a foundation for my belief that things are going to go wrong, I am in the Now and in the Now things are being worked on or waiting to be worked on, in either case, it is not something I have to worry about. As I feel pain, I can see the pain and try to find the feeling that the pain came with, then observe the situation and let the pain body go.

This happened 48 hours ago when someone I love, admire and care for with my soul disagreed with me. The next morning I was sick. As I observed my feelings throughout the day, I realized I was stuck in the past where when people disagree with me they don't love me anymore. As I observed the situation, my fever broke and I began to realize I was playing out future fears that this person wouldn't love me in the future if we were honest with each other and couldn't find agreement. I would lose her and my life would be devastated. However – this future is not NOW. So instead, I centered myself and read her emails as we began our discussion with compassion for her and myself. As I have done this I have lived in the Now and know that agreement or not, Family is more important than disagreement which means that compromise is the ultimate outcome of the situation. As I center myself, I know that love and joy of our relationship outstrips all other things and that that is the true beingness of our relationship. If we both work from that place, we will end the gap of misunderstanding and find ourselves closer than we have ever been outside of our collective pasts and denying any potential disastrous futures our minds can create. If we both work from being, then we both will be and the answer will manifest from the moment of our agreed upon love.

It was these realizations that lead me to be able to deal with the two sudden and horrible life challenges that came in the past 24 hours. This is why family spirituality can be so profound. Working in the context of unconditional love and living in a life of honest communication, you can reveal for each other what you need to learn doing so requires no formal training in spirituality. It requires Beingness. If you are being for your family, then you will radically change every person you come in contact within your family and without.

Health Update

We'll, as many of you are aware, I am on a quest to find health in my life. I have started a many pronged approach and thought I would give you an update.

One of the things I am trying to do is adjust my sleep wake times. This means turning off the devil box around 11 PM which is a bummer because sometimes I miss Deadliest Catch at 9 pm and they typically run it again at 11 PM. I am also trying to adjust waking at an earlier time.

Last night I was lights out and pretty much asleep by 11:45 PM and woke up today at 7:00 AM. I used to eat breakfast in front of the TV, now the TV stays off and I work on a gratitude journal, my regular journal and read a spiritual book. Right now I am reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and using Oprah's website to take the summer course. I signed up to take The Course in Miracles and for some reason I am not getting my emails. I am kind of bummed about that.

I have given up milk for the most part. We have gone to a family that used to drink 2 ½ gallons of milk every two weeks to a family that uses 2 quarts of Organic 2% milk every two weeks. I can't help but drink a little milk with my No Pudge brownie. But, Lydia, you say, you are eating healthier! And so I am!!! I make my No Pudge brownies with applesauce (sugar free, thank you). They are still the best chocolate fix to be found!!!

I am eating a high protein cereal for breakfast and have started taking some new herbals on the recommendation of my chiropractor who seems to think I am piremenopausal. I am taking Super GLA and Menstrual Reg both from Nature's Sunshine. In addition to these supplements I have purchased a Liver Detox system from Renew Life (I have used their products in the past with great results) and am drinking the Garden of Life Perfect Food drink every morning. The Chiropractor thinks my Liver Detoxing will help my over all functioning. She would also like to see me in her office to get cracked; however, I haven't taken that step yet.

For food, I am trying to only eat things that Tony would be able to eat. Right now we are addicted to Reduced Fat Wheat Thins which have no MSG, taste great and are freakin' awesome.

Our dinners consist of Vegetarian meals or fish and fresh veggies (when we can afford it).

I am bicycling or doing some other form of exercise three times per week. I am also trying to ensure that I am getting sun without sunscreen at least 20 minutes a day to help in my Vitamin D production which I also show signs of being deficient in.

My results so far are mixed. When the stress gets high I get run down. We had a family meeting in my Family Coven about stress and Lydia and today has been an easier day consequently I was able to fight off the sleepiness I usually battle in the afternoon and write a chapter on the book!!! Now there are some results. I think the Garden of Life drink has change my alkaline and I haven't had a soda in a week (I relapsed when I went to the movie theatre and hated the Sprite I got).

I am focusing on more water, more natural light, daily spiritual practice including meditations and vision boards, and keeping a food, exercise and natural light daily chart. I think I am heading in the right direction and will keep you posted.

Blogging

Today we went to see Wall-E. It was depressing. Even Tree Bear thought so. It was all about how we had finally polluted the world and corporate America had completely undermine the individual and human contact. What depressed me was that the majority of people who saw it thought it was "cute" as they waddled out of the movie theatre. I am sure the people who created it had a great laugh as they watched their audience remain oblivious that in part the people in the audience were the basis for the movie.

I am still reading Tolle and am close to the end. I am continuing with my gratitude book and journaling daily. My heath was good until I ate cake at the party yesterday and popcorn and my 1^st Spirte in weeks. I enjoyed neither the Sprite nor the popcorn and ate them anyway. Another thing the Wall-E movie focused on.

Yesterday we went to fun party for a friend of Tree Bear's at a state park where there were natural water falls with natural slippery slides. Tree Bear had a blast. We ate cake (not on my food choices) and a blimpie sandwich (not on my food choices) which went nicely with my popcorn and the 1^st Sprite in weeks I had today.

Friday night we spent at the Crimson Moon watching Emerald Rose. I had the best meal at The Crimson Moon and Emerald Rose was fabulous as always. We will be seeing them again next weekend at the Northwest Georgia Celtic Festival go the Emerald Rose to learn more about the upcoming festival or write to brian@emeraldrose.com for the latest information. We will be there for sure!

Stone has under taken the burden of cooking dinner (which is good cause I really don't feel like it). I have found a pattern for the dodecahedron to crochet and have had a time getting it correct. Although I keep trying!

I did my meditations today and am really concerned for one of the DSFC members and found a few in a funky haze. It just must be one of those days. I love you guys.

Sabotage & Kissing

So last night instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour I stayed up until 2:30 PM just sitting. I am reading Eckhart Tolle A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose and he was discussing families. Up until this section I was completely down with what he had to say; however, his words just cut deep and I was left drinking ½ glass of milk and eating two strawberry poptarts while sitting on the couch doing nothing.

Having identified as the victim of domestic abuse for so long, the idea that I should let those thought forms simple go and no long accept that who and what I am is dictated by my past is pretty radical. The third degree is to Be and I have been obsessed by this idea of BEING for many years now. Tolle's book is all about Being. It tells you how to recognize when you are not being and tells you how to let go of those times and become more present, more "be."

I know this book will require a second read and I also know that not everyone would read this book and understand; however, as a research book for what I am writing on I find it most helpful. He utilizes mostly Christian and Zen Buddhist examples; however, the fact that I was raised Christian has really helped me. It is a reference point that I can easily adapt to.

Between my study of the Laws of Attraction and the Tolle my world view is shifting, and you take into account the physical changes I am trying to put into place and you have and interesting situation in my life. It is definitely a journey and it feels good to feel that I am on one again.

It doesn't help that I have contracted the virus that has had my husband down in the bed for three days. I am shooting DayQuil and think NiteQuil is on my menu for tonight.

To know – Your Ego

To Do – Clear Your Ego

To Will – Command Your Ego

To Be – Release Your Ego

(Lydia M. Crabtree, 2008)

 

I have put some of the insights that have struck me below.

I have this fear of failure. I know what to do and when to do it and yet I fear doing it. I fear success. My old thought patterns are still very ingrained. I focus on them. I examine them. The idea that my problem is "letting go" hadn't really occurred to me. Here I am thought, with the need to "let go."

No thing ever had (has) anything to do with who they (I) are (am).

The ego tends to equate having with Being. I have, therefore, I am.

The ego's sense of self-worth is in most cases bound up with the worth you have in the eyes of others.

I am awareness that is aware that there is an attachment.

I don't have enough yet translates to I AM NOT enough yet.

I think therefore I am is the root of ego.

The consciousness that say, "I am" is no that consciousness that thinks."

I am – not what my consciousness has settled for.

If the shutters are closed, sunlight cannot come in.

Be still and know that you are.

Ego lives on identification and separation.

When you confuse the ego that you perceive in others with their identity, it is the work of your own ego that uses this misperception to strengthen itself through being right and therefore superior and through reacting with condemnation, indignation and often anger against the perceived enemy. Pg 73

The particular egoic patterns that you react to most strongly in others and misperceive as their identity tend to be the same patterns that are also in you, but that you are unable or unwilling to detect within yourself. In that sense, you have much to learn from you enemies. What is it in them that you find most upsetting, most disturbing? Their selfishness? Their greed? Their need for power and control? Their insincerity, dishonesty, propensity to violence, or whatever it may be? Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you. But it is no more than a form of ego, and as such, it is completely impersonal. It has nothing to do with who that person is, nor has it anything to do with who you are. Only if you mistake it for who you are can observing it within you be threatening to your sense of self. Pg 74

Whatever you fight you strengthen and what you resist persists. Pg 75

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Pg 96

See the link between what you are thinking and your emotions.

What to you is a mistake may be exactly what your children need to do or experience.

Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of ego.

One with Life. Being one with life is being one with Now.

Before you were the thoughts, emotions and reactions; now you are the awareness, the conscious Presence that witnesses those states.

Your entire personal history, which is ultimately no more than a story, a bundle of thoughts and emotions, becomes of secondary importance and no longer occupies the forefront of your consciousness.

The stronger the ego in you, the more likely it is that in your perception other people are the main source of problems in your life. Pg 119

The collective ego of tribes, nations, and religious organizations also frequently contains a strong element of paranoia: us against the evil others. It is the cause of much human suffering. Pg 120

The Zen they say: "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions." What does that mean? Let go of identification with your mind. Who you are beyond the mind then emerges by itself. Pg 121

Everything italicized comes from Tolle's Work. My own quote is un- italicized.

My Healthy Journey

I have had requests that I chronicle how my move toward a holistic and healthy life style is coming. So here is the latest information:

I found a local chiropractor who also does nutritional evaluations, supplement evaluations and massage therapy. I have visited her office and filled out a lengthy questionnaire about my overall health. I am not keeping a food, exercise, sun intake diary for her and will visit her again next week to plot out a course of action.

Additionally, I am looking at the energy intake, out-take and general energy flow in my life as a possible place where changes can be made. I have been watching the secret and made vision boards for various things I worry about. Additionally, I purchased the book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle which has already begun to change how I am thinking about my health.

I started a Grateful journal yesterday and realized I misspelled grateful for the first three pages. I spelled it GREATful. Then I mused about how that is true. If you are grateful then your life is GREAT-FULL, filled with things and ideas and interactions that are spiritually healing and moving. I have also started to journal again and will be looking at getting into an exercise routine as my body heals. Additionally, I am looking into getting into an energetic routine. It was suggested by the Chiropractor and is something I haven't decided upon; however, I am moving toward. I am also looking at my intake of electronic stimulous. How much time I am wasting with the television on and how much damage is being done to my energy by my constant bombardment with the negativity of society?

I am also trying to kill refined sugar. I am not being successful. On the 3^rd I had two cupcakes and on the 4^th I snuck a candy bar. I am drinking a super green drink daily though and have started putting processed foods out of my house. These things are going as well as can be expected. I am happy to report that I am down to drinking water and juice. Believe it or not – there is no soda in my house.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Mind, Body, Spirit

I have been unusually quiet the past few weeks (ok, more like the past month). I thought I would blog and reconnect with readers and those who seem to take an interest in what is going on in my world.

My body has revolted. In doing so my body has given up my appendix and gall bladder in the name of getting my attention. Typically I could bombard you with funny stories about the hospital or touching ones about the things my Family Coven learned during this time period (See Modern Witch Magazine Lughnasadh issue for more on this). I think, however, I would like to address something else that is prevalent among witches, Wiccans, Neo-Pagans and those who classify themselves as "Other" in the religious category.

My name is Lydia M. Crabtree and I have only bought into 50% of my power as a witch. I believe I have the power to banish harm from my Family Coven. I believe I can manifest things under certain circumstances. However, when it comes to things that really matter – my health – my finances – circumstances that I have deemed beyond my control – these things are beyond my power – they are 50% beyond my ability as a witch. My name is Lydia M. Crabtree and I am half a witch.

I have jokingly announced to close Family Coven members that my Spirit and Body got together and have officially over ruled my mind. They have decided that I deserved the pain of two surgeries in as many weeks and the continued uncomfortable aftermaths of messing with your bowel system. The truth is, it is no joke. Laying in a hospital bed recovering from yet another surgery where a surgeon has removed polluted body parts that no longer functioned, I had to wonder how a witch – who believes in the power of transmutation – who believed and knew The Secret before the video and book – got into this situation?

Then I got to thinking about the other things in my life that are at 50% currently. What is it that I lack that has caused these horrible gaps in my magic? I have identified a few that I am dealing with now; however, I suspect that this journey is one that is going to take longer than I would like. My first problem, is I have bought into some societal lies told to me to help support commercialism.

Holistic healers will tell you, sometimes you need to have a fever and NOT take medication to stop it. The fever, as uncomfortable as it is, is doing a job. I, however, have singlehandedly supported the Ibuprophen, Acedominephine drug companies in the name of a little less discomfort versus letting nature – the thing as a witch I am suppose to be tuned into – take its course. I can recall my Sword Sister calling me with a cold and tell me she was sweating out the virus with blankets and hot tea of some healing nature and being appalled at how much trouble she would go to when the drug companies have made it so easy for us. Looking back, I think my gall bladder might have preferred I took a more holistic approach.

The problem is, I have bought into this idea that there are things that are in the realms of magic and things that are out of the realms. Things that magic can control and change and things that magic cannot. I have bought into a societal lie that I am LIMITED. No wonder my body is confused. I step into circle and draw down the power of the Goddess into my temple – a temple I abuse regularly with processed foods, unnecessary drugs, and refined sugars – and wonder why the dichotomy cannot exist. Why complete holiness cannot be tolerated in a body, mind and spirit that is only 50% committed to the magic a Goddess can do.

Then I got to thinking about my marriage to my wonderful husband – Stone. When he and I mentally, spiritually and physically are in unison – the world stops and obeys, the universe turns and moves in the direction that we command. In our lives the portions of our lives that are completely out of balance are the ones we are not in harmony over. My husband has been trying to get me to take a more holistic and healthy approach to my body for years and for years, I have rejected his wisdom. Conversely, I have been trying to convince him that the universe will take care of every financial need we could conceive if he would only believe that the universe was infinite in it's ability to care for us. And for years, he has held on to the idea that we are financially limited and struggle and money are a fact of life we must bow to.

So this week I went to Stone and admitted I was wrong. I agreed to follow his lead when it came to holistic healing. He has found a wonderful healer to see and begin addressing his issues and I have agreed to give up refined sugar, soda and as much processed foods as possible. He is elated at this turn of events and challenged by me to begin to examine his views around money and bring them closer to my view that the universe wants us to live in wealth and we simply have to claim it to own it. I am convinced that once we are of one mind when it comes to health and wealth – we will finally own both.

These are hard habits to break, deeply engrained in my psyche and a part of the life that I am trying to shake off. I have also begun to see the mind spirit connection between illnesses and the spiritual issues I thought I had addressed. It is humbling to think that these issues are still there locked in the DNA of my body and kept there by a mind too stubborn to let go.

I firmly believe that I have become successfully with a 50% commitment to the magic I believe in. Now my challenge is to become devoted to 100% of the magic the universe has to offer me. My name is Lydia M. Crabtree and I am 100% magic…or at least working on it.

 

Back from StarFest & Appendix
 
StarFest was absolutely wonderful. Stone and Tree Bear both attended Michael Stanley's MySpace workshop on meditation and LOVED it. Iona, Lady Yannu and our friend Suz all spent time with Grandmother Elspeth of Haven. They took all of her classes and found her information to be life altering. You can learn more about Elspeth and her work by reading this article.
 
Stone and I made dream catchers with Swan and I had a really great time doing it!!! I think I might actually be able to make one on my own now. I got to spend a lot of time crocheting and simply being in the shade.
 
With the help of Lady Eurhythmy and Lord Peregrine from Glen Luna the main ritual was a smashing success. Where would we have been with out FireDrake's last minute stepping up to "save our bacon?" Not to mention the drummers, chanters (especially the little fairies who lead the way), the volunteers who helped served cakes and ale and smudgers?
 
Darien, Tree Bear, Iona, Lady Yannu, FireDrake, Lady Eurhythmy and Lord Peregrinedramatic performances made the ritual one of the best I have had the honor to participate in.
 
I ran into Sophia Gross - an old friend who seems happy. It was great to catch up with her, see her daughter and hear all the positive things happening in her life.
 
I began to get sick on Sunday afternoon right after my class Family Coven: An Introduction. I was honored to be worked on by a fabulous Reiki Master, Nancy Daniel. Michael Stanley also worked on me and so did Danae, all who had seen me and inquired about my health. I figured I was dehydrated from the heat and all the energy work I had done. So Monday morning, we got up and got everything together to get the heck out of dodge and back home. We stopped by Ryan's (Stone, Yannu, Tree Bear and I) on the way out and before I could even leave the restaurant I was throwing it up. I took some Dramamine and slept all the way home. I got home still feeling nauseated and having extreme abdominal pain. I tried to help the boys unpack; however, by about 7:30 PM we were on the way to the hospital.
 
I told Stone was pretty sure I had appendicitis. After being at the ER from around 7:30 PM until 2:30 AM, we were sent away with a diagnosis of "severe abdominal pain of unknown origin."
 
We all went home and fell into bed. Stone got up and went to work to make a meeting, turned around and came home to get my medication taken care of from the night before and found me still sleeping. I told him I was feeling better and got up to finish the unpacking. As I began to unpack the pain began to return. Then I got a call from the hospital.
 
On holiday's they have a general radiologist review films and then the next business day a specialist will review the films. After a specialist had reviewed the films and my history, they had diagnosed me with appendicitis. The nurse asked if I might come back to the ER immediately to speak with a surgeon.

Stone, Tree Bear and I packed it back up and went to hospital where we found ourselves in the weighting room all of five minutes. Within hours we were in the OR and I was without an appendices. I was later told that my appendix wouldn't have lasted much longer without a rupture and it was a very good timing to have had it removed.
 
I wanted to thank Georgie - who dropped everything and came over to adult baby sit me so Stone could return to work. I want to thank Tina who is coming to adult baby sit tomorrow and Iona and Suz who have agreed to come this weekend and help with cleaning, laundry and other things. Where would DSFC be this week without all of this hands ..?
 
Additionally, I want to thank Crystal Blanton, HPS for stepping up and temporarily taking over FWTI and DSFC while I recover from the several wounds and my illness. I would also like to thank the Board of Directors, DSFC, FWTI and Jonathan Ware for their continued vigilant healing energy.
 
I should be up and completely normal again in two weeks and am well on my way right now. I love you guys and had a great time at StarFest!