Week with Connla; Becky's Birthday is June 6th!?! No News is Good News; Home; On Death and Dying

Since the last time we checked in, I am here working away. Last week was crazy as Connla stayed home and got lots of my attention. We are working on his reading. We have found a new way to do this. I got the Harry Potter Goblet of Fire book from the library on tape. I am encouraging him to listen to it and follow along. He has been doing this and I find it to be a big help. I can tell in his day to day reading on signs and such that he is getting more confident. I am taking him to his DR to try to get a firm diagnosis. I am confident that when his brain catches up with itself, reading will not be an issue and he will love to do. We went swimming, played Pokemon (I won the last three way battle with Tony and Connla!), and watched shows about dinosaurs, the MythBusters and Dirty Jobs.

Having sent Sarah a birthday card by mistake, I got out my birthday calendar and realized that it was Becky whose birthday was this month. I had to call her and apologize for being selfish and missing her birthday. She is coming up for a Family Moon on Friday so I am going to make her a birthday cake. I sent her a card, better late than never right?

When it comes to writing I have completed a chapter on relationships. It is rough; however, I am proud about it because I did this in between time with Connla. It shows me I can work even when he is around. I re-read it to Tony and discovered it didn't totally suck. So that is good! This week is Southern Stories work.
I haven't received anything from any publishers. I take no news as good news right now. I continue to have dreams about getting contracts and advance money (which is certainly important). Last week when Tony was gone, it was really difficult to stay positive. Now that he is back and I have his attention to talk to him, I am feeling much better today. I am still sleeping a lot. I think I am just trying to get over the stomach virus I had last week. Connla got it and ran a fever for 24 hours and had mild stomach discomfort for 24 hours. Then it was like nothing happened to him, ahhh, the stamina of the young.

This past weekend, Dragonstone Family Coven celebrated Litha with the Nesters. We blessed their house with prayer and ritual. It was the most tolerant and religiously inclusive thing I have attended since I married the Jewish Pagan Goddess to her Christian Man in front of his father minister. There has been a shift between Sarah and I. She has become another piece of my soul restored. I feel like the house was now my home away from home. I also felt more connected to her husband, like the ritual had acted as a solidification of our relationships. I told Tony on the way home that if the four of us continued to do magic together there was nothing we couldn't make happen. Sarah told her man the same thing. The ritual itself acted as a catalyst to help center and focus me. I felt like my home had come home.

Speaking of homes, my mother called last week which accounts for why I was upset most of last week. It seems my father has finally gotten on some medication to help him better regulate his moods. My mother is so proud. Of course, I would have benefited most from this type of change 20 years ago. Although that annoyed me, it wasn't half as annoying as the conversation we had about death and dying. You may recall that I dreamed about my father dying and tried to warn my mother who blew me off. Well the subject came up again. I asked if dad had seen a doctor and had a simple x-ray of his lungs and he hadn't. My mother then launched into an exultation of a man who had brain cancer for three years and didn't tell anyone until he was almost dead. My mother admired him for keeping his pain to himself and not burdening his family.
I have to say I was mortified. When my brother called me to tell me he had tried working on my parents and failed, he summed up the attitude as "the ultimate in selfishness."

I have to agree. How dare people take away the chance of closure from their children, friends and family. So I asked me mom if this means that if she was dying she wouldn't tell us? She said, "Absolutely." Great. My mother is going to die the martyr and rob us of allowing her to leave this world with the business of this world completed.

This dying thing has come up a lot lately, as the theme of rejuvenation has. I really have been noticing the patterns in my life. I am amazed at how the same patterns seem to be shared by more than one person in my life. Of course the craft is about patterns, working with patterns and creating patterns.

I am looking forward to a Family Moon soon. The dark half has come and I am relieved. As Sarah said earlier today, "The Goddess has gotten wiser and the time for harvesting has come." Blessed Be!

First Request for a Proposal, Connla is Home! Library Fines

Writing news first: I got a request for a proposal. I saw my own SASE come back and was standing with Connla and said, "Oh look, I got rejected again, I wonder from who?"

"Don't do that Mom," Connla immediately replied, "How do you know you go rejected? You don't know that."

I began to tear open the envelope as I explained to Connla that I was getting my own SASE back and didn't imagine they would do that if they wanted something from me. About that time I turned over my own reply card and saw:

XX Please send the proposal

It took me a minute to take it in.

Connla read it and said, "Told you so." He really is too smart for my good.

There is also a hand written note on the card; however, I cannot make it out. I think they are talking about what type of genre they desire to publish and are not interested in wasting my time. This is why this request is so great. I thoroughly expected them to reject me out right just like I expected Inner Traditions International/Bear & Co to. I am not sure if I am going to send the proposal. I started counting the results of my query letters:

Inner Traditions International/Bear & Co Rejected the letter with a recommendation of another publishing house to try.

Prometheus Books Requested a proposal

Big Named Publisher - Had it's letter returned to me because of inadequate address on label.

Magical Creature Publisher - Has not responded yet. I liked their site and the vibe I got off of them. I really hope they respond favorably.

Eat Alot of Candy Publisher - Has not responded yet. Recommended to me by Kathryn Hinds. Obviously I have changed the names of houses I have yet to hear from.

This is pretty good, right? I mean the two publishers I thought would dump me really didn't just dump me. One recommended a better house and one asked for a flipping proposal! That is really good odds going for me. Surely one of the other two who have the query letter and are really in my genre are going to seriously consider me.

I am going to look over the proposal again and I am think I am going to add some information from my web sites. I am going to work on that today.

Yesterday, I also got a great thank you note from the women I sent the booties and hat to. She loved them.

Connla came home last Sunday, thank the Goddess and God! I spent yesterday giving him my undivided attention. I played him at Pokemon and won. YEA! Now we are even, one game to one. We went swimming, to the library and read for over an hour. He has grown and his head is now several inches taller than my shoulder. Think about this a minute. He is nine and his head is several inches taller than my shoulder. People I am 5'6''. This means that my child is probably going to be taller than I am BEFORE he is ten. Scary - really, how can my boy be my little boy when he is taller than me? *Sigh*

I think my library has it out for me. I have nearly $10 in fines and according to my date book, my books aren't even due until the 22nd. I think they are mad because I told them I paid fines and had to bring in a check to prove it. Irritating to say the least. I always seem to owe this library. Next time I get books, I am going to do it different and see if that doesn't change how things come out. I am also going to start keeping my receipts. If they are ripping me off, next time I am going to be able to prove it.

Sleep, Rest, Recuperate - Where is everyone?

I slept almost 11 hours last night. I got two more squares done on a crochet project I am doing for Sarah for her birthday, which is next week and for Yule. The project is big enough to count twice! I didn't field any phone calls after 9:30 and this seemed to help me sleep at a decent hour.

This morning I was able to get up and go for my walk, a little further than yesterday. I came home and water plants, swept and mopped all the floors in the house, started the dishwasher and the washing machine. I also cleaned the cat liter and the hamster cage - they were beginning to smell up the house.

I meet the new neighbors this morning. They are Hispanic. I really wish I had better Spanish skills. I gave them some of my fresh tomatoes that I harvested this morning. The language barrier was huge.

All of the activity from this morning is catching up with me. I have decided to not work again until Monday and to really take it easy (don't say anything about everything I did this morning!).
At least I am not so tired that I am depressed. Now it is just a minor nuisance.

I keep posting and hoping someone will also post or comment. Where are you guys?

Tony has been gone 3 days.

REJECTED!

I am officially a writer. I have received my first rejection. Tony was amazed at how much the rejection lifted my spirits. Truth is, this rejection is from a publishing house I expected to be rejected by. I received it in my SASE and got my own card back, as well as, their standard rejection card.

BUT

On the back of their standard card, the editor who rejected me suggested another publishing company to try. Now it is those types of rejections I don't mind. I knew this company was a bit outside the genre I sent them. I love the company though and take their catalog regularly. Check out their on line catalog at Inner Traditions International/Bear & Co.

I feel like this is a good sign. My query letter must be pretty good or I would have just gotten rejected. Obviously I demonstrated some talent or the editor wouldn't have suggested another publishing house. Over all, this is a great sign on this the first day of Mercury going retrograde.

Another interesting development is that I got back a letter I had sent out to a very large and established publishing company in my genre. I had pinned a lot of my hopes on this company; however, now I am thinking I should try the company the Inner Traditions editor suggested and hold off sending something to this other company. I have decided to marinate on it for a bit and do a little bit of nothing.

I took a 20 minute walk today and did some laps in the pool. I also ate a healthy lunch (healthier than I had been eating) and have been drinking water in large quantities. I am determined to keep my weight where it is. I also have been doing shots of goldenseal which is really, really nasty for the record. I think, however, the goldenseal was helpful.

Tony has been gone now for two days.

Tony Leaving, Crochet and Waiting

Yesterday, while my body fought off infection again, I crocheted. I finished a gift for my son's teacher from last year. When the year ended she was pregnant - very pregnant. I made her booties and a hat. The hat had this COOL flower at the crown that you attached the rest of your crochet to. It is fabulous actually. I really like how they turned out.

Tony said only I would 'rest' and complete two projects in one day. I got the bootie pattern from Crochet a Day. My friend, Penne, gave me the box when I was very ill last year. The hat came from a magazine I picked up yesterday while out at Hobby Lobby who is currently discounting some of it's yarn. The magazine was CROCHET! This same magazine has some tops I want to make BAD. I would love to have them to wear to the next gathering in August. We'll see.

Today I have to pack up Tony for his trip. I am going to miss him. I also have to run some errands and make sure he had everything he needs. He is back on location with another client and I don't expect him until LATE tonight. Tomorrow he travels.

I am feeling better over all. I hope it lasts until I can pick up the house and get Tony started with his packing.

I am waiting for a reply from some publisher and have still heard nothing. I am beginning to think no one got something. Is ent little post cards so they could mail me back and tell me that they at least didn't think they could help me. Well, everything in it's time and season.

Sarah at My Home, Tony Cries, Medium Readings, Dreams, Being Cassandra

This week has been interesting. I got my query letters off and spent some of the week running around with my boy. Then Sarah finally brought my two goddess daughters over (goddess daughter number 3 was with Grandma). The youngest had had a virus most of the week and that had prevented Sarah from coming earlier. Sarah ended up spending the night.

When Tony came home he a was greeted by two women and an enthusiastic two year old. Kahlan crawled into his lap and was hugging on him and loving on him. I was feeding the baby while Sarah was doing other mommy things. I looked over and noticed that Tony looked like had a migriane so I asked him if he did and could I get him something. He picked up Kahlan and turned away from me, then I realized he was crying. I am unsure if he was crying because he would love to have another child or if he was just overwhelmed by the affections of a little girl. It was all in all quite touching.

For dinner I made lasagna. I used a recipe I got from a book called Basic Cooking by Jennifer L. Newens and Sebastien Dickhaut (neither have a web presence at this time). It has you make a béchamel sauce, which is a white sauce with nutmeg and lemon zest. You use this sauce as an additional layer and it adds a unique flavor to the lasagna. While we ate, we watched the first half of The Two Towers. This is Sarah's favorite of the trilogies. Then Sarah and I exchanged readings. Sarah used a new divinatory system that I was gifted a while back called the Sacred Circle Stones. It is a fabulous little oracle and Sarah really enjoyed using them. I used my deck, The Witches Taro। I have had this deck for years now and it is well worn and loved. I don't think Sarah or I heard anything that was surprising to us. This can be the trouble of reading for a friend.

The next day Sarah and I went shopping at Wal-mart and then went for sushi at The Green Tea, my favorite Sushi restaurant in my home town. She dropped off Connla and I. We spent the afternoon playing Pokemon Diamond and Pearle. It was kind of fun. Connla won and wouldn't give me a re-match. However, I am going to get him next time! Connla hasn't worked on his website recently. Maybe we can rectify that next time he is home. For now, he has gone to be with his dad for ten days and his being gone will unfortunately coincide with Tony traveling to California on business.
After Connla left for his dad's, I made some phone calls and then at six, I called a man who was looking to connect with his recently departed sister। With his sister, I had one of the most powerful connections I have ever had. Maybe she is so recently gone that she isn't controlling how much information is getting dumped or maybe she was just such a powerful entity that it was overwhelming. I can not be sure; however, I know it was a profound reading. The man I did the reading for was very grateful and told me that I "put him at ease and peace." That is why I do readings in the first place. It was nice to know the reading had been successful. The connection I made with this spirit was really significant and I asked her if she would aid me at some other time and she agreed. She evidently knew she would cross the veil and then linger deliberately to help others. It is a choice she has made. After the reading she stayed around the house, happy, I think to have done her first good deed.

I was really buzzed after the reading and took hours to come down. Finally, I crawled into the bed and had a series of dreams that were all the same.

I am in church with my mother. Everyone is talking about how cold it is, really cold, unusually cold. My mother seems happy that is cold and is talking about making a fire. In one of the dreams, we are looking at the chimney and it is clogged up with soot. I tell her that I am sure Dad would have one of those Chimney Sweep Logs and that we should use that first, before we start any other fires. I realize however, that a fire as already started in the fireplace and I start trying to clear the clogs. My mother joins me and we frantically try to clear the clogs; however, we are not successful and I wake up.

In other versions of this dream, I am in church and then my mother and I leave. I remember thinking how odd the sermon was and then I realize my father isn't there. I ask my mother where he is and she says he is at Mr. Camel's house. Sometimes, she would spell his name for me, Clamal, which is not how you spell camel. She would grow more and more frantic asking me what the number of Clamal or Camel was. I kept asking her why she thought I knew. I would wake up after my mother had grown so frantic that she is screaming at me. When I fell back asleep the dream would start again.

Finally, I took my attention off of my mother, in my dream state, determined to end this bizarre dream cycle I found myself in. I started looking around the room. I noticed a picture on the wall that looked like old art. It had camels in it. I got closer and closer and saw the camel had some kind of riding bridle on it and it had the world CAMEL across it. The picture seems familiar to me, like I had seen it before. I studied it and got closer and closer trying to remember why the picture looked familiar. Suddenly, in my dream I knew what Camel's number was and woke up.

I got dressed and then walked in the great room of our house where you can literally see the kitchen, dinning room and living room all from being in any of these areas. Tony was doing his breakfast dishes.

I announced, "My father is dying of lung cancer." Tony sat with me and asked me what I dreamed. I relayed the dream to him and then asked if I should bother telling my mother or not. We both decided that telling her would alleviate any regrets I may have later for not telling her. I would never even dream of telling my father, for reasons of my own.

Before I even had breakfast, I had called my mom. I told her about my dream and that I had just recently had a serious encounter with the other side. She gave me her I am extremely uncomfortable with you now and am going to get off the phone as quickly as possible response. I get this response all the time, especially when she calls me and asks me what I am doing and I say, "I am at a gathering" or "I am working on my book." Then she asks, "What's a gathering?" or "What book are you working on?" and I say, "A gathering is where pagans get together to learn, worship and fellowship" or "Mom, my book is about family's and spirituality - you know my witch book." Then she pauses and gets that fake cheery voice that tells me her incredible powers of denial have kicked in and says, "I have to go the library (store, cook dinner, get my hair done) now. I love you. Ba-bye!" The line goes dead and I know I have lost her.

Usually, I understand that I am delving into spirituality in ways that my mother doesn't want to know about. I know that she was raise in a Southern Baptist environment in the heart of the Deep South and that she went to Tennessee Temple University in Chattanooga, TN। I understand that I have been bold in my life where she has chosen a safer route. I know from my grandmother that the etheric and all the possibilities it unleashes scare her. I will always remember her saying to me, "When you have these dreams, these visions, these feelings, don't tell your mother. She is afraid. Don't you be afraid, just keep them in you heart like Mary. The Bible says, "But Mary kept all of these things, and pondered them in her heart." (King James Version, Luke 2:19)

"You keep them in your heart, you ponder them," she would tell me.

She went on to tell me to ponder things for a long time and that there would be a time when I wouldn't have to hid my pondering and could share it. Not everyone was like her and I and not everyone approved of such things, especially in the church.

Living in this world of magic and intuition. I am surrounded by people who love me and support my gifts. Tony, Connla, Sarah, Crystal, Cam, Becky, my entire Family Coven, FWTI and new people I meet, like the man I mediumed for just yesterday. Their love and support keep me from insanity. It hasn't always been like this.

I once went to a gathering of elders and fell into reading for them. Finally, one elder watched me read for someone else (with the querent's permission). When the reading was over, the elder crossed her arms and stared at me. Finally, she pointed at me and said, "You are...are...are a psychic!" I looked up at her and said, "Yes, isn't everyone here?" indicating the elders who were gathering around us, the witches, Wiccans and neo-pagans. She said, "No, you don't understand, you really are. I don't want anything to do with you now." With that she left the room, and relations between us were strained ever after. She was afraid, just as afraid as my own mother continues to be.

So here I am, years later, in a much better place and my mother is dismissing me and everything I have to tell her. I got to thinking about Cassandra in Greek mythology who was doomed to be a great prophetess no one ever believed. I had someone once call me Cassandra and even accuse that I must have been Cassandra in a past life. I don't know about all that; however, I can say that the gifts of my family line have been challenging. It then occurs to me that I have named my cats Morgana in honor of The Morrigan and Cassandra. One cat representing the ease in which The Morrigan walks between this world and the next and the other representing the lack of belief others have in the truly gifted. I had never even thought of this before.

Today, I sat with the phone in my hand and decided, I had to be bold again and recruit the one person my mother might listen to, my brother Dean.

I called Dean and we small talked about his boy Logan and his wife's current pregnancy, then I launched in my explanation for the call and asked him to work on my parents for me. Dean surprised me today. During my conversation, I worked in the word "pagan" and even talked freely about mother and I debating theology. I told him I wasn't credible because I had left the church. He mentioned our other sister, whom I haven't spoken to in years. What I got from Dean today was acceptance. He agreed with me that my dream was significant and he wasn't surprised at it's foretelling. I was elated and uplifted. I also knew, I had done all that I could.

Tony and I worked on the Jeep today which has some minor issues. We were test driving it after he had worked on it and talking more about the unusual dream and what connection it might have with the women I spoke with last night. I got that prickle as I asked the question, the one that tells me to pursue it, I am on to something. Tony and I switch who was driving and I called the querent from yesterday. I asked him if his sister had died of lung cancer and he said that his mother had, sort of. Both his mother and sister had died in March, years apart. They both had died of cancer. His mother's started in the colon and liver and traveled to the lungs. His sister's cancer had started in the liver and colon too. Both had discovered the cancer and quickly died, within six weeks of diagnosis.

I hung up and frantically called my brother back. I relayed the information to him. We were both shaken up. My mother has had liver issues for years and March is less than one year away. He assured me he would urge them both to get check ups. One thing I know is that Dean will hound my parents until they give in and he typically gets his way.

While I was writing this journal, I ran a search on clamal and clemal. Clamal Cell is a product that I got one random hit on. I have written the website to discover what dis-ease it is used to treat in some hopes that might be a further clue. I got no hits on clemal. I am also struck by the similarity to cell mal or bad cells. Cancer cells are certainly mal, very very mal. If anyone else has some suggestions about what clemal or clamal might mean, please post a comment! I would love to hear from you.

I have to send a blessed thank you to Joy, the sister I communicated with last night. I do think Joy stayed around my home and I do think she is responsible for the information I have received. I remember distinctly that she kept pointing to her back and saying that she had wings, despite the fact that I could not see them. In this case however, she was an angel who helped others. I hope this good deed is what earns her wings for her. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets her wings.

Query Letters

I did it. I sent query letters to five publishing houses and my information to Tom Morris. Tom has agreed to look over my proposal and ideas and offer his insight. I could not be more grateful.

I did it.