Ritual Abuse is Wrong.
It doesn't matter where it is instigated from.
Introduction: This blog is in response to a blog written by AJ Drew. The blog just below this one is a brief account about how I came across this blog originally. The next blog down is AJ Drew's original blog entry. The blog after that is the response given by Gavine and Yvonne Frost. Please feel free to repost this blog entry. Please include the short bio at the end of this blog and the links it provides.
I admit it. I am part of the problem. My name is Lydia "Dia" Crabtree and I am a pagan pacifist.
It is true, I recycle everything I can. I Bring My Bag to every grocery store and chide anyone who will listen about the obscenity of using plastic or paper bags that destroy our Mother. Of course, the little voice in my head says, "Tree Bear is why you finally started doing it. It is his continue vigilance that keeps you green." Tree Bear is ten. Who wants to look inactive to a ten-year-old? It is also true that I am a full time minister without a paycheck and have dedicated my life to FWTI. I am also a full time mother tending to my son and my Husband Priest. I vote. I founded the 1st Women In Black chapter in Chattanooga, TN. I tell stories to children to educate them about the Mississippi Mud People the white man destroyed leaving only their Mayan like mounds as a testament to their existence.
I am still a pagan pacifist. I have kept silent about the important things. It is easy to recycle for the most part. It gives you a sense of importance and the right to be a little condescending to the rest of the world. I suppose being a minister is some how noble; however, the financial strains I place upon my family by not taking a "real job" weigh upon me everyday. I tend my Family Coven and, in truth, they tend me, more than most would believe. I have founded chapters of important movements basking in the reflected glory of those who had already done the hard work. I have told stories and held my tongue when it came to the morals they really teach us about dominance and conversion.
I have done a small fraction of what I could do.
There are things that are wrong.
You know it. You can feel it. Don't deny this! Over time you can desensitize yourself into believing anything is right; however, it doesn't justify the wrongness of the act. Wicca has made a fine art of desensitization. First, something reasonable, however, outside the accepted norms of society is proposed: Sex is not bad. Sex is good and sacred. This deviation is needed to further the social evolution of our society. Then the idea that sex is good evolves into the idea that having sex with lots of people is better. This idea is more a personal choice. In the Craft we value our personal choices and quickly agree to not discuss the promiscuity in our religion. After all how many partners you take is a choice you make.
Then overtime, if having many partners is ok doing other sexual things that society deems inappropriate is ok too. Suddenly, many neo-pagans find themselves in triple X situations that have some how been justified by their spiritual path. I am reminded of the ritual I once read on line where the "Priestess" gives oral sex to the Eastern Guardian who climaxes and says, "Blessed be." Then she moves on to the Sothern Guardian and does the same. If you were to ask the creator of this ritual, as I did, why this is an appropriate ritual and what occasion it is to celebrate other than the erotic pleasure of the participants, you are likely to hear what I have: silence. There was no answer because no thought had been given to the question. It is this erosion of clear value and deliberate action that leads to children suffering ritual abuse at the hands of their caregivers. This lack of thought slowly erodes the participants sense of wrong.
Are the activities they are engaged wrong? Do they loose sight of the value of children because they have chosen to do these things outside of general accepted spirituality?
Most certainly not!
It is because they have not given much thought to their behavior and what motivates that behavior in the first place.
They do not know what they really believe or why.
This leaves room for people to move in and warp what could be good, holy and sacred. They justify their views with anthropology, use big words and carry themselves with an air of confidence and knowledge. They display in short all the signs of any good cult leader. They depend on their audience being undereducated and most importantly unsure of themselves. Just like any predator they hope that their justification will muddle their victims minds and make it easier to take advantage.
It has been working quite nicely.
Most of these leaders show the tale tell signs of cult leadership. Instead of standing on the facts, they wind a response that is well written and obscure. No one can really be sure of what they mean. They are as slippery as a wet fish out of water and they thrash about splashing condemnation on any who would try to hook them. They work on common fears of parents. Suggesting good parents want the best for the children and only good parents want their children's first sexual experience to be positive. Then they finish up with the solution that they and they alone have discovered the best way to introduce children to sex.
I have heard this argument before. Given by a registered and convicted sex offender about why he was soliciting sex from a twelve-year-old witch. He wanted her first experience to be spiritual and sacred, he told the parents when his plan had been thwarted by the girl's sister and family. Surely, they wanted it to be good for her too? It makes me sick. Using the Goddess religion as an excuse to violate a burgeoning Goddess. The child was traumatized, forced to lie to her parents, lost weight and contemplated suicide. Explain to me how this sexual predators manipulation of her was sacred, holy or right?
If a parent can get a hold of real love for their children, then logic and psychology can help them defend against the other Frost arguments. Basic psychology teaches us that children are developed from two types of influence: Nature and Nurture. Nature is a reflection of the physical things past on to children in DNA. I would argue that some of these inherited things are spiritual in nature. I am a seer because I was born in a line of seers. My son is a seer because he is of my womb.
Nurture is the type of influence exerted upon children by the physical surroundings. Their attitudes, opinions and beliefs are shaped by the exposure they receive to the society they are raised in. This nurture includes the immediate family's beliefs and it also includes society's influence upon the child, what they pick up from television, public or private schools, radio, the internet, people they meet in the neighborhood, clubs and organizations.
I would even go so far to say that in Paganism there is a third influence. I call it Spiritual Remembering: the influence of our past lives upon our present situations. It is possible that our child might have lived in some culture where adolescent sexual initiation occurred. Depending upon the affect in that lifetime upon that child, it may have a positive or negative influence upon them today.
That said, we do not live thousands of years ago! We live in 2007. In this time, magical parents have a duty to balance these three influences: Nature, Nurture and Spiritual Remembering. I do not believe that it is psychologically sound in 2007 to perform adolescent or pre-adolescent sexual initiations. This does not take into account the emotional, social or spiritual maturity of a child. Further it completely disregards that child's interaction with the outside world. Our children do not live in a vacuum. After hundreds of years of evolution both physical and social, our collective consciousness has come to the conclusion that children should stay children as long as possible. Healthy adults have been born out of stable, safe environments where exploration that is natural leads to discovery. There is nothing wrong with learning about the physical act of sex as a teenager with your first infatuation. In this day and age, it is the most healthy way of discovery.
This is not to say that sexual education is not important. My son's questions about sex have been answered honestly and frankly whenever they occur. He has already been taught about when it is appropriate to hold hands or kiss. I have already talked with him about "No means No." He has had talks with me in the car, at dinner and other places about sex, contraception and the emotional experience of love making. He is ten.
The talks haven't been graphic. They haven't been forced. They have just occurred in the natural course of raising a child. I have been bold and I have not flinched from being a mother who encourages her son that sex is natural and wonderful. He wants to run around naked in the house, I do not stop him unless company is coming. His body is beautiful. His penis is a gift from the God. He is coming into manhood and my husband and I have been his willing guardians as he has developed.
You don't need sexual initiation to ensure that your children's first sexual experience is good, healthy and benefits their emotional and spiritual development. You do not need to give up parenting of your child to some Coven to ensure their safety and spiritual development.
What you need, is a clear sense of what you believe, an open heart and an open mouth. Having these things is not just for the benefit of your child. It is for the benefit of your spiritual well being. The warnings in your heart should be enough to steer clear of the heresy taught by predators.
Lydia "Dia" Crabtree has a Bachelors of Science Degree in Psychology as well as concentrations in Journalism and Theatre from North Georgia College and State University. Further, Crabtree has extensive training and experience with battered women and survivors of incest. She has spent the past four years researching earth based spirituality from a Family Coven's perspective. She is the co-founder of Family Wiccan Traditions International and a moderator on Family Wiccan Community. She is actively writing her first book: Family Coven: Birthing Hereditary Witchcraft.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Quiet, Gatherings, Dedication to Spiritual Paths, Chiggers
I got up this morning and saw off Tony and Sam for the first time in months. Tony went off to work a bit sad that our increasingly independent boy wanted to walk to the bus stop instead of ride with him. Our boy went off after giving hugs all around swaggering toward the bus stop, ready for a new school year. I shut the door and crawled back into bed. When I woke I read for about an hour listening to the quiet and enjoying the emptiness of the house. It has been in an uproar with a child here all day, strains of his imagination floating to my ears as I made some attempt at work.
Now it is quiet and my heart can't help but sigh contentedly.
I haven't posted since my return from the last gathering. I was, obviously, playing with a child or catching up on email or doing what work I could do while listening to the pirates in the next room be taken down by my hero boy who occasionally got stabbed. I could tell when this happened because there would be a, "Ohh, you think you can take me?" His recovery was amazing as the battle with restart with a vigor that it had begun to loss just before he was breached by a pirate. It is hard to apply your imagination when you realize the one in the next room has you unequivocally beat.
I wanted to thank those that wrote to me about HJ's death and about my big mouth. I found your comments uplifting. My melancholy has passed for the most part and I am finding my focus again. It hasn't hurt that I have spent time resting and going to bed early. I try to keep the TV off more and more which keeps my mind from buzzing with that white noise of life that can separate us from a spiritual existence.
The gathering was fabulous, as always. I went with Cam, Drostan, Ian, Yannu, Nite Tiger, Tree Bear, and Tony. We ended up camping directly across from the main ritual space which was fabulous too. It was HOT. We certainly had a hard time staying cool, although a dip in the lake helped. Tony was eaten up with chiggers to the point that he looked like he had broken out in chicken pocks. Cam, Tree Bear, Yannu and myself all suffered a small bit at the mouths of the chiggers; however, we all feel that we got off easy compared to Tony.
Tree Bear decided to dedicate this weekend. This came on the heels of a dream he had experienced about a month ago. Tree Bear decided that his dream meant that he was indeed a Neo-Pagan and wanted to mark this realization with a ritual. He, Tony and I prepared a ritual together. I helped him make a beautiful spirit box and we invited some friends to attend. I think that despite everyone's nervousness, the ritual went very well. Tree Bear certainly has a bit of a different demeanor now, a purpose seems to have sprung in him that was not there before. He seems to have found direction and courage where there was neither. I have been quite surprised by this affect. He got some cool gifts and cherished them all weekend. This week, I started teaching him divination at his request and he is learning with interest. Some days he is more interested than others. On the days he shows a smaller amount of interest, I just drop it.
I have been asked by a mother when you know that a child is ready to dedicate. I was taken aback as I view this woman as far more skilled than I am by virtue of her age and years of practice. I didn't know when Tree Bear was ready. He did. He told me. He told me he wanted a ritual and then it was my job to make sure he got what he needed without bringing harm to himself or others. He had the dream. He interpreted the dream.
I think what I did do was expose him to as many different paths as possible. I have consistently honed the idea that "all gods are one god; all goddesses are one goddess." I taught him that because of this belief the Judeo Christian God was indistinguishable from Currunous or Thor, that Mary and Bres were the same. I taught him what was different one religion to the next is the people who practiced those religions. I taught him that a spiritual path had nothing whatsoever to do with religion. Religion was human's creation to quantify, qualify and justify spiritual paths that appeared similar in nature and principle. I tried to impress upon him that what I hoped for him was a spiritual path that brought him strength, courage and peace to deal with the mundane world we were forced to live within.
"It is not how God is that we see," I have told him, "It is how we see God that makes God different to each of us." God and Goddess are uniquely individual experiences. We will see them as we see them and it when we begin to combine and join these different views that we can reveal some larger and more comprehensive picture of God. The Tower of Babel was not speaking of tongues, it was speaking of the ways in which human kind experiences God. They were putting together the pieces of what the essence of God truly is and because no mortal can experience this type of divine revelation, Deity struck them down and confused them sending them off with their singular versions of what God is.
This is precisely why I believe Family Spirituality is so important. Within the confines of a strong family unit the ability to reveal the depth of Deity, to understand and see more of Divinity that others have experience is great. There is already a solidarity of energy and experience that supports the effort of revealing God, Goddess. I am unclear how earth based practitioners have overlooked this for so long.
AGENTS AND OTHER STUFF
I haven't heard from the agents I hope to work with in the future. I am contemplating moving forward with or without them. I can hire a lawyer later if I need one (and I am confident I will). I have also found a list of magazines that I will be submitting articles to in order to build up my portfolio. Now in the silence I can focus; however, I am glad the bus gets home at 3:45. I am looking forward to it.
I got up this morning and saw off Tony and Sam for the first time in months. Tony went off to work a bit sad that our increasingly independent boy wanted to walk to the bus stop instead of ride with him. Our boy went off after giving hugs all around swaggering toward the bus stop, ready for a new school year. I shut the door and crawled back into bed. When I woke I read for about an hour listening to the quiet and enjoying the emptiness of the house. It has been in an uproar with a child here all day, strains of his imagination floating to my ears as I made some attempt at work.
Now it is quiet and my heart can't help but sigh contentedly.
I haven't posted since my return from the last gathering. I was, obviously, playing with a child or catching up on email or doing what work I could do while listening to the pirates in the next room be taken down by my hero boy who occasionally got stabbed. I could tell when this happened because there would be a, "Ohh, you think you can take me?" His recovery was amazing as the battle with restart with a vigor that it had begun to loss just before he was breached by a pirate. It is hard to apply your imagination when you realize the one in the next room has you unequivocally beat.
I wanted to thank those that wrote to me about HJ's death and about my big mouth. I found your comments uplifting. My melancholy has passed for the most part and I am finding my focus again. It hasn't hurt that I have spent time resting and going to bed early. I try to keep the TV off more and more which keeps my mind from buzzing with that white noise of life that can separate us from a spiritual existence.
The gathering was fabulous, as always. I went with Cam, Drostan, Ian, Yannu, Nite Tiger, Tree Bear, and Tony. We ended up camping directly across from the main ritual space which was fabulous too. It was HOT. We certainly had a hard time staying cool, although a dip in the lake helped. Tony was eaten up with chiggers to the point that he looked like he had broken out in chicken pocks. Cam, Tree Bear, Yannu and myself all suffered a small bit at the mouths of the chiggers; however, we all feel that we got off easy compared to Tony.
Tree Bear decided to dedicate this weekend. This came on the heels of a dream he had experienced about a month ago. Tree Bear decided that his dream meant that he was indeed a Neo-Pagan and wanted to mark this realization with a ritual. He, Tony and I prepared a ritual together. I helped him make a beautiful spirit box and we invited some friends to attend. I think that despite everyone's nervousness, the ritual went very well. Tree Bear certainly has a bit of a different demeanor now, a purpose seems to have sprung in him that was not there before. He seems to have found direction and courage where there was neither. I have been quite surprised by this affect. He got some cool gifts and cherished them all weekend. This week, I started teaching him divination at his request and he is learning with interest. Some days he is more interested than others. On the days he shows a smaller amount of interest, I just drop it.
I have been asked by a mother when you know that a child is ready to dedicate. I was taken aback as I view this woman as far more skilled than I am by virtue of her age and years of practice. I didn't know when Tree Bear was ready. He did. He told me. He told me he wanted a ritual and then it was my job to make sure he got what he needed without bringing harm to himself or others. He had the dream. He interpreted the dream.
I think what I did do was expose him to as many different paths as possible. I have consistently honed the idea that "all gods are one god; all goddesses are one goddess." I taught him that because of this belief the Judeo Christian God was indistinguishable from Currunous or Thor, that Mary and Bres were the same. I taught him what was different one religion to the next is the people who practiced those religions. I taught him that a spiritual path had nothing whatsoever to do with religion. Religion was human's creation to quantify, qualify and justify spiritual paths that appeared similar in nature and principle. I tried to impress upon him that what I hoped for him was a spiritual path that brought him strength, courage and peace to deal with the mundane world we were forced to live within.
"It is not how God is that we see," I have told him, "It is how we see God that makes God different to each of us." God and Goddess are uniquely individual experiences. We will see them as we see them and it when we begin to combine and join these different views that we can reveal some larger and more comprehensive picture of God. The Tower of Babel was not speaking of tongues, it was speaking of the ways in which human kind experiences God. They were putting together the pieces of what the essence of God truly is and because no mortal can experience this type of divine revelation, Deity struck them down and confused them sending them off with their singular versions of what God is.
This is precisely why I believe Family Spirituality is so important. Within the confines of a strong family unit the ability to reveal the depth of Deity, to understand and see more of Divinity that others have experience is great. There is already a solidarity of energy and experience that supports the effort of revealing God, Goddess. I am unclear how earth based practitioners have overlooked this for so long.
AGENTS AND OTHER STUFF
I haven't heard from the agents I hope to work with in the future. I am contemplating moving forward with or without them. I can hire a lawyer later if I need one (and I am confident I will). I have also found a list of magazines that I will be submitting articles to in order to build up my portfolio. Now in the silence I can focus; however, I am glad the bus gets home at 3:45. I am looking forward to it.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Death and Lughnassadh, Life and its Adverse Affects on Writing, Business of Blogging, Gatherings
Since HJ's death, I have become increasingly depressed. I find that Harry Potter makes an excellent distraction; however, I don't think I need much of one. My boy is home and I always find something to do with him. We are planning our yearly camping trip for this weekend and that is keeping me busy as well.
HJ's death sneaks up on me at strange moments. Last night I was reading about Cedric Diggory dying in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Suddenly I was over come with tears and then I couldn't sleep. I stayed up very late. Watching Dead Zone when a minor character died and again I was plunged into a bizarre place where death seems overpowering.
Death coming at Lughnassadh, a time of harvest, it is hard not to feel like my life is somehow harvesting death and illness. I have had an ear infection for a week. I just heard another good friend of mine's mother is seriously ill. Tony came home last night not feeling well. HJ is dead. Where is the sustenance that is marked at this time of the year? Where is the spiritual food to make me buoyant throughout the coming winter? And through all this my friends and family are quiet. It is like they are watching a train about to collide with a car and can not find a voice to say anything. Maybe it is because I don't reveal enough. I had a teacher once say that in order to gain the love and trust of others you must risk the same. I know I play it close to the vest and it also feels like when I say something I am ignored.
This past weekend I really wanted to go to hike with a good friend and see this awesome place she had found off of a well worn trail. It was a circle of cedar trees that created sacred space of some sort. I was very ill. I tried to explain that I wanted to go and probably shouldn't, however the feeling of disappointment from my friend was overwhelming. It is one of those times when feeling others emotions and reading their thoughts is a big nuisance.
So I hiked a mile in the rain. I hiked feeling my Husband Priest angry and upset that my friend couldn't see how sick I was, angry at me that I was bullied into doing something I shouldn't have. I hiked feeling my son worried that I was sick and then mad because I had made him wear a poncho. I hiked feeling my friend justifying her position saying in her head I had said I would do this for years and she wasn't going to let me back out now because of a little rain and an alleged ear ache.
We reached the destination and I immediately understood why she wanted us to come. I wished I had a tap measure so that I could have seen exactly what the circumference was, wondering what part sacred geometry had in the formation. Unfortunately the trees were dying. Tony walked around doing reiki on them and then I did a guided past life meditation. Only my son came back with visions from the place we were.
On the way back we saw a fawn. It was very close to the trail and it's mother was also very close. My friend wasn't impressed; however, it made the whole affair worth it to me. Further on down the trail we ran into another Doe. Tony kept expecting to see a Stag; however, we never did. We went home and I collapsed, sleeping two hours. My friend left upset that I was so drained and Tony was mad that she couldn't see what had happened.
She called today asking if I was feeling better and apologized. I understood, really I did. I had been promising her for some time that we would make the trip and I did enjoy our meditation and seeing the deer. It was nice; however, to get an apology and an admission that her selfish desires had over come her good sense. Tony will be pleased to know this happened.
She started asking about other things and I found everything tumbling out. My weekend after she left that revealed the death of HJ, a row I had with my ex-husband. a row my ex-husband had with Tony, my son's anxiety about wanting to go on the trip with us and not wanting to make his father mad, preparing for the camping trip and a private ritual that is to take place this weekend. I found myself telling her that none of my friends had acknowledged my loss and it made me feel lonely.
I told her that out of all the blogs I had written, it was HJ's blog that had attracted the attention of people I didn't know. Evidentially there are these groups that gather together blogs of similar interest and then promote them. Southern Stories has been attracting the attention of MetaPagan for some time evidently. It was the HJ blog that had them contact me. You would have thought that would have made me feel good; however, I marveled that death of a friend could bring about this type of harvest. I think HJ had something to do with it. It would be just like him to ensure that an electronic connection is made as a way of saying thanks for what I had said. Further I had gotten the response in mere hours after posting. After that Tony went on to read it and I found him broken down in complete tears at his desk, overcome with grief and loss. He told me, "I can't do it. I can't read it. I am sorry." The energy of death is almost over powering in this house.
You would have thought with all of this, writing was the last thing on my mind. However, I did finish an article for a contest. It is currently being edited by other writers and my friend, Cam (THANK YOU). I hope to get those back and submit it next week. Maybe the fact that it was about Samhein helped. The mood of death and veil crossing is certainly heavy on my mind right now.
I also read some of the other blogs MetaPagan had highlighted. One was about a gathering I attended earlier in the year where Tony and I tried to enter into a discussion about skyclad with a girl who completely lost it and told us if you didn't accept seeing people naked you weren't pagan. I re-read my blog and told Tony I felt sick to my stomach. He asked me why and I said, "Damn I have a big mouth." Then I stopped and felt a peace wash over me and suddenly it occurred to me...I was probably one of the few pagans who had ever DARED to write about being a bit uncomfortable around nudity. I certainly was the only pagan outside of Tony I had met who was willing to discuss it in a civilized manner. I recalled a big debate occurring in an old e-list I was associated with about skyclad events and remembered how blindingly angry the pro-skyclad group had gotten. They were so angry many of those who had reasonable concerns to discuss (I am afraid I will lose custody of my children if I am come to events where nudity is permitted), were shamed into silence. They were expected to accept without question what was being said. They were told to stay home because their concerns about nudity meant they weren't really pagan. I can remember not even being able to make sense of the pro-skyclad groups arguments because of the anger, hatred and venom with which they delivered their message.
Please note this is not the case with the gathering I attended recently. I find those who attend to typically be willing to debate, discuss and help each other grow which is why I continue to be a big fan of their events.
My point is that in witchcraft we have made many topics taboo: Skyclad events, polyamoury, the practice of BDSM as a form of Goddess worship, the ideas of responsibility and spiritual growth, children and the craft, traditional craft versus the growing family craft, to name a few. There is no longer a debate permitted. "Real Pagans" are assumed to believe very specific things and if they don't believe them they are expect to accept in silence the commonly held belief. I constantly feel like I am saying things that are on other people's minds that they only say to their mates or their closest friends or whisper to each other at PNO afraid to be overheard. The sad thing is that most of those who haven't made their minds up about these topics probably never will because one side or the other gets so touchy an intelligent discussion is almost impossible. A large portion of pagans have fallen into the defense of their faith instead of explanation of it. They see any opposing view as threatening and therefore it must be taken out, silenced, shamed.
So I have come to believe that it is my willingness to say what I think that helped HJ's blog go over so well. I saw suicide and then I wrote about it unflinchingly. I opened my big mouth.
I decided not to alter my other blog entries. I am not ashamed of what I said. Actually I am sad really. I had hoped to meet someone willing to discuss and help bring understanding to issues that I was still grappling with. That's right I grapple. You do to, I am sure. Of course your mouth isn't as big as mine and so not many people know. Maybe I don't play things so close to vest after all. Maybe my loud mouth is mistaken for a confident one. Either way, I am speaking for the whispers, the doubters, the grapplers. If you are above doubting, grappling and quiet concern, find another blog.
Since HJ's death, I have become increasingly depressed. I find that Harry Potter makes an excellent distraction; however, I don't think I need much of one. My boy is home and I always find something to do with him. We are planning our yearly camping trip for this weekend and that is keeping me busy as well.
HJ's death sneaks up on me at strange moments. Last night I was reading about Cedric Diggory dying in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Suddenly I was over come with tears and then I couldn't sleep. I stayed up very late. Watching Dead Zone when a minor character died and again I was plunged into a bizarre place where death seems overpowering.
Death coming at Lughnassadh, a time of harvest, it is hard not to feel like my life is somehow harvesting death and illness. I have had an ear infection for a week. I just heard another good friend of mine's mother is seriously ill. Tony came home last night not feeling well. HJ is dead. Where is the sustenance that is marked at this time of the year? Where is the spiritual food to make me buoyant throughout the coming winter? And through all this my friends and family are quiet. It is like they are watching a train about to collide with a car and can not find a voice to say anything. Maybe it is because I don't reveal enough. I had a teacher once say that in order to gain the love and trust of others you must risk the same. I know I play it close to the vest and it also feels like when I say something I am ignored.
This past weekend I really wanted to go to hike with a good friend and see this awesome place she had found off of a well worn trail. It was a circle of cedar trees that created sacred space of some sort. I was very ill. I tried to explain that I wanted to go and probably shouldn't, however the feeling of disappointment from my friend was overwhelming. It is one of those times when feeling others emotions and reading their thoughts is a big nuisance.
So I hiked a mile in the rain. I hiked feeling my Husband Priest angry and upset that my friend couldn't see how sick I was, angry at me that I was bullied into doing something I shouldn't have. I hiked feeling my son worried that I was sick and then mad because I had made him wear a poncho. I hiked feeling my friend justifying her position saying in her head I had said I would do this for years and she wasn't going to let me back out now because of a little rain and an alleged ear ache.
We reached the destination and I immediately understood why she wanted us to come. I wished I had a tap measure so that I could have seen exactly what the circumference was, wondering what part sacred geometry had in the formation. Unfortunately the trees were dying. Tony walked around doing reiki on them and then I did a guided past life meditation. Only my son came back with visions from the place we were.
On the way back we saw a fawn. It was very close to the trail and it's mother was also very close. My friend wasn't impressed; however, it made the whole affair worth it to me. Further on down the trail we ran into another Doe. Tony kept expecting to see a Stag; however, we never did. We went home and I collapsed, sleeping two hours. My friend left upset that I was so drained and Tony was mad that she couldn't see what had happened.
She called today asking if I was feeling better and apologized. I understood, really I did. I had been promising her for some time that we would make the trip and I did enjoy our meditation and seeing the deer. It was nice; however, to get an apology and an admission that her selfish desires had over come her good sense. Tony will be pleased to know this happened.
She started asking about other things and I found everything tumbling out. My weekend after she left that revealed the death of HJ, a row I had with my ex-husband. a row my ex-husband had with Tony, my son's anxiety about wanting to go on the trip with us and not wanting to make his father mad, preparing for the camping trip and a private ritual that is to take place this weekend. I found myself telling her that none of my friends had acknowledged my loss and it made me feel lonely.
I told her that out of all the blogs I had written, it was HJ's blog that had attracted the attention of people I didn't know. Evidentially there are these groups that gather together blogs of similar interest and then promote them. Southern Stories has been attracting the attention of MetaPagan for some time evidently. It was the HJ blog that had them contact me. You would have thought that would have made me feel good; however, I marveled that death of a friend could bring about this type of harvest. I think HJ had something to do with it. It would be just like him to ensure that an electronic connection is made as a way of saying thanks for what I had said. Further I had gotten the response in mere hours after posting. After that Tony went on to read it and I found him broken down in complete tears at his desk, overcome with grief and loss. He told me, "I can't do it. I can't read it. I am sorry." The energy of death is almost over powering in this house.
You would have thought with all of this, writing was the last thing on my mind. However, I did finish an article for a contest. It is currently being edited by other writers and my friend, Cam (THANK YOU). I hope to get those back and submit it next week. Maybe the fact that it was about Samhein helped. The mood of death and veil crossing is certainly heavy on my mind right now.
I also read some of the other blogs MetaPagan had highlighted. One was about a gathering I attended earlier in the year where Tony and I tried to enter into a discussion about skyclad with a girl who completely lost it and told us if you didn't accept seeing people naked you weren't pagan. I re-read my blog and told Tony I felt sick to my stomach. He asked me why and I said, "Damn I have a big mouth." Then I stopped and felt a peace wash over me and suddenly it occurred to me...I was probably one of the few pagans who had ever DARED to write about being a bit uncomfortable around nudity. I certainly was the only pagan outside of Tony I had met who was willing to discuss it in a civilized manner. I recalled a big debate occurring in an old e-list I was associated with about skyclad events and remembered how blindingly angry the pro-skyclad group had gotten. They were so angry many of those who had reasonable concerns to discuss (I am afraid I will lose custody of my children if I am come to events where nudity is permitted), were shamed into silence. They were expected to accept without question what was being said. They were told to stay home because their concerns about nudity meant they weren't really pagan. I can remember not even being able to make sense of the pro-skyclad groups arguments because of the anger, hatred and venom with which they delivered their message.
Please note this is not the case with the gathering I attended recently. I find those who attend to typically be willing to debate, discuss and help each other grow which is why I continue to be a big fan of their events.
My point is that in witchcraft we have made many topics taboo: Skyclad events, polyamoury, the practice of BDSM as a form of Goddess worship, the ideas of responsibility and spiritual growth, children and the craft, traditional craft versus the growing family craft, to name a few. There is no longer a debate permitted. "Real Pagans" are assumed to believe very specific things and if they don't believe them they are expect to accept in silence the commonly held belief. I constantly feel like I am saying things that are on other people's minds that they only say to their mates or their closest friends or whisper to each other at PNO afraid to be overheard. The sad thing is that most of those who haven't made their minds up about these topics probably never will because one side or the other gets so touchy an intelligent discussion is almost impossible. A large portion of pagans have fallen into the defense of their faith instead of explanation of it. They see any opposing view as threatening and therefore it must be taken out, silenced, shamed.
So I have come to believe that it is my willingness to say what I think that helped HJ's blog go over so well. I saw suicide and then I wrote about it unflinchingly. I opened my big mouth.
I decided not to alter my other blog entries. I am not ashamed of what I said. Actually I am sad really. I had hoped to meet someone willing to discuss and help bring understanding to issues that I was still grappling with. That's right I grapple. You do to, I am sure. Of course your mouth isn't as big as mine and so not many people know. Maybe I don't play things so close to vest after all. Maybe my loud mouth is mistaken for a confident one. Either way, I am speaking for the whispers, the doubters, the grapplers. If you are above doubting, grappling and quiet concern, find another blog.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Gathering Ettique when Children Are Involved
The sun has risen past Aquarius and is moving steadily toward Taurus, and the camping gear is beginning to send that quiet signal that the Gathering Season has returned. Everyone is anticipating the first main ritual of the season and being a part of the entire Pagan throng dressed in finery, that they stayed up until 2 am the night before the gathering to make. The throng files solemnly into main ritual space as the moon in her fullness casts shimmering shadows on the floor of the temple carpeted with small white and purple flowers. The High Priestess stands ready in the center of the circle and as everyone settles down, she declares, “Now we will ground and center!”
Right on cue, it cuts through the night like a coven sword through the wind, “NOOOOO ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG! STOP! Leave me a – a- looooonnnnnnnneeeeeee.” In unison only found in the Pagan community when scolding bad parenting, the entire 200-person circle whips the heads to see the offending child and harried Mother Priestess both near tears. The High Priestess holds a plastic grin and her teeth grind audibly.
What’s a Pagan parent to do? Don’t come to a gathering? Do those childless Pagans not understand the inherent need to have a conversation in English versus baby babble? They think staying at home with small children is so easy. After all there is no commute! However, that is the problem – there is no commute! That Mother Priestess hadn’t had a chance to be in ritual in over nine months and the opportunity presented itself and she took it – can you blame her?
Well, yes – after all she chose to bring the unmanageable Fae to circle and the gathering right? The fact is, if that child grows up and doesn’t go to school, the truancy officer is going to fine HER, not the community. She is the legal responsible party for that child’s behavior…and she must hold the keys to banishing gritting teeth in rituals.
The problem is that the keys to the mystery of parenting are a closer guarded secret than The Great Mysteries ever were. It just isn’t as easy as it might seem. There is the packing to get done, not for one lone Pagan, but for two or three or five or even seven. They have to get everything together, food, special food for the one who can’t eat peanuts and the one who won’t eat anything but cheese sandwiches with miracle whip. A good Father Priest isn’t going to forget the medicine for the problems everyone has right now and might contract on site – bug bites, poison ivy, tummy aches. There is the remembering of the CD player and batteries to play the lullabies to help Connla get to sleep. Don’t forget the Frisbees, crayons and coloring books just incase the site doesn’t provide adequate child age diversion. Goddess forbid, you get to the site that first night and discover the sacred sleep inducing Golden Blanky has been left behind along with Flippy, the traveling bear. The thought of it even a good 30 days before the first gathering gates open, is enough to send a Mother Priestess into a widdershins spiral.
There are Four Keys to Gathering Preparation that have recently been uncovered by a band of daring Mother Priestesses and Father Priests. They have fought through the flaying arms of their mischievous Fae and used these keys to unlock the gates of knowledge and retrieve the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety.
The 1st Key, is Family Covens are primarily responsible for exposing their children to ritual. The time for this exposure is NOT at a gathering. When you practice ritual etiquette at home it prepares children for the public events they will attend. How can any parent possibly expect a child to behave in an unfamiliar environment doing unfamiliar things?
The 2nd Key is Family Covens should not ignore the needs of the Pagan Community. When a person attends a large public event, they aren’t coming to hear your child scream. There is no doubt you are worn out and have a need for spiritual ease as much as the next person. However, it isn’t the community’s responsibility to ensure you get that time. Hire a baby sitter if your child is too young to not be disruptive. If you must bring your child, leave circle if they begin to cause a disruption. Have some respect for those who have come seeking solace and a moment of quiet reflection.
The 3rd Key is a lack of focus on the part of Pagan Parents on the art of parenting. Children are Pagan parent’s magical legacy. Just like the science and art of magic, parenting is a learning and remembering how to mold, shape and direct maids and warriors. No one expects that you know what to do up front! There are resources available, Pagan and otherwise. Do not be ashamed or afraid to take advantage of them. Attend parenting classes, network and compare tactics with other Mother Priestesses and Father Priests, find a local Family Wiccan Community, or start one in your area, and plug into their support and love. Don’t be blinded by love to the monster you may be raising and don’t wait. The older our children get, the harder it is going to be to make sure they are pointed in the right direction. Spend the same amount of time learning to be a parent, that you have spent learning to be a Witch, a Pagan or a Wiccan.
The 4th Key exposed the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety. These points are guidelines and common sense suggestions that have helped Mother Priestesses and Father Priests feel empowered to take on the Gathering Scene as a family with children.
1. Get your priorities straight. Family Coven is the thing you should be devoted to first and foremost. Your children are your magical legacy. Treat them that way and above all else be prepared to defend that. Be prepared to monitor your children, if the energy is too much if the exposure is too much, be prepared to leave the event to restore calm and order to your Family Coven, if necessary.
2. Investigate the group you are going to participate with, especially if you are attending a gathering. Ask around. What do people say about previous events? What does their website or flyer information say about drug use – or does it say anything? If you are in a divorce situation, ask yourself whether you risk your custodial rites by participating with this group. Write the sponsors and ask them about the things you are concerned about. It is a sad fact that there are groups that value individual rights over the laws of the governing body and the common sense that keeps kids safe. Be sure you are exposing your children only to safe environments.
3. Prepare your Family Coven. Do ritual at home, explain the Pagan ways and tell them what they can expect at an event. Teach them basic shielding techniques.
4. Set expectations of behavior. Set up a reward system for good behavior with your children. Don’t just discuss good behavior for your children, tell your children how others should treat them. Prepare them to identify when adults are acting inappropriately and prepare them to take the proper steps to protect themselves.
5. You’re a Witch, use magic. Visualize your Family Coven connected by a color that is associated with your Family Coven. On the ride to the event, spend some time feeling your Family Coven’s connection. Visualize the bond of Family Coven violently vibrating when one of the members is in danger. Take some time to ‘feel’ how that is. Then visualize each child with a giant psychic sign that is constantly broadcasting, “Touch my child with harmful intent and you will pay, ” over and over and over. Put all that Mother Bear, Father Lion energy into this psychic sign. If your child already has a familiar or spiritual guardian, call them to you and instruct them on protection of that child. Finally, visualize a conduit that runs from your child’s aura whose purpose is to siphon off excess energy they may pick up. This permanent grounding technique is useful not just for gatherings, but any event where there will be large crowds with lots of mixed energy.
6. Identify your Family Coven and tag your child. Wear the same colored shirts to an event. Put wristbands on your children with their name, your name, a cell phone number and any medical information (allergic to bees, peanut butter) . If they are toddlers, pen a piece of paper with this information on their backs.
7. Make a game plan. When you arrive, get the lay of the land. Make sure your children know how to get to your camp (home base) , the bathrooms and one central location (far base) . Practice once. Leave children at far base and have them find you on their own (appropriate for ages 8 and above, reference 1) . With your partner plan ahead the times you will watch and the times they will watch or make arrangements with another Pagan mom or dad to do the same.
8. Put a radio collar on your children. Buy two-way radios and find a way to fasten them to the child. Use the radios for ‘safety check ins’ and to help ease communication in the event of an emergency. Your wristband might even read, “In case of emergency, use radio to contact mom on channel 7.”
9. Make visual contact. Even if you use radios, every three hours physically lay your eyes on your child. Look them over. They will be dirty, but are they bleeding? Do they need food? Should they eat even if they say they don’t want food? Do they need WATER? Are they dehydrated? Are they over heated? Are they cold? Do they need dry clothes?
10. Have your children participate. Don’t just let them run wild. No one appreciates that and it doesn’t add spirituality to the gathering experience. Have your children attend events or workshops that are permitted for children. If you are going to a public circle and you know there will be no children activities; bring something for the child to do so they can be occupied and busy.
11. Keep the Family Coven Schedule. Adjust sleep times some; however, recognize that even you get cranky if you don’t get enough sleep, so by ensuring your children eat properly, get enough rest and are hydrated, you are also cutting down on the potential behavior problems.
12. Make your Family Coven come to home base once a day and have an afternoon or evening meal. Ask the children who they have met, where the other kid’s camps are, who they came with. Go meet those parents later. Make an effort to use the gathering as an opportunity to further the bonds of Family Coven.
13. Monitor your children and the community you are participating in. If you see something that upsets you, leave. If you have a problem with someone acting inappropriately to you or your children, leave. If you go to ritual and get a feeling that something isn’t right, leave. If your child tells you they are not comfortable, leave. If the community seems unreceptive to your Family Coven, leave. Your karmic responsibility is to your Family Coven. Your children are your spiritual legacy. Treat them that way.
It is so easy to simply believe that all gatherings are safe, all Pagans are perfect and all Pagan playgrounds have a magic barrier of protection no pedophile can penetrate. Discernment is a witch’s best weapon and discernment teaches us, that those ideas are fantasy. Mother Priestesses and Father Priests have a calling to their children above all and they must think about these issues, plan for these issues and investigate the groups and events they attend to ensure they are safe. The karmic responsibility falls to Mother Priestesses and Father Priests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footnotes:
Reference 1: In the state of Georgia, children under the age of 8 years old can not be unsupervised or the parents face legal repercussions. This means that the state of Georgia has decided that children under the age of 8 lack some ability of discernment that would permit them to self-monitor. This is an excellent rule of thumb for pagan gatherings. If your child is under 8, they need to stay within sight of a responsible adult. If they are over 8, the ability to roam freely can be considered with the appropriate precautions suggested in the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety.
Copyright: Written by Lydia 'Dia' Crabtree, March, 2006. Reprint with permission from author.
The sun has risen past Aquarius and is moving steadily toward Taurus, and the camping gear is beginning to send that quiet signal that the Gathering Season has returned. Everyone is anticipating the first main ritual of the season and being a part of the entire Pagan throng dressed in finery, that they stayed up until 2 am the night before the gathering to make. The throng files solemnly into main ritual space as the moon in her fullness casts shimmering shadows on the floor of the temple carpeted with small white and purple flowers. The High Priestess stands ready in the center of the circle and as everyone settles down, she declares, “Now we will ground and center!”
Right on cue, it cuts through the night like a coven sword through the wind, “NOOOOO ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG! STOP! Leave me a – a- looooonnnnnnnneeeeeee.” In unison only found in the Pagan community when scolding bad parenting, the entire 200-person circle whips the heads to see the offending child and harried Mother Priestess both near tears. The High Priestess holds a plastic grin and her teeth grind audibly.
What’s a Pagan parent to do? Don’t come to a gathering? Do those childless Pagans not understand the inherent need to have a conversation in English versus baby babble? They think staying at home with small children is so easy. After all there is no commute! However, that is the problem – there is no commute! That Mother Priestess hadn’t had a chance to be in ritual in over nine months and the opportunity presented itself and she took it – can you blame her?
Well, yes – after all she chose to bring the unmanageable Fae to circle and the gathering right? The fact is, if that child grows up and doesn’t go to school, the truancy officer is going to fine HER, not the community. She is the legal responsible party for that child’s behavior…and she must hold the keys to banishing gritting teeth in rituals.
The problem is that the keys to the mystery of parenting are a closer guarded secret than The Great Mysteries ever were. It just isn’t as easy as it might seem. There is the packing to get done, not for one lone Pagan, but for two or three or five or even seven. They have to get everything together, food, special food for the one who can’t eat peanuts and the one who won’t eat anything but cheese sandwiches with miracle whip. A good Father Priest isn’t going to forget the medicine for the problems everyone has right now and might contract on site – bug bites, poison ivy, tummy aches. There is the remembering of the CD player and batteries to play the lullabies to help Connla get to sleep. Don’t forget the Frisbees, crayons and coloring books just incase the site doesn’t provide adequate child age diversion. Goddess forbid, you get to the site that first night and discover the sacred sleep inducing Golden Blanky has been left behind along with Flippy, the traveling bear. The thought of it even a good 30 days before the first gathering gates open, is enough to send a Mother Priestess into a widdershins spiral.
There are Four Keys to Gathering Preparation that have recently been uncovered by a band of daring Mother Priestesses and Father Priests. They have fought through the flaying arms of their mischievous Fae and used these keys to unlock the gates of knowledge and retrieve the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety.
The 1st Key, is Family Covens are primarily responsible for exposing their children to ritual. The time for this exposure is NOT at a gathering. When you practice ritual etiquette at home it prepares children for the public events they will attend. How can any parent possibly expect a child to behave in an unfamiliar environment doing unfamiliar things?
The 2nd Key is Family Covens should not ignore the needs of the Pagan Community. When a person attends a large public event, they aren’t coming to hear your child scream. There is no doubt you are worn out and have a need for spiritual ease as much as the next person. However, it isn’t the community’s responsibility to ensure you get that time. Hire a baby sitter if your child is too young to not be disruptive. If you must bring your child, leave circle if they begin to cause a disruption. Have some respect for those who have come seeking solace and a moment of quiet reflection.
The 3rd Key is a lack of focus on the part of Pagan Parents on the art of parenting. Children are Pagan parent’s magical legacy. Just like the science and art of magic, parenting is a learning and remembering how to mold, shape and direct maids and warriors. No one expects that you know what to do up front! There are resources available, Pagan and otherwise. Do not be ashamed or afraid to take advantage of them. Attend parenting classes, network and compare tactics with other Mother Priestesses and Father Priests, find a local Family Wiccan Community, or start one in your area, and plug into their support and love. Don’t be blinded by love to the monster you may be raising and don’t wait. The older our children get, the harder it is going to be to make sure they are pointed in the right direction. Spend the same amount of time learning to be a parent, that you have spent learning to be a Witch, a Pagan or a Wiccan.
The 4th Key exposed the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety. These points are guidelines and common sense suggestions that have helped Mother Priestesses and Father Priests feel empowered to take on the Gathering Scene as a family with children.
1. Get your priorities straight. Family Coven is the thing you should be devoted to first and foremost. Your children are your magical legacy. Treat them that way and above all else be prepared to defend that. Be prepared to monitor your children, if the energy is too much if the exposure is too much, be prepared to leave the event to restore calm and order to your Family Coven, if necessary.
2. Investigate the group you are going to participate with, especially if you are attending a gathering. Ask around. What do people say about previous events? What does their website or flyer information say about drug use – or does it say anything? If you are in a divorce situation, ask yourself whether you risk your custodial rites by participating with this group. Write the sponsors and ask them about the things you are concerned about. It is a sad fact that there are groups that value individual rights over the laws of the governing body and the common sense that keeps kids safe. Be sure you are exposing your children only to safe environments.
3. Prepare your Family Coven. Do ritual at home, explain the Pagan ways and tell them what they can expect at an event. Teach them basic shielding techniques.
4. Set expectations of behavior. Set up a reward system for good behavior with your children. Don’t just discuss good behavior for your children, tell your children how others should treat them. Prepare them to identify when adults are acting inappropriately and prepare them to take the proper steps to protect themselves.
5. You’re a Witch, use magic. Visualize your Family Coven connected by a color that is associated with your Family Coven. On the ride to the event, spend some time feeling your Family Coven’s connection. Visualize the bond of Family Coven violently vibrating when one of the members is in danger. Take some time to ‘feel’ how that is. Then visualize each child with a giant psychic sign that is constantly broadcasting, “Touch my child with harmful intent and you will pay, ” over and over and over. Put all that Mother Bear, Father Lion energy into this psychic sign. If your child already has a familiar or spiritual guardian, call them to you and instruct them on protection of that child. Finally, visualize a conduit that runs from your child’s aura whose purpose is to siphon off excess energy they may pick up. This permanent grounding technique is useful not just for gatherings, but any event where there will be large crowds with lots of mixed energy.
6. Identify your Family Coven and tag your child. Wear the same colored shirts to an event. Put wristbands on your children with their name, your name, a cell phone number and any medical information (allergic to bees, peanut butter) . If they are toddlers, pen a piece of paper with this information on their backs.
7. Make a game plan. When you arrive, get the lay of the land. Make sure your children know how to get to your camp (home base) , the bathrooms and one central location (far base) . Practice once. Leave children at far base and have them find you on their own (appropriate for ages 8 and above, reference 1) . With your partner plan ahead the times you will watch and the times they will watch or make arrangements with another Pagan mom or dad to do the same.
8. Put a radio collar on your children. Buy two-way radios and find a way to fasten them to the child. Use the radios for ‘safety check ins’ and to help ease communication in the event of an emergency. Your wristband might even read, “In case of emergency, use radio to contact mom on channel 7.”
9. Make visual contact. Even if you use radios, every three hours physically lay your eyes on your child. Look them over. They will be dirty, but are they bleeding? Do they need food? Should they eat even if they say they don’t want food? Do they need WATER? Are they dehydrated? Are they over heated? Are they cold? Do they need dry clothes?
10. Have your children participate. Don’t just let them run wild. No one appreciates that and it doesn’t add spirituality to the gathering experience. Have your children attend events or workshops that are permitted for children. If you are going to a public circle and you know there will be no children activities; bring something for the child to do so they can be occupied and busy.
11. Keep the Family Coven Schedule. Adjust sleep times some; however, recognize that even you get cranky if you don’t get enough sleep, so by ensuring your children eat properly, get enough rest and are hydrated, you are also cutting down on the potential behavior problems.
12. Make your Family Coven come to home base once a day and have an afternoon or evening meal. Ask the children who they have met, where the other kid’s camps are, who they came with. Go meet those parents later. Make an effort to use the gathering as an opportunity to further the bonds of Family Coven.
13. Monitor your children and the community you are participating in. If you see something that upsets you, leave. If you have a problem with someone acting inappropriately to you or your children, leave. If you go to ritual and get a feeling that something isn’t right, leave. If your child tells you they are not comfortable, leave. If the community seems unreceptive to your Family Coven, leave. Your karmic responsibility is to your Family Coven. Your children are your spiritual legacy. Treat them that way.
It is so easy to simply believe that all gatherings are safe, all Pagans are perfect and all Pagan playgrounds have a magic barrier of protection no pedophile can penetrate. Discernment is a witch’s best weapon and discernment teaches us, that those ideas are fantasy. Mother Priestesses and Father Priests have a calling to their children above all and they must think about these issues, plan for these issues and investigate the groups and events they attend to ensure they are safe. The karmic responsibility falls to Mother Priestesses and Father Priests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footnotes:
Reference 1: In the state of Georgia, children under the age of 8 years old can not be unsupervised or the parents face legal repercussions. This means that the state of Georgia has decided that children under the age of 8 lack some ability of discernment that would permit them to self-monitor. This is an excellent rule of thumb for pagan gatherings. If your child is under 8, they need to stay within sight of a responsible adult. If they are over 8, the ability to roam freely can be considered with the appropriate precautions suggested in the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety.
Copyright: Written by Lydia 'Dia' Crabtree, March, 2006. Reprint with permission from author.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
RIP - HJ
I had a boss once. He was my favorite. He was not judgmental, fair, strong, funny, good looking. His heart was gold. He lived a life that reflected his deep held beliefs of chivalry and honor.
Friday, he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
I found out yesterday that he had died. I knew when I read the short letter from two girls I used to work with. I read a letter telling me of the need to speak with me and knew HJ was dead. The letter gave no hint of the sudden reason for speaking with me and yet I knew in my core what it was. I even told Tony, "HJ is dead," I said nonchalantly, "Must have been a heart attack."
After all HJ was of the right age and worked his ass off.
Today, after one of my students had left, I sat down to read my email and within the first three sentences was over come with grief, anger and disbelief. "What a waste," rolled over in my mind as Tony rocked me and told me it was going to be alright.
The letter had started as I had expected, "I hate to do this over email but Friday HJ died." I sat thinking about celebrating his life and seeing his soul over to the waters of forgetting and on to his next incarnation. The letter continued and said, "all we know was it was a self inflicted gun shot wound."
I can't pretend I have never thought about suicide. I find it hard to believe that there hasn't been some time in everyone's life where the thought that sweet and peaceful death would be better than the life of pain being currently experienced. When you loose sight of the fact that today is but a moment and it will pass, death is the better option.
But HJ? Seriously, even knowing his death had occurred, all I could think about was celebrating a life well lived, if not cut a bit short. The HJ I knew was vivacious, alive, confident. Now they aren't even going to celebrate him. Old laws of the Christians seeping in to rob him of even the memory that there was something good and worthy about the life he lived, if not the way he choose to die.
Tony talk over all the possible reasons why he might have chosen this. I won't repeat them here because they would be rumor mongering and I won't pretend I knew HJ well enough to even guess. Tony and I have grieved that we lost touch with this man who knew my religion and told me once it just meant to him that witches must be "pretty all right" because I was in deed "all right."
I think of him every time I sign my letters to editors, agents and publishing houses. I end with "Cordially," a trick of HJ's that said set his letters to vendors, employees and the press out from others. It was warm. It was personable and it was still professional. I mark down "Cordially," and smile knowing I am only setting myself apart from other authors because I had been given a great example by a man who wasn't even an artist.
He came to my wedding and gave us a great gift. He was genuinely happy to be there. Happy for Tony and I and the love we had obviously found.
I thought of HJ this past weekend at my writer's conference. When I left his employment, he made sure to give me a genuine leather briefcase complete with a place to store a laptop. He was excited that I was going to try my hand at success defined in some other way than by the roads of corporate America. He wanted to support me. As I walked into the conference, nice briefcase slung over my shoulder, the monogram shining in silver LMC. HJ knew that gold is not my color, silver is. I found it hard not to feel completely grateful. Grateful that HJ had taken the time to so equip me. I passed other would be writers carrying batter briefcases and knew that HJ's adage that half the battle for success was to appear successful was playing out right there at that conference.
Being who I am and believing what I do, I have allowed the ideas that HJ's death although appearing wasteful to me was at least his choice. He wanted to die. I would not recommend this course of action because it's finality is so thoroughly complete. Yet, I have felt HJ in my house since the first email. He is smiling and looking at my altar. He was not burdened and happy. Out of the corner of my eye he was there. And as soon as the reality of his death stole upon me he left...in shame.
All I wanted to say then is this:
Don't leave me HJ. You don't have to. Stay. Stay and give me the wisdom of your life and situation so that the next time, that very next time I will have your insight to help me help someone else. I am not going to judge you or condemn your life or your death. I believe everything is a choice and who am I to ridicule yours. Stay so that when Samhein steals upon this land, you will be close at hand. I will light black candles for you and leave them on an empty altar. A silent tribute to your life which was a light to others. A tribute to choice, which you made. Remind me how difficult it is to find those you admire and respect and how important it is to keep them in your life. Don't leave in shame. Stay and know that Tony and I both respected you, loved you and have always found it an honor to call you friend. We are sorry. Sorry for our years of silence. Sorry that we lost touch. Sorry that in your final moments you didn't know all that I am telling you now.
Stay with our love,
Cordially,
LMC
I had a boss once. He was my favorite. He was not judgmental, fair, strong, funny, good looking. His heart was gold. He lived a life that reflected his deep held beliefs of chivalry and honor.
Friday, he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
I found out yesterday that he had died. I knew when I read the short letter from two girls I used to work with. I read a letter telling me of the need to speak with me and knew HJ was dead. The letter gave no hint of the sudden reason for speaking with me and yet I knew in my core what it was. I even told Tony, "HJ is dead," I said nonchalantly, "Must have been a heart attack."
After all HJ was of the right age and worked his ass off.
Today, after one of my students had left, I sat down to read my email and within the first three sentences was over come with grief, anger and disbelief. "What a waste," rolled over in my mind as Tony rocked me and told me it was going to be alright.
The letter had started as I had expected, "I hate to do this over email but Friday HJ died." I sat thinking about celebrating his life and seeing his soul over to the waters of forgetting and on to his next incarnation. The letter continued and said, "all we know was it was a self inflicted gun shot wound."
I can't pretend I have never thought about suicide. I find it hard to believe that there hasn't been some time in everyone's life where the thought that sweet and peaceful death would be better than the life of pain being currently experienced. When you loose sight of the fact that today is but a moment and it will pass, death is the better option.
But HJ? Seriously, even knowing his death had occurred, all I could think about was celebrating a life well lived, if not cut a bit short. The HJ I knew was vivacious, alive, confident. Now they aren't even going to celebrate him. Old laws of the Christians seeping in to rob him of even the memory that there was something good and worthy about the life he lived, if not the way he choose to die.
Tony talk over all the possible reasons why he might have chosen this. I won't repeat them here because they would be rumor mongering and I won't pretend I knew HJ well enough to even guess. Tony and I have grieved that we lost touch with this man who knew my religion and told me once it just meant to him that witches must be "pretty all right" because I was in deed "all right."
I think of him every time I sign my letters to editors, agents and publishing houses. I end with "Cordially," a trick of HJ's that said set his letters to vendors, employees and the press out from others. It was warm. It was personable and it was still professional. I mark down "Cordially," and smile knowing I am only setting myself apart from other authors because I had been given a great example by a man who wasn't even an artist.
He came to my wedding and gave us a great gift. He was genuinely happy to be there. Happy for Tony and I and the love we had obviously found.
I thought of HJ this past weekend at my writer's conference. When I left his employment, he made sure to give me a genuine leather briefcase complete with a place to store a laptop. He was excited that I was going to try my hand at success defined in some other way than by the roads of corporate America. He wanted to support me. As I walked into the conference, nice briefcase slung over my shoulder, the monogram shining in silver LMC. HJ knew that gold is not my color, silver is. I found it hard not to feel completely grateful. Grateful that HJ had taken the time to so equip me. I passed other would be writers carrying batter briefcases and knew that HJ's adage that half the battle for success was to appear successful was playing out right there at that conference.
Being who I am and believing what I do, I have allowed the ideas that HJ's death although appearing wasteful to me was at least his choice. He wanted to die. I would not recommend this course of action because it's finality is so thoroughly complete. Yet, I have felt HJ in my house since the first email. He is smiling and looking at my altar. He was not burdened and happy. Out of the corner of my eye he was there. And as soon as the reality of his death stole upon me he left...in shame.
All I wanted to say then is this:
Don't leave me HJ. You don't have to. Stay. Stay and give me the wisdom of your life and situation so that the next time, that very next time I will have your insight to help me help someone else. I am not going to judge you or condemn your life or your death. I believe everything is a choice and who am I to ridicule yours. Stay so that when Samhein steals upon this land, you will be close at hand. I will light black candles for you and leave them on an empty altar. A silent tribute to your life which was a light to others. A tribute to choice, which you made. Remind me how difficult it is to find those you admire and respect and how important it is to keep them in your life. Don't leave in shame. Stay and know that Tony and I both respected you, loved you and have always found it an honor to call you friend. We are sorry. Sorry for our years of silence. Sorry that we lost touch. Sorry that in your final moments you didn't know all that I am telling you now.
Stay with our love,
Cordially,
LMC
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Harriett Austin Writers' Conference, The Business of Writing and Its Adverse Affects, Harry Potter
People are beginning to email me, impatient that I haven't posted what my first writers' conference was like. Truth is I am trying to assimilate the information, decide whether I found it to be of benefit and what I would like to say about it. On top of all that, Harry Potter came out and I would be lying if I said that it didn't distract me. It has been calling me, "Dia...Dia....don't you want to know who dies???" Very distracting to say the least.
So last night I finished Harry Potter. Don't worry, there are no spoilers here. I will say I enjoyed the last half better than the first. I encourage people who are reading the first half with mounting apprehension, to keep reading and do not skip to the end and read the last few pages. Trust me, you are going to like the ending. It is all alright. Just keep reading. I will also say that my husband is glad I finished. Our house was punctuated with gasps and shouts of, "NO!" or "GET OUT!" last night for a good four hours. He was really tired of saying, "What? What happened..no wait, don't tell me." Dang, how can any writer ignore the release of Harry Potter this week, but enough of that.
I am completely bogged down in the business of writing and it is making me crazy. OK crazier than I would be normally. With contracts looming in front of me and some serious obstacles toward publication, I feel like I have landed on the planet of publishing and do not quite speak the language. I spoke with a lovely agent yesterday who said I was afraid of a "turnip contract."
Confused about this farming metaphor, especially since I was raised on one, she carefully explained that I didn't want to be the turnip that feel off the truck, got picked up and eaten alive. I concur. That is most certainly a fate I am currently worried over. Having a back ground in business does not help this. I feel like I know enough to see the pitfalls, or some of them anyway; however, if I do not find them in time, I could easily succumb to turnip syndrome.
I had high hopes that theHarriett Austin Writers' Conference would help elevate some of my stress and give me better bearings. I went looking for answers about how to find an agent, how to begin to submit magazine articles and enter contests and how to make myself more marketable. I learned many things; however, answers to these specific questions were not forth coming.
How to Find An Agent?
Evidently, you don't. I asked several published authors how they found their agents and got evasive answers as if they were protecting some vein of gold they had found to mine. The one who finally answered the question said, "I was sitting in the airport and we struck up a conversation." I am still not sure if I believe him.
I went to classes held by a guy named Chip MacGregor about agents and the business of writing. I found Chip to be personable, well, vivacious, well, a consummate salesman who has honed his pitching skills so that he doesn't come off as a used car guy. He has a small clientele that is made up mostly of authors who are Inspirational Fiction. Just in case you guys are as clueless as I am, Inspirational Fiction is code for Christian Fiction. I have NO clue why they would use "inspirational" to describe it; however, not being a Christian I suppose I really don't care.
Chip gave a session on working with an agent that I found moderately helpful. Filled with information I had already researched and received from other sources. The second class of his I attended was called "Making a Living at Writing." I had hoped to hear specifics about submitting articles and the like; however, he gave seven rules to becoming a successful writer. You know like "be organized," "be focused," and "be disciplined." I enjoyed this one better and was disappointed that it didn't address what I had hoped.
Other Sessions
Lucy Rosenthal gave a creative writing class. I got much from the exercises she sent us before the class; however, the class itself was a bit unhelpful.
I went to a copyright seminar with a law guy. I was amused to discover that something is copyrighted the moment that it is in it's final form. So this blog is, in essence, copyrighted.
I also attended a seminar called Money for Nothing and Your Clicks for Free where I discovered that I was already doing everything that the presenter was going to suggest about increasing traffic to ones website and there by increasing ones on presence on the web. She gave some suggestions that I hadn't heard of that she didn't really cover in depth. The class ended up being filled with people who were a bit electronically challenged. I felt like Hermione Granger with my laptop and hand up with an affirmative at every question.
Other People
At the Meet and Greets, dinners and in the corridors I met lots of nice people. Nancy Love, an agent from New York was extremely helpful and kind to give her time to me. I also met Chuck Sambuchino. Who was a pleasant guy who listened to me ramble about my challenges and was encouraging.
I met a man named William E. Bray who had written the book Your Spiritual Lineage: Researching the Genealogy of Your Soul. Bray was a fascinating man whom I enjoyed talking with him over dinner. I bought his book and he introduced me to his partner at Bilbo Books (no link available at this time), Bowman. Bowman was a hilarious guy and if I were single, skinnier and younger, I would be in Athens next weekend chasing him. All seriousness aside, he gave the impression of a driven young man who was passionate about life. He was a joy to talk with.
College Haunts
Sitting with Bray and Bowman the first time I met them was an extraordinary woman by the name ofGeri Taran. She was so engaging, friendly and passionate about all things writing. She has established an online group called In the Company of Writers to present webinars about writing to busy writers. I think the idea is brilliant and from what I have perused, something well worth the time and effort.
Geri and I also shared a "it's a small world moment." I was talking about my background, once again explaining why a bred and born Georgian didn't sound southern. "I took Shakespearean Theatre as a concentration in college," I explained. Geri sat straight up and demanded to know the name of my alma mater. When I said, "North Georgia College and State University," she squealed and said, "Then Brian Jay Corrigan was your professor."
Now I must say I was shocked that she would know this. I might also say that out of my many mentors and professors at my beloved NGC&SU, Brian would not rank as high as some thers. I found him to be brilliant, truly outstanding in his field. No bull here, I watched him carefully and come to deeply respect him. However, I constantly got the idea he would just as soon work with a toad than with me. My ex also had Brian in college and loved him. Brain inspired in him creativity and a drive few others could. I recently ran into Brian on the streets of Dahlonega, attempted to make a polite conversation and introduce him to my son. My ex has told my boy all about theatre and working with Brian, so I thought it might be nice for him to get a taste of my ex husband's favorite professor. From my perspective, I was completely snub which simply served to confirm his contempt for me years and years later.
As all of this washed over me, I looked into Geri's eyes knowing full well she expected me to gush about Brian's brilliance. Having had a glass of wine, which you all know I never do, I was very forthright about my opinion of the man, to my horror. So I tried to change the subject and drink more wine. I apologized the next day for my blunt, even if it was truthful from my perspective, comments. I continue to hope that Geri doesn't judge me too harshly for one comment on one day after more wine than I had had in four years.
Then today I went on line to see Geri's site and out of curiosity saw the link on that same site about Brian. I clicked on it and would you believe that Brian is the recipient of the 2006 Georgia Writers Association Author of the Year! I was shocked and a bit humbled. I never even knew he had an interest in writing. He has written a book called The Poet of Loch Ness. According to the link I have given, he has received rave reviews and it seems translated it into Gaelic. I was stunned to think how much he and I actually have in common. It occurred to me that we probably didn't like each other because we are in many ways, alike. I bet he is as mortified as I am at that prospect.
It got me to thinking about college and the changes that come after those formidable years. I look back now and see what I was involved with and where I was heading and shuttered. My life now is so completely different. It makes me wonder if professors remember to let their students grow up? I certainly did not allow Brian the room to grow, change and become something more than I had perceived all those years ago.
Well, enough about old places, times and people. Geri gave me one of the greatest comments ever. After listening about what my current project is she exclaimed, "But you don't even look like a witch!" Sitting there in my black pearls, long black skirt, conservative purple top and brand new heels, I was overwhelmed with thanks. I hope that I look like me, was my reply. I owe Geri a reading for her loving support, kindness and willingness to forgive a moment of weakness after my first glass of wine in four years.
Other Writers and Witty 86-year-olds
I also was privilege to meet the Southern Scribes, all of them. I met Genie first who thought she knew me. She provided me with the startling revelation that Harriett Austin was a woman who was still alive. I turned to her and said, "I wasn't sure she existed." In reply, Genie drug me over to a small woman of eight-six and introduced me. Explaining that I wasn't sure of her existence. Ms. Austin turned to shake my hand and said, "That's o.k., I am not sure that I exist either."
I also met Patricia and Kathy who have agreed to work with me on a small on line critique group. They were always ready with a quick smile and encouragement. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting them and look forward to continuing our relationship in the future. They both exposed me to the Atlanta Writer's Club. http://www.atlantawritersclub.org/
Conclusions
I liked it. I wish my fiction manuscript had been ready for review and entrance into the contest. It wasn't; however, it is a goal to shoot for. I wasn't blown away by the seminars; however, next year I have a better feel for what I might like to take and could choose better. So I don't know. I think time will tell.
For the record, Tony says it was worth it completely as do Sharon, my friend who owns her own business and is more business savvy than even I am. I, however, am concentrating right now on the looks of fascinated horror anytime I explained what my project was about. I have rarely experienced so much caution when it came to my religion than I did this weekend. It was like I had stepped out of my world where Wiccans and witches just are and into a world where I was an alien that needed to be avoided. ... or maybe they would just prefer to work with toads, too.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Rejected? NOT!
It has happened. One of the larger publishing houses I sent a query letter to has requested a proposal. Coming just before I go to the writer's conference, the timing could not be more significant.
In the past few weeks, my Lady and Lord have been dealing with me, working in my heart and in my mind. They told me they would show me how faithful they were. I woke up this morning and I knew there was a proposal request in the mailbox. I was on the phone with Tony when I got it and that too is significant for me. He shared the moment.
I can feel it coming.
It has happened. One of the larger publishing houses I sent a query letter to has requested a proposal. Coming just before I go to the writer's conference, the timing could not be more significant.
In the past few weeks, my Lady and Lord have been dealing with me, working in my heart and in my mind. They told me they would show me how faithful they were. I woke up this morning and I knew there was a proposal request in the mailbox. I was on the phone with Tony when I got it and that too is significant for me. He shared the moment.
I can feel it coming.
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