Tony Crabtree, CoG & Cub Scouts

A lot has been happening around here. Most of which I will not be blogging about. Some changes, however, warrant a little information.

My husband, Tony Crabtree aka Lord Stone Dragonstone is the FREAKIN' BOMB! When I went to marry for the second time I really wanted a provider. I am not saying that I couldn't provide for myself and my son. I could. I am saying that what I am called to do doesn't necessarily make a lot of money. When reading Psychic Self-Defense by Dion Fortune, she related how you can spot a spiritual teacher. One of the things to look for was a person who was unemployed and provided for by another person. I thought she was crazy at the time; however, since I have come to see why she would say that.

Tony is my "other person." Recently, he made the decision to go out and find another job. There are mitigating circumstances which prompted him to start his search. That information falls under "not going to blog about." So he started making phone calls. He had three interviews Tuesday (Schedule to coincide with the Full Moon), two today and one next week. Over half of these interviews have come from people who heard he was looking to change his position and called him to schedule. I am so proud of the reputation my husband has in his industry. I really believe he is the best example I know of what a Husband Priest and Father Priest should be. People have come to respect who he is, what he stands for and what he does. His years of dedication to his industry has gotten him media recognition this year and I can tell his success is just beginning. I count myself bless by the God and Goddess that I get to partner with such an incredible human being.

While Tony is doing all of this, he continues to work for his current employer. He comes home and sees to Tree Bear and myself and then sneaks back into his office to get work done that his interviews interfered with. Some people would be doing just enough to get by, not my man. He is worried about leaving this company prepared to go forward without him, as much as he can.

Despite all this going on, he calls me every day on his commute home and wants an update about my day, what I did, what is going on with FWTI and our extended Dragonstone Family Coven. He asks about what issues are hot with the Board of Directors and if there are emails he should specifically look out for. He does all this with a commitment to loving care. He communicates with restraint and control and he loves me and Tree Bear unconditionally. He also volunteers with the Scouts as the Den Leader. Directing the energy of the Assistant Den Leaders, boys and parents. His ideas will change the program this year. He does all this and the dinner dishes too.

I often joke with people and say, "Didn't you know? Tony walks on water!" Truth is, my life without this man would be something all together different. If I were to ever point to a "Savior," I would point to the body of his Priest, Stone Dragonstone. I just thought I would praise him publicly.

Speaking of Scouting, I have been working with Tree Bear on his Religious Emblem award. The Covenant of the Goddess has created and maintains the Over the Moon, the Heart and Crescent and the Distinguished Youth Services awards. They have saved me a lot of time and trouble and I found them just after Tree Bear dedicated to the path
of Earth Based Practice. I am very grateful. The cool thing is these awards can be given to any child who fulfills the requirements. The
are great for Family Covens, traditional groups of covens, Spiral Scouts or even as a program at a festival. Check it out!

I have spent the last week knee deep in Cub Scouting. Tree Bear is a Webelos this year and the requirements and program is significantly increased. However, I am really excited about this year. We have a new Cub Master who has planned some previously un-taken trips for the boys. He even got the Mayor to visit my den to help us meet a requirement. I have arranged to have a police officer visit, started to arrange a meeting where a ham radio club comes and shows the boys that hobby, and written the next two months of meeting agendas. With the help of our other Assistant Den Leader, I think we are going to be the best Den ever! I love scouting.

Now that scouting is done, I can refocus on other neglected things. I had a disturbing thing happen a while back and I have taken time to bury myself in Scouting as a way to get perspective. I don't know that I have perspective yet. However, I know that I feel better in general about things. Time will tell, as it always does. At the very least, however, you guys should finally get replies to your emails.

This was written in response to the question: What is abuse?

Abuse is in some ways relative. Relative to the social environment someone lives in, to a person’s beliefs and perceptions and is affected by frequency and emotional damage done to others. Abusive is also relative to permission or allowance.

Social Environment:
Westerners would consider the ways that men or women are treated in some places abuse. Just like the White Man saw the American Indians as savages upon meeting them because they didn’t wear “proper clothing.” In Muslim countries women are required to present themselves modestly, covering their head, hair and bodies to varying degrees. I am sure that many women here would see that at the least as unnecessary and at most abusive and stifling of those woman. However, would they see it that way? Sure some do and choose to leave if they can. However, others stay and continue to exist in these situations. So should the Muslim way of life be perceived as abusive?

Person’s Beliefs and Perceptions
Well, it would depend on the beliefs and perceptions of the people involved wouldn’t? Some Muslim women do not mind, others are forward thinking feminist Muslims and others leave, feeling emotionally and mentally abused.

Allowance & Permission
Those women who willingly believe God ordains this treatment are not going to see their situation as abusive. They have given their hearts and spirit over and by doing so given permission for some of the treatment they receive.

Frequency, Emotional-Phyiscal-Mental Damage Done to Others
Despite that, even those women would see being physically beaten as abuse. Forced sexual intercourse in many Muslims countries is punishable by death; I think AJ pointed that out a while back. AJ also pointed out that despite this, those laws were rarely used because of the social perception of women in those countries.

Already we can begin to see how complex this issue can be.

In the West, these issues get easier and harder to define. In our well-kept lives of computers, televisions, radios, food, shelter and opportunity, abuse becomes something that happens in stark contrast to the surroundings in which it occurs. When a beating occurs, those who observe say: Why? Doesn’t he have food? Doesn’t she have shelter? Doesn’t he have a job? Why is this necessary? What stress is it that causes this behavior? So we see abuse and easily define it as such in contrast to the social environment we live in, making abuse easier to identify,

However, abuse here is also harder to define. Knowing that beatings, rapes and other forms of overt abuse are not socially acceptable, we have found new ways to abuse each other that hide under a banner of acceptance. I once had a lover who told me, “Jeez, there just words, Dia, lighten up.”

In anger, he had told me to get out of bed and sleep with the dogs, in their bed. Unsure of what to do, I went and slept on the couch. My lover was never a violent man and he didn’t stop me. Later when I broke up with him and sited that moment as the beginning of the end, he told me he hadn’t really “meant” it and I was “over reacting.”

So who is right here? Was he abusive? Not from his perspective, his perception.

I think a good definition, therefore is this: Abuse is an action perpetrated through physical acts and verbal communication that brings harm to another being.

That said, it doesn’t mean that every abuser is going to see their words or actions as abusive. There are plenty who are going to put off the results of their behavior on others. It also means that some people are more sensitive than others and will perceive abuse in places others won’t.

So what is the solution?
Well, the physical laws of a government help us define abuse to some extent. I also believe there are some forms of abuse that should be obvious (rape, child molestation, physical beatings, unrelenting verbal abuse and/or explosive abuse that is less frequent and significantly more violent). By speaking out against these things, we raise awareness and through peer pressure decreasing the likelihood that they will occur by increasing the public shame associated with these acts. We also speak out to encourage law enforcement to continue to arrest and punish perpetrators and do things to help victims find shelter and safety.

Outside of this, you, personally, must set your boundaries. You must determine, for yourself and your family, what behavior is abusive. Then you must decide how to confront that behavior and deal with those who perpetrate it.

After you have set and learned to tend your personal boundaries, you should learn to communicate. I recommend a book called Fierce Conversation by Susan Scott. This book talks about-facing difficult problems and people in such a way that solutions are created versus drama. However, Scott makes it clear that this is only possible by really knowing and understanding yourself and what motivates you. I read this book about once a year doing all the exercises. It will help you consider your boundaries and practice a form of communication that will get you heard.

Passion without self-control is a fire that destroys and maims. Controlled burns rejuvenate lands and hearts and minds leaving room for growth and life. Maybe it is the Southern in me that has learned to find ways to communicate where the message is plain and the delivery is as gentle and firm, like a good ladder back chair in my grandmother’s kitchen. When you learn to walk in this way, you will never be accused of being abusive. Of course, you might get accused of being a fluffy bunny or of being “soft” or “peace loving.”

I challenge anyone to live a life of self-control where you practice bringing a point to bear with the discipline and precision of a surgeon’s knife versus the broad stroke of a battle-axe. Surgeons heal. Axes kill, maim and bread hate. Haven’t centuries of war taught us this much? Anyone can wield a battle-axe and bring damage and harm. Not m