Sarah at My Home, Tony Cries, Medium Readings, Dreams, Being Cassandra

This week has been interesting. I got my query letters off and spent some of the week running around with my boy. Then Sarah finally brought my two goddess daughters over (goddess daughter number 3 was with Grandma). The youngest had had a virus most of the week and that had prevented Sarah from coming earlier. Sarah ended up spending the night.

When Tony came home he a was greeted by two women and an enthusiastic two year old. Kahlan crawled into his lap and was hugging on him and loving on him. I was feeding the baby while Sarah was doing other mommy things. I looked over and noticed that Tony looked like had a migriane so I asked him if he did and could I get him something. He picked up Kahlan and turned away from me, then I realized he was crying. I am unsure if he was crying because he would love to have another child or if he was just overwhelmed by the affections of a little girl. It was all in all quite touching.

For dinner I made lasagna. I used a recipe I got from a book called Basic Cooking by Jennifer L. Newens and Sebastien Dickhaut (neither have a web presence at this time). It has you make a béchamel sauce, which is a white sauce with nutmeg and lemon zest. You use this sauce as an additional layer and it adds a unique flavor to the lasagna. While we ate, we watched the first half of The Two Towers. This is Sarah's favorite of the trilogies. Then Sarah and I exchanged readings. Sarah used a new divinatory system that I was gifted a while back called the Sacred Circle Stones. It is a fabulous little oracle and Sarah really enjoyed using them. I used my deck, The Witches Taro। I have had this deck for years now and it is well worn and loved. I don't think Sarah or I heard anything that was surprising to us. This can be the trouble of reading for a friend.

The next day Sarah and I went shopping at Wal-mart and then went for sushi at The Green Tea, my favorite Sushi restaurant in my home town. She dropped off Connla and I. We spent the afternoon playing Pokemon Diamond and Pearle. It was kind of fun. Connla won and wouldn't give me a re-match. However, I am going to get him next time! Connla hasn't worked on his website recently. Maybe we can rectify that next time he is home. For now, he has gone to be with his dad for ten days and his being gone will unfortunately coincide with Tony traveling to California on business.
After Connla left for his dad's, I made some phone calls and then at six, I called a man who was looking to connect with his recently departed sister। With his sister, I had one of the most powerful connections I have ever had. Maybe she is so recently gone that she isn't controlling how much information is getting dumped or maybe she was just such a powerful entity that it was overwhelming. I can not be sure; however, I know it was a profound reading. The man I did the reading for was very grateful and told me that I "put him at ease and peace." That is why I do readings in the first place. It was nice to know the reading had been successful. The connection I made with this spirit was really significant and I asked her if she would aid me at some other time and she agreed. She evidently knew she would cross the veil and then linger deliberately to help others. It is a choice she has made. After the reading she stayed around the house, happy, I think to have done her first good deed.

I was really buzzed after the reading and took hours to come down. Finally, I crawled into the bed and had a series of dreams that were all the same.

I am in church with my mother. Everyone is talking about how cold it is, really cold, unusually cold. My mother seems happy that is cold and is talking about making a fire. In one of the dreams, we are looking at the chimney and it is clogged up with soot. I tell her that I am sure Dad would have one of those Chimney Sweep Logs and that we should use that first, before we start any other fires. I realize however, that a fire as already started in the fireplace and I start trying to clear the clogs. My mother joins me and we frantically try to clear the clogs; however, we are not successful and I wake up.

In other versions of this dream, I am in church and then my mother and I leave. I remember thinking how odd the sermon was and then I realize my father isn't there. I ask my mother where he is and she says he is at Mr. Camel's house. Sometimes, she would spell his name for me, Clamal, which is not how you spell camel. She would grow more and more frantic asking me what the number of Clamal or Camel was. I kept asking her why she thought I knew. I would wake up after my mother had grown so frantic that she is screaming at me. When I fell back asleep the dream would start again.

Finally, I took my attention off of my mother, in my dream state, determined to end this bizarre dream cycle I found myself in. I started looking around the room. I noticed a picture on the wall that looked like old art. It had camels in it. I got closer and closer and saw the camel had some kind of riding bridle on it and it had the world CAMEL across it. The picture seems familiar to me, like I had seen it before. I studied it and got closer and closer trying to remember why the picture looked familiar. Suddenly, in my dream I knew what Camel's number was and woke up.

I got dressed and then walked in the great room of our house where you can literally see the kitchen, dinning room and living room all from being in any of these areas. Tony was doing his breakfast dishes.

I announced, "My father is dying of lung cancer." Tony sat with me and asked me what I dreamed. I relayed the dream to him and then asked if I should bother telling my mother or not. We both decided that telling her would alleviate any regrets I may have later for not telling her. I would never even dream of telling my father, for reasons of my own.

Before I even had breakfast, I had called my mom. I told her about my dream and that I had just recently had a serious encounter with the other side. She gave me her I am extremely uncomfortable with you now and am going to get off the phone as quickly as possible response. I get this response all the time, especially when she calls me and asks me what I am doing and I say, "I am at a gathering" or "I am working on my book." Then she asks, "What's a gathering?" or "What book are you working on?" and I say, "A gathering is where pagans get together to learn, worship and fellowship" or "Mom, my book is about family's and spirituality - you know my witch book." Then she pauses and gets that fake cheery voice that tells me her incredible powers of denial have kicked in and says, "I have to go the library (store, cook dinner, get my hair done) now. I love you. Ba-bye!" The line goes dead and I know I have lost her.

Usually, I understand that I am delving into spirituality in ways that my mother doesn't want to know about. I know that she was raise in a Southern Baptist environment in the heart of the Deep South and that she went to Tennessee Temple University in Chattanooga, TN। I understand that I have been bold in my life where she has chosen a safer route. I know from my grandmother that the etheric and all the possibilities it unleashes scare her. I will always remember her saying to me, "When you have these dreams, these visions, these feelings, don't tell your mother. She is afraid. Don't you be afraid, just keep them in you heart like Mary. The Bible says, "But Mary kept all of these things, and pondered them in her heart." (King James Version, Luke 2:19)

"You keep them in your heart, you ponder them," she would tell me.

She went on to tell me to ponder things for a long time and that there would be a time when I wouldn't have to hid my pondering and could share it. Not everyone was like her and I and not everyone approved of such things, especially in the church.

Living in this world of magic and intuition. I am surrounded by people who love me and support my gifts. Tony, Connla, Sarah, Crystal, Cam, Becky, my entire Family Coven, FWTI and new people I meet, like the man I mediumed for just yesterday. Their love and support keep me from insanity. It hasn't always been like this.

I once went to a gathering of elders and fell into reading for them. Finally, one elder watched me read for someone else (with the querent's permission). When the reading was over, the elder crossed her arms and stared at me. Finally, she pointed at me and said, "You are...are...are a psychic!" I looked up at her and said, "Yes, isn't everyone here?" indicating the elders who were gathering around us, the witches, Wiccans and neo-pagans. She said, "No, you don't understand, you really are. I don't want anything to do with you now." With that she left the room, and relations between us were strained ever after. She was afraid, just as afraid as my own mother continues to be.

So here I am, years later, in a much better place and my mother is dismissing me and everything I have to tell her. I got to thinking about Cassandra in Greek mythology who was doomed to be a great prophetess no one ever believed. I had someone once call me Cassandra and even accuse that I must have been Cassandra in a past life. I don't know about all that; however, I can say that the gifts of my family line have been challenging. It then occurs to me that I have named my cats Morgana in honor of The Morrigan and Cassandra. One cat representing the ease in which The Morrigan walks between this world and the next and the other representing the lack of belief others have in the truly gifted. I had never even thought of this before.

Today, I sat with the phone in my hand and decided, I had to be bold again and recruit the one person my mother might listen to, my brother Dean.

I called Dean and we small talked about his boy Logan and his wife's current pregnancy, then I launched in my explanation for the call and asked him to work on my parents for me. Dean surprised me today. During my conversation, I worked in the word "pagan" and even talked freely about mother and I debating theology. I told him I wasn't credible because I had left the church. He mentioned our other sister, whom I haven't spoken to in years. What I got from Dean today was acceptance. He agreed with me that my dream was significant and he wasn't surprised at it's foretelling. I was elated and uplifted. I also knew, I had done all that I could.

Tony and I worked on the Jeep today which has some minor issues. We were test driving it after he had worked on it and talking more about the unusual dream and what connection it might have with the women I spoke with last night. I got that prickle as I asked the question, the one that tells me to pursue it, I am on to something. Tony and I switch who was driving and I called the querent from yesterday. I asked him if his sister had died of lung cancer and he said that his mother had, sort of. Both his mother and sister had died in March, years apart. They both had died of cancer. His mother's started in the colon and liver and traveled to the lungs. His sister's cancer had started in the liver and colon too. Both had discovered the cancer and quickly died, within six weeks of diagnosis.

I hung up and frantically called my brother back. I relayed the information to him. We were both shaken up. My mother has had liver issues for years and March is less than one year away. He assured me he would urge them both to get check ups. One thing I know is that Dean will hound my parents until they give in and he typically gets his way.

While I was writing this journal, I ran a search on clamal and clemal. Clamal Cell is a product that I got one random hit on. I have written the website to discover what dis-ease it is used to treat in some hopes that might be a further clue. I got no hits on clemal. I am also struck by the similarity to cell mal or bad cells. Cancer cells are certainly mal, very very mal. If anyone else has some suggestions about what clemal or clamal might mean, please post a comment! I would love to hear from you.

I have to send a blessed thank you to Joy, the sister I communicated with last night. I do think Joy stayed around my home and I do think she is responsible for the information I have received. I remember distinctly that she kept pointing to her back and saying that she had wings, despite the fact that I could not see them. In this case however, she was an angel who helped others. I hope this good deed is what earns her wings for her. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets her wings.

Query Letters

I did it. I sent query letters to five publishing houses and my information to Tom Morris. Tom has agreed to look over my proposal and ideas and offer his insight. I could not be more grateful.

I did it.

Sarah is in GA, Cub Scouts, Boys Coming of Age, Query Letters and a Writers' Identity

Sarah is in GA and was scheduled to make her first visit to my home when she was derailed by sick children and a broken washing machine. That turned out fine simply because I ended up taking Connla to the library and then am back home to work.

I have spent the morning setting up a LIVE Journal A lot of my friends from Starfest evidently LJ and use it as a source of communication. Kathryn Hinds suggested I get one too. I feel like I need another journal like I need a hole in my head. I Blogger, 360, MySpace and now I LJ. Jeez. I hope all these shameless self promotion pays off in the long run. I keep telling people I have entered the phase of "selling myself" in my quest for a book deal.

My Connla is a Weebelo and my days are number। This is the transition between Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. The Boy Scouts rely less and less on women input, which I think is good and right. Boys need GOOD men to raise them to be the same. However, it was sad to see him cross over from Bear to Weebelo and know that in two years my role goes from active support to a more passive support. Suddenly, I am looking at him and thinking about Coming of Age rituals and passing him from boyhood to manhood. I so cherish his love and devotion and I worry about loosing that. His unfettered desire to shower love on me. How else can a woman get that except through the love of a son?

This week is suppose to be about Query Letters. These letters you send to publishers and agents when you are peddling your latest manuscript. I got stumped when everything I read told me to keep the query letter from sounding like the Book Proposal. I have been marinating on the problem for the past day or so and am about to tackle the problem. This query letter thing is a bit scary and makes the process real. If you risk nothing, then you gain nothing. However, if you risk nothing you don't get rejection letters either.

I think my hesitancy is bolstered by the idea of my identity as a writer। I want to be known as an author. I do not want to be known as a "fiction author" or a "non-fiction author" or a "Neo-Pagan author." It doesn't help that some people who know me seem to think my talents are best spent in fiction. Of course, none of them have bothered to read my non-fiction works, which in and of itself is discouraging.

Well, that is all I am inspired to write for now. Until next time, risk everything!