Week with Connla; Becky's Birthday is June 6th!?! No News is Good News; Home; On Death and Dying

Since the last time we checked in, I am here working away. Last week was crazy as Connla stayed home and got lots of my attention. We are working on his reading. We have found a new way to do this. I got the Harry Potter Goblet of Fire book from the library on tape. I am encouraging him to listen to it and follow along. He has been doing this and I find it to be a big help. I can tell in his day to day reading on signs and such that he is getting more confident. I am taking him to his DR to try to get a firm diagnosis. I am confident that when his brain catches up with itself, reading will not be an issue and he will love to do. We went swimming, played Pokemon (I won the last three way battle with Tony and Connla!), and watched shows about dinosaurs, the MythBusters and Dirty Jobs.

Having sent Sarah a birthday card by mistake, I got out my birthday calendar and realized that it was Becky whose birthday was this month. I had to call her and apologize for being selfish and missing her birthday. She is coming up for a Family Moon on Friday so I am going to make her a birthday cake. I sent her a card, better late than never right?

When it comes to writing I have completed a chapter on relationships. It is rough; however, I am proud about it because I did this in between time with Connla. It shows me I can work even when he is around. I re-read it to Tony and discovered it didn't totally suck. So that is good! This week is Southern Stories work.
I haven't received anything from any publishers. I take no news as good news right now. I continue to have dreams about getting contracts and advance money (which is certainly important). Last week when Tony was gone, it was really difficult to stay positive. Now that he is back and I have his attention to talk to him, I am feeling much better today. I am still sleeping a lot. I think I am just trying to get over the stomach virus I had last week. Connla got it and ran a fever for 24 hours and had mild stomach discomfort for 24 hours. Then it was like nothing happened to him, ahhh, the stamina of the young.

This past weekend, Dragonstone Family Coven celebrated Litha with the Nesters. We blessed their house with prayer and ritual. It was the most tolerant and religiously inclusive thing I have attended since I married the Jewish Pagan Goddess to her Christian Man in front of his father minister. There has been a shift between Sarah and I. She has become another piece of my soul restored. I feel like the house was now my home away from home. I also felt more connected to her husband, like the ritual had acted as a solidification of our relationships. I told Tony on the way home that if the four of us continued to do magic together there was nothing we couldn't make happen. Sarah told her man the same thing. The ritual itself acted as a catalyst to help center and focus me. I felt like my home had come home.

Speaking of homes, my mother called last week which accounts for why I was upset most of last week. It seems my father has finally gotten on some medication to help him better regulate his moods. My mother is so proud. Of course, I would have benefited most from this type of change 20 years ago. Although that annoyed me, it wasn't half as annoying as the conversation we had about death and dying. You may recall that I dreamed about my father dying and tried to warn my mother who blew me off. Well the subject came up again. I asked if dad had seen a doctor and had a simple x-ray of his lungs and he hadn't. My mother then launched into an exultation of a man who had brain cancer for three years and didn't tell anyone until he was almost dead. My mother admired him for keeping his pain to himself and not burdening his family.
I have to say I was mortified. When my brother called me to tell me he had tried working on my parents and failed, he summed up the attitude as "the ultimate in selfishness."

I have to agree. How dare people take away the chance of closure from their children, friends and family. So I asked me mom if this means that if she was dying she wouldn't tell us? She said, "Absolutely." Great. My mother is going to die the martyr and rob us of allowing her to leave this world with the business of this world completed.

This dying thing has come up a lot lately, as the theme of rejuvenation has. I really have been noticing the patterns in my life. I am amazed at how the same patterns seem to be shared by more than one person in my life. Of course the craft is about patterns, working with patterns and creating patterns.

I am looking forward to a Family Moon soon. The dark half has come and I am relieved. As Sarah said earlier today, "The Goddess has gotten wiser and the time for harvesting has come." Blessed Be!

Sarah at My Home, Tony Cries, Medium Readings, Dreams, Being Cassandra

This week has been interesting. I got my query letters off and spent some of the week running around with my boy. Then Sarah finally brought my two goddess daughters over (goddess daughter number 3 was with Grandma). The youngest had had a virus most of the week and that had prevented Sarah from coming earlier. Sarah ended up spending the night.

When Tony came home he a was greeted by two women and an enthusiastic two year old. Kahlan crawled into his lap and was hugging on him and loving on him. I was feeding the baby while Sarah was doing other mommy things. I looked over and noticed that Tony looked like had a migriane so I asked him if he did and could I get him something. He picked up Kahlan and turned away from me, then I realized he was crying. I am unsure if he was crying because he would love to have another child or if he was just overwhelmed by the affections of a little girl. It was all in all quite touching.

For dinner I made lasagna. I used a recipe I got from a book called Basic Cooking by Jennifer L. Newens and Sebastien Dickhaut (neither have a web presence at this time). It has you make a béchamel sauce, which is a white sauce with nutmeg and lemon zest. You use this sauce as an additional layer and it adds a unique flavor to the lasagna. While we ate, we watched the first half of The Two Towers. This is Sarah's favorite of the trilogies. Then Sarah and I exchanged readings. Sarah used a new divinatory system that I was gifted a while back called the Sacred Circle Stones. It is a fabulous little oracle and Sarah really enjoyed using them. I used my deck, The Witches Taro। I have had this deck for years now and it is well worn and loved. I don't think Sarah or I heard anything that was surprising to us. This can be the trouble of reading for a friend.

The next day Sarah and I went shopping at Wal-mart and then went for sushi at The Green Tea, my favorite Sushi restaurant in my home town. She dropped off Connla and I. We spent the afternoon playing Pokemon Diamond and Pearle. It was kind of fun. Connla won and wouldn't give me a re-match. However, I am going to get him next time! Connla hasn't worked on his website recently. Maybe we can rectify that next time he is home. For now, he has gone to be with his dad for ten days and his being gone will unfortunately coincide with Tony traveling to California on business.
After Connla left for his dad's, I made some phone calls and then at six, I called a man who was looking to connect with his recently departed sister। With his sister, I had one of the most powerful connections I have ever had. Maybe she is so recently gone that she isn't controlling how much information is getting dumped or maybe she was just such a powerful entity that it was overwhelming. I can not be sure; however, I know it was a profound reading. The man I did the reading for was very grateful and told me that I "put him at ease and peace." That is why I do readings in the first place. It was nice to know the reading had been successful. The connection I made with this spirit was really significant and I asked her if she would aid me at some other time and she agreed. She evidently knew she would cross the veil and then linger deliberately to help others. It is a choice she has made. After the reading she stayed around the house, happy, I think to have done her first good deed.

I was really buzzed after the reading and took hours to come down. Finally, I crawled into the bed and had a series of dreams that were all the same.

I am in church with my mother. Everyone is talking about how cold it is, really cold, unusually cold. My mother seems happy that is cold and is talking about making a fire. In one of the dreams, we are looking at the chimney and it is clogged up with soot. I tell her that I am sure Dad would have one of those Chimney Sweep Logs and that we should use that first, before we start any other fires. I realize however, that a fire as already started in the fireplace and I start trying to clear the clogs. My mother joins me and we frantically try to clear the clogs; however, we are not successful and I wake up.

In other versions of this dream, I am in church and then my mother and I leave. I remember thinking how odd the sermon was and then I realize my father isn't there. I ask my mother where he is and she says he is at Mr. Camel's house. Sometimes, she would spell his name for me, Clamal, which is not how you spell camel. She would grow more and more frantic asking me what the number of Clamal or Camel was. I kept asking her why she thought I knew. I would wake up after my mother had grown so frantic that she is screaming at me. When I fell back asleep the dream would start again.

Finally, I took my attention off of my mother, in my dream state, determined to end this bizarre dream cycle I found myself in. I started looking around the room. I noticed a picture on the wall that looked like old art. It had camels in it. I got closer and closer and saw the camel had some kind of riding bridle on it and it had the world CAMEL across it. The picture seems familiar to me, like I had seen it before. I studied it and got closer and closer trying to remember why the picture looked familiar. Suddenly, in my dream I knew what Camel's number was and woke up.

I got dressed and then walked in the great room of our house where you can literally see the kitchen, dinning room and living room all from being in any of these areas. Tony was doing his breakfast dishes.

I announced, "My father is dying of lung cancer." Tony sat with me and asked me what I dreamed. I relayed the dream to him and then asked if I should bother telling my mother or not. We both decided that telling her would alleviate any regrets I may have later for not telling her. I would never even dream of telling my father, for reasons of my own.

Before I even had breakfast, I had called my mom. I told her about my dream and that I had just recently had a serious encounter with the other side. She gave me her I am extremely uncomfortable with you now and am going to get off the phone as quickly as possible response. I get this response all the time, especially when she calls me and asks me what I am doing and I say, "I am at a gathering" or "I am working on my book." Then she asks, "What's a gathering?" or "What book are you working on?" and I say, "A gathering is where pagans get together to learn, worship and fellowship" or "Mom, my book is about family's and spirituality - you know my witch book." Then she pauses and gets that fake cheery voice that tells me her incredible powers of denial have kicked in and says, "I have to go the library (store, cook dinner, get my hair done) now. I love you. Ba-bye!" The line goes dead and I know I have lost her.

Usually, I understand that I am delving into spirituality in ways that my mother doesn't want to know about. I know that she was raise in a Southern Baptist environment in the heart of the Deep South and that she went to Tennessee Temple University in Chattanooga, TN। I understand that I have been bold in my life where she has chosen a safer route. I know from my grandmother that the etheric and all the possibilities it unleashes scare her. I will always remember her saying to me, "When you have these dreams, these visions, these feelings, don't tell your mother. She is afraid. Don't you be afraid, just keep them in you heart like Mary. The Bible says, "But Mary kept all of these things, and pondered them in her heart." (King James Version, Luke 2:19)

"You keep them in your heart, you ponder them," she would tell me.

She went on to tell me to ponder things for a long time and that there would be a time when I wouldn't have to hid my pondering and could share it. Not everyone was like her and I and not everyone approved of such things, especially in the church.

Living in this world of magic and intuition. I am surrounded by people who love me and support my gifts. Tony, Connla, Sarah, Crystal, Cam, Becky, my entire Family Coven, FWTI and new people I meet, like the man I mediumed for just yesterday. Their love and support keep me from insanity. It hasn't always been like this.

I once went to a gathering of elders and fell into reading for them. Finally, one elder watched me read for someone else (with the querent's permission). When the reading was over, the elder crossed her arms and stared at me. Finally, she pointed at me and said, "You are...are...are a psychic!" I looked up at her and said, "Yes, isn't everyone here?" indicating the elders who were gathering around us, the witches, Wiccans and neo-pagans. She said, "No, you don't understand, you really are. I don't want anything to do with you now." With that she left the room, and relations between us were strained ever after. She was afraid, just as afraid as my own mother continues to be.

So here I am, years later, in a much better place and my mother is dismissing me and everything I have to tell her. I got to thinking about Cassandra in Greek mythology who was doomed to be a great prophetess no one ever believed. I had someone once call me Cassandra and even accuse that I must have been Cassandra in a past life. I don't know about all that; however, I can say that the gifts of my family line have been challenging. It then occurs to me that I have named my cats Morgana in honor of The Morrigan and Cassandra. One cat representing the ease in which The Morrigan walks between this world and the next and the other representing the lack of belief others have in the truly gifted. I had never even thought of this before.

Today, I sat with the phone in my hand and decided, I had to be bold again and recruit the one person my mother might listen to, my brother Dean.

I called Dean and we small talked about his boy Logan and his wife's current pregnancy, then I launched in my explanation for the call and asked him to work on my parents for me. Dean surprised me today. During my conversation, I worked in the word "pagan" and even talked freely about mother and I debating theology. I told him I wasn't credible because I had left the church. He mentioned our other sister, whom I haven't spoken to in years. What I got from Dean today was acceptance. He agreed with me that my dream was significant and he wasn't surprised at it's foretelling. I was elated and uplifted. I also knew, I had done all that I could.

Tony and I worked on the Jeep today which has some minor issues. We were test driving it after he had worked on it and talking more about the unusual dream and what connection it might have with the women I spoke with last night. I got that prickle as I asked the question, the one that tells me to pursue it, I am on to something. Tony and I switch who was driving and I called the querent from yesterday. I asked him if his sister had died of lung cancer and he said that his mother had, sort of. Both his mother and sister had died in March, years apart. They both had died of cancer. His mother's started in the colon and liver and traveled to the lungs. His sister's cancer had started in the liver and colon too. Both had discovered the cancer and quickly died, within six weeks of diagnosis.

I hung up and frantically called my brother back. I relayed the information to him. We were both shaken up. My mother has had liver issues for years and March is less than one year away. He assured me he would urge them both to get check ups. One thing I know is that Dean will hound my parents until they give in and he typically gets his way.

While I was writing this journal, I ran a search on clamal and clemal. Clamal Cell is a product that I got one random hit on. I have written the website to discover what dis-ease it is used to treat in some hopes that might be a further clue. I got no hits on clemal. I am also struck by the similarity to cell mal or bad cells. Cancer cells are certainly mal, very very mal. If anyone else has some suggestions about what clemal or clamal might mean, please post a comment! I would love to hear from you.

I have to send a blessed thank you to Joy, the sister I communicated with last night. I do think Joy stayed around my home and I do think she is responsible for the information I have received. I remember distinctly that she kept pointing to her back and saying that she had wings, despite the fact that I could not see them. In this case however, she was an angel who helped others. I hope this good deed is what earns her wings for her. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets her wings.

Starfest, Emerald Rose, Kathryn Hinds, Naked Pagans, Gossip, Sarah is in GA

Well, I am back from a very interesting gathering.

The gathering was fantastic as always. There was a great concert by Emerald Rose. Cam and I had fun dancing to our favorite song, Pagan Girl. We attended some great workshops about Stress Management, Metaphysic, Science and Paganism and beading. I had a really great time and enjoyed myself immensely. The main ritual was the bomb! We did a spiral dance and I really enjoyed sharing ritual with Tony, Ben and Becky. I can't wait to unwind again at that sacred place.

While at the gathering I ran into Kathryn Hinds who is an author who gave me all sorts of advice about publishing and some potential contacts to query. She is a great lady and author. I really appreciate her time and attention. Thanks Kathryn!

The other issue that came up during this gathering was skycladness. This gathering tends to attract very conservative people. The gathering itself is clothing option। However, I can count on one hand the number of times I have witnessed people topless or completely nude. Typically this is in the shower house, in the lake swimming or in the sweat lodge. (For the record, my son Connla was not with me this gathering and has not been in the past!). I ended up in a discussion about nakedness at gatherings and how I felt about it. My husband has been around naked pagans in the past usually around the drum circle or in sacred space. This weekend he ended up being asked to eat lunch with a beautiful naked women and it brought up some issues.

That got me to thinking...how much of pagans being naked is for shock value, power over others and attention getting and how much of being naked is for actual spiritual purposes? I am seriously struggling with this issue. On the one hand I completely agree that being naked is natural and a part of some peoples' spiritual path. They see being unclothed as a communion with Deity. On the other hand sometimes I met women and men who disrobe as a matter of shock value or an attempt to get attention or an attempt to have power over the opposite sex. It almost seems like they are saying, "Hey, look at me!!!"

I had hoped to discuss this issue at length and have my perspective heard। Unfortunately, I was disturbed by the violent reaction I got to the discussion. It is almost like if a pagan enjoys getting naked no one better even comment. I was actually told if you couldn't handled looking at naked bodies, then you weren't a pagan!

Tony likened it to smoking. He doesn't smoke and when he is in the presence of smokers he feels like he is forced to smoke. Tony happens to prefer to not see naked people when he is trying to be spiritual. It isn't a judgment on the activity just his personal preference. However, if he suggests this he is labeled a male chauvinist pig who isn't really a good pagan! Doesn't this smack of dogma? Where is the tolerance for other people's spiritual path and where is the compassion in helping others continue to shed the confines of this physical world to obtain spiritual enlightenment? It has made for some serious discussion and certainly caused me to pause and think things over. I am serious, could I please hear from you guys what your opinions are on this issue? Let's not shout and personally attack here, I am just seeking some information and other perspective.

On a completely different note, I ran into someone this gathering asking about gossip they had heard about Tony and I. Evidently Tony and I are accused of having a polyamorous relationship with a man and then dumping him to become monogamous - this is NOT true. Further I am accused of having energy that is anti-God or anti-male energy. This is also not true. I have always been a champion of the God having an equal place with the Goddess and have even done some very specific rituals meant to honor the God above the Goddess during the Sabbat celebrations. I have references if you want them. I have also been accused of prostilitizing. Again, this is not true. I feel I have started something that now has a board and life of its own. I am only someone who gives input into it. I do not think any of our members are trying to convert anyone to witchcraft. Further FWTI does not have a dogma of practice so there is no conversion necessary on that score.

The most disturbing gossip involved a man who was NOT and has NEVER been my High Priest claiming that he was. If you hear about this, please contact me to verify the validity of this claim. I will not tolerate someone taking credit for the work my High Priest did with me. I am no longer his student; however, all teachers deserve respect and no teacher deserves to have lies spread about the relationship they may or may not have had with their student. Do not believe the validity of any reported High Priests to myself or my husband without speaking with us please.

This entire weekend was about community. Dealing with those who have different perspectives. Learning to have compassion and tolerance and learning to leave room for others to spiritually evolve, even if they are doing it at a slower pace than others. It was about reputation and knowing that people are going to talk. The best we can hope for is to carry ourselves with as much dignity and respect as possible. We also have to have compassion and understanding for those who feel so isolated and lack a love of self that being angry and gossiping about others is the only thing they know to do. It was a long and enlightening weekend that ended with me going home to Sarah.

Sarah had moved from FL to GA and Tony and I went to help build furniture from kits, clean the house, unpack boxes, wrangle our Goddess Children and in general do whatever we could. I had to leave and tend my own Family Coven; however, I hope I left her better than when I had arrived. I am glad she is home.

Special shout out to my new Sister Witch Cam. You have become an unexpected reward to my personal spiritual journey. Much love and affection!